Alpha Female Protector of the Children

A final chapter

2011-10-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

It would be funny to think that I am posting on this link... but today I lost a most wonderful friend and the documentation of her passing needs to be posted here...

A fur-child is one whom loves you unconditionally, without: malace, motive, or thought of self. Petting results in purring, the ultimate reward for something so full of pleasure already. Gentle strokes bring down blood pressure, calm frayed nerves, and help stay an unsteady soul... seems selfish somehow, but it is impossible to imagine life without.

Rogue, our beloved feather kitty, with beautiful blue eyes and a personality that is truly undescribable at this moment, died today. She left this world at the foot of my son's bed. He home ill... Rogue was one whom would always be found on the bed of the sick... a nurse-maid. While my heart breaks into millions of pieces, I know that my son has it harder than I. He found her and is truly heart broken. We will all miss her, her antics, and her lack of surefootedness that we expect from the feline creatures that we cherish. The little rescue that stole our hearts, brought us laughter and has left us in tears.

God blessed us when he brought us you.... the pain we feel is only because you mattered so very much. Good-bye beautiful blue eyed beauty, you will be forever missed.

Alpha

Paper and pen rediscovered

2011-05-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Given that so much in my life has changed in the last month it is interesting to find that I have rediscovered pen and paper. This blog was a place for a long time that I could share experiences, good/bad/happy/sad or otherwise and not worry that it would be used against me. It was an avenue for me to share, offload, download and bounce thoughts and feelings off of the world wide web. I know many of you that follow me. I also know that many of our relationships in real time/real life have changed. While many would have you think otherwise, I don't wish anyone ill harm. Isn't the way that I am and really, I know the only one that I have to be accountable to is me and my children. There are many in this world that have done grave harm to me in the past and yet, I have been able to forgive and move on. To think that I would willingly bring harm or wish harm on another simply is not true. All I want for each person from my past is to find their own happiness, good health and healthy relationships. If the relationship we once has left any one of you feeling threatened, hurt or disappointed, please look a little deeper. If any of you know me on any level, you would know that was not my intention. There comes time in life where some relationships must end...

So, I have turned to the age old craft of keeping a diary. While it doesn't allow others to share in my experiences, it does prevent my thoughts, experiences and words from being used against me. Don't worry about me, I am doing just fine. Once the opportunity and timing is right, I will start posting under another name. Then my original purpose for starting this blog (to allow others to share in my experiences, identify struggles and perhaps help them heal along with me) will again be fulfilled.

Wishing each of you what you really need, as very few of us know just what that is. Find the path, enjoy the journey and remember that we pass this way only once. Remember, how you feel when life is awesome. Leave the hurt and anger behind. Love deeply, laugh often and keep those most important to you very close. Now back to my den...

For now, the blog of Alpha Female, Protector of the Children is offline.

turn it off

2011-04-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

The body is exhausted and yet the mind will not rest. It is racing and after every trick that I know I decided to get up and blog... However, I had no mouse... Go looking for one, no... that one is broken. That one doesn't have the toggle. That toggle is broken..... finally I find one and have to find batteries... Yeah, online! Boo, need to get rid of more broken electronics.

Still working on the new blog... name, content and setup. Realize that the number of hits on my blog has gone through the roof the last month. Funny, finally have the followers, but now need to set up a new one. Not only for me, but to be able to leave the past behind.

Tired of everyone telling me how strong I am... and how much they admire my strength. I just want to be me, and that is all I ever knew how to be. Not trying to be anything, not for anyone... just me and my children's mother. That is enough, but still I enjoy my work... whatever it may be, paid, volunteered or otherwise. So, single mother, working to support me, my children and happy in the here and now. If that makes me strong, well so be it. All I know for sure, is that I am here, now and will not be here forever... so take what comes, work with it and move along.

Sun, warmth and Mexican Food

2011-04-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Finally it seems that Spring has finally sprung. The better part of the snow has melted (few small bits here and there where there isn't much in the way of direct sun). My oldest boy has been around on the bike and roller-blades, waiting for the city to remove all the rocks and stones on the roads. Youngest is watching with mouth watering, waiting for his patella to heal... Fur children (my Husky dog in particular) is loving the warmth and being able to come straight in without waiting for his paws to dry in the mud room... Walks are nicer as the smells are all fresh (his nose, not mine) and the people are coming out of their homes to share in the weather in droves.

We attended the Easter Vigil last night, my most fave Mass of them all. Candles, songs from on high, and joy that the season of Lent is over and the season of Easter has just begun. Both boys served (first for the little one, as this is a "HIGH MASS" and he did just fine. I was able to do my usual reading and was there to celebrate with a friend that was celebrating his 25th year of becoming a Catholic. It was our sixth anniversary, and looking around I am happiest there. Sure there are the difficult ones (are they not everywhere?) Yet, on the whole, it is a place of peace, restoration, support and love that is unlike anywhere else I go. The Priest, Deacon, Choir and so many of the families there are like the most amazing group of people. The love that is shared is untouchable and for that I know I am truly blessed.

This morning the two boys and my grand-daughter gathered eggs from around the house... It was the most cool thing to see the littlest gather them and put them in a little bag with handles. She was smiling, giggling, and bringing so much joy and laughter to us all. Then we shared a wonderful breakfast and headed to the market for cheese for the evening meal.

We went for a walk and then we shared a huge meal of Mexican food (all from scratch)... It was a wonderful Easter right from Holy Thursday right up to this evening sharing a meal and practicing our Spanish.

Not sure whatever happened to bring this upon us, but He knows that I am most appreciative of it all and will not take it for granted.

Time for a change

2011-04-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

Well, this blog has been a good opportunity for me to put the ink on paper without ever touching a pen. Thinking, given that everything in my life has changed so much, that it is time to change my blog too... Nothing like moving forward with life and leaving all the "baggage" behind. Most likely will put a couple up here yet, but am working on building something totally different.

Thank you to all that have followed me and given me feedback. Some, I will bring along, others... well, it's been a slice. Time to brush the dust off and get back on the horse. (Funny, don't really care for riding horses)... However, that is the cliche that seems to fit here.

Wishing all of you all the best in everything that you do.

With love,
Alpha Female Protector of the Children

Band Camp and spoiled rotten

2011-04-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well, after three days and two nights with 27 junior high school band students, it is nice to be home. The weather certainly did not cooperate, snow in some places was waist high, but the lodges were warm and the music was getting better by the minute. It was nice to be part of it all, and nice to know that my teen aged son still likes to have me around.

I received some interesting news while away, turns out my freezer was unplugged and all the food that was in it was spoiled. What a waste, on so many different levels. I had just returned recently from Costco, so the freezer was full. It is also the type of plug that cannot, "accidentally" become unplugged. Would say that I am most disappointed that someone would think to do that. Waste of food, money and the risk of making people ill... Sad really. Looks like the entire freezer may be a right off, as I didn't discover it early and the smell was something else.

On a happier note, it is good to be home again with the ones that love me. Fur children are happy as are the two legged variety that keep me company. Hoping that the weather continues to warm up and this Easter is the best one yet. Always look forward to a good Easter Egg hunt after three days of prayer and thanksgiving. Blessed are we.

Cleaning house

2011-04-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

The last couple days I have the most amazing amount of energy. I have gone through this entire place with a fine tooth comb. De-cluttered, and cleaned up every corner of the place. It looks great and I feel awesome! Fur children want to be where I am, so tripping over them every once in a while. If I stop for a moment it is a competition to get to my lap and cover my feet. Life is good!

Palm Sunday tomorrow... and so Holy Week begins. Lots of prayer these last few weeks and I beginning to think that is why I am feeling so good. The cleaning helps and the prayer does too, I am sure. Looking forward to family gatherings over Easter. Finally will be able to celebrate the one year anniversary of my Grand-daughter's birth. My how life has changed in the past year... Mind you, change isn't always a bad thing. :)

Changing tides

2011-04-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today was most interesting. Lots of new things revealing themselves to me. New opportunities... offers of new employment. Phone calls from those long since forgotten.. checking to see how I am doing. Out of the blue opportunities that have passed me by before are being laid at my feet. I am praying to see the path and being strong enough to take it. Perhaps at last it will be a road that has been less traveled, but one that is worth the journey.

I am thankful for all the support that I have, don't know where I would be without the amazing people that are rallying around me. I am grateful for my faith, I have a really good idea where I would be without that... My children, granddaughter, fur children, extended family and friends from so many roads I have traveled. The journey has been long and at times arduous, but the memories that I have gathered along the way have been worth the times I have stumbled, fallen, or refused to walk. There have been times I: have been carried, have carried others, have been alone, have been surrounded, have lost my way. The present time is definitely one of change, but worthy of me and whom I will be tomorrow.

I am the Alpha Female of my pack. My pack is without an Alpha male (other than my dog) but it is a stable pack and I am more content with where I am now than I have been in a very long time. No need to apply to be my Alpha, as the position is not up for tenure, as a matter of fact, I will run on my own for a long while. Content with who I am, where I am and the decisions I have made. Now this Alpha is going to tuck in the pups and head to the bath. Tomorrow I will head out again and see what paths will appear in front of me.

Glory be to the Father
and to the Son
and to the Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning
is now, and ever shall be
world without end. Amen.

He speaks... will I listen?

2011-04-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well that certainly was a week I don't want to repeat again anytime soon. Escalating anger, tension and pain. Addictions that are not seen. Blame, hurt, twisted words and actions. A family in crisis, but not recognized as a family....

Today I took my boys and headed to the parish that we became a part of in 2004. I was drawn there by my daughter and put in deep roots shortly after our house fire. We were baptized as a family on the Easter Vigil in 2005. It is my most favorite service and grounds me in life and in faith each time. This year after moving to a new home we tried on a new parish. It didn't fit (not sure if which way, us or them) so we returned to the parish and community we have been a part of for over half of my youngest's life. After the nightmare that was my personal life, having my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter told they were no longer welcome in the family home (by my fiance through the city police). Then another altercation between myself and my fiance (it was anger and control, coupled with the denial of a drinking problem and refusing to quit or consider quitting) the relationship is terminated. Not repairable and sad on so many different levels. Add in a phone call from a not so nice elderly female who seems to be constantly "meddling" and "judging" whom is from our parish. Staying with friends so that I could sleep knowing we were safe, but wondering and feeling sad about my fur children being alone... I was in need of a hefty dose of love, Eucharist, and nurturing from my parish and even more so from an amazing lady that has been a member of the parish for forty-one years.

The Mass fed me on so many different levels. Then sharing conversation and letting go of the mess that was the past week with the lady that lead me through the RCIA program brought me back to earth in a heavenly way. She told me what I have been thinking all week, He has something better for me. My prayer is that I will see the path that is laid down before me. That I will be able to become the solid representation and mother that my children need. That I will grow in faith, strength and love. That looking back I will see that...

The priest today told us something, "God hates us to suffer" I believe that. I know that we will get through this. It was timely and exactly what I needed to hear. Father, the strength of my Mass-Mother, finding a CD today and popping it in (Call to Joy) and then later on listening to Jesse Romero... seeing it hit the boys (my youngest loves Jesse Romero). Discussing them both... praying most of the time for strength, guidance and to see the path... Then tonight a call from a Father that we spent so much time with as he journeyed with us before he became a Deacon Elect and then a Priest. We attending all of his Masses, his ordination and the boys shared his love and served with him at the alter. Entering the home tonight I was praying that I could know I am doing the right thing. The phone rang, and it was him. His call was so timely. He lifted me and called to see how we were doing. He has been trying to call for weeks, but it didn't work out until tonight. He works in some wonderful ways, and for that I am thankful.

I pray that:
He will continue to guide me.
That I will listen when He speaks.
That the journey that is set out for me will be the one I take.
That the children that have been affected by this and are hurting will find the healing that they need.
That the one I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with will find the strength to slay the demons and conquer the addiction that is alcohol. That he will find peace and love in himself.
That I will be able to provide the home that my children deserve, but I have stumbled to aquire.
That love of self enters into all of those that have been affected this week.
Given that it is Lent, it is appropriate that I am praying so much... May Easter bring the rebirth that I so desperately need.

Time after time

2011-04-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

How do you communicate with someone that won't hear you? How do listen when what they say is so low that you can't hear? How do you get past something when you have to deal with it every day? How can you make someone realize that what causes you the greatest pain is the addiction that they will not see.

Tomorrow will be a very difficult day, but it will pass and when it is all said and done I will be exactly where I need to be. My head is hurting, the breathing is laboured and my heart is heavy... but it will be what it needs to be and from wherever that is, I will start from there.

The memory is slowly returning

2011-03-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

In the past month or so, I have had a glimpse into what it may be like to slip towards dementia... Forgotten words, dates, numbers, and the short term memory was failing me. Not sure if it was just the meds (it was a uncommon side affect) or just the poison of the mold in my body (again, mold is a neurotoxin, so not sure which or if it was a combination of the two). Regardless, it was one of the most scary things I have experienced in my lifetime... and that really does say lots!!!

The boys have started their new school. It is large (830 students K through 9) vs 300 (again K through 9), newer and has state of the art equipment. The older boy's teacher is straight up and already is an advocate for my son. The younger boy's teacher though... not sure exactly what is with her. She is: inappropriate, screams at the children, has some interesting expectations for a child in grade five (typing skills... REALLY), threats of thirty page essays if they forget their homework at home, and doesn't really have anything nice to say about my son. On the flip side, his social teacher loves him and sees all the same characteristics in him as positives (the same one his HR teacher sees as issues). So, I just try to support him at home and get him what he needs..

Work is a gong show. Lots of issues (some were a result of my short-term memory issues, I will admit that) and no one (other than me) accepting accountability for anything. I have called a team meeting and wit any luck it will help to pull the technical team together and make it more efficient... Hoping!!

Settling into the new house, still lots of little things to do, but getting there. Sad thing is, at the end of the day I am so damn tired I have no energy to do anything but goto bed. The children have Spring Break starting on Friday, so maybe I can steal a day or two, spend it with family and catch up on some rest while still getting a few things done around the house. This coming week all six children will be here... so looking forward to some family time.

With age comes wisdom??

2011-03-07T22:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight, after working yet another long day at the trade-show, I attended to some events to meet with clients. While arriving at the historic Royal York Hotel I notices two men in couches, both elderly, both looking a little off, but at events like this people aren't very smart sometimes. When getting ready to depart, I noticed that they were still in their same place and the people around them were different than before... Hard to ignore the nursing part of me that asks, are they: drunk? Low blood sugar? Unconscious? Postictal? Dead? So i went to take a closer look at the one I recognize as an oldtimer in the industry... Everyone knows him to see him and he has worked all over the world... He rouses easily, but makes no sense when trying to talk... his breath smells sweet. After asking him some questions and establishing that he is awake enough to swallow, we get the security to bring him orange juice... he downs it. Slowly, get pieces and find his room key to establish where he is staying... then see the other older man fall to the ground... Security catches him (I alerted them to both the men before I approached) and put him on his back... He is in and out of consciousness... everytime he closes his eyes, his breathing is laboured. An ambulance is called.... I am a little aggressive, but keep him awake... he is mumbling, incoherent, slurring, but we find a empty mickey of vodka on his person (it's alcohol) Keep him on his side and awake until the ambulance arrives and they medics take over. Back to old man number two...

He has recovered a bit from the juice, I have the concierge call the hotel of the key he has and confirm that he is staying there. We book a car.... After about 45 minutes and lots of talking (him, I listen) I discover he didn't eat his dinner because the meet wasn't cooked... GREAT!! lots of alcohol, no food.. He can walk (leaning on me) and when the car arrives I pay the driver (and a damn good tip) in advance. I let him know that the hotel he is staying in expects him and he is to take him to the front desk and deliver him, both bags and his key...

Alcoholism is a terrible disease. Binge drinking you expect in the young and stupid, but the older gents should really know better. Sad really, to see one trying to drown his sorrows (find out ambulance drunk is a repeat offender) his wife left him and he is very depressed (/Alcohol is a depressant) and talks of wanting to die. Sure would have been nice to know this BEFORE he went in the Ambulance... The sad thing is, so many people walked by, did nothing, and even when the one man was on the floor, stepped over him.. Two nights, three different people put into vehicles to take them away/home... only one was understandable (overcome with grief to hear a loved one died and he wasn't there when it happened... doctor told him it would be about a week, so he came the first day to do business and was headed out to be there...)

Well, if nothing else, i know I did the right thing to attend to these people in their time of need. Please, when it is someone I care about, someone do the same. When we pass on by we are leaving someone who is everthing to someone out there... When you walk by, wonder if you would want others to do the same to you and yours. Don't get involved they say... how can you make anything better doing nothing? Do something, anything, but don't sit, watch, point, stare, giggle.... if that is what you want to do then go away so others that will help can get to them.

I think for my promise for Lent this time round, instead of giving something up, I am going to take something on... anyone, no matter where, I will attend to if they look like they are in trouble... and encourage those around to see them, help them and get involved with someone who needs help... perhaps in doing so others will take the lead and make it a habit as well.

Sleep baby sleep

2011-03-03T22:14:00.000-08:00

Well, the rest of the family was checked and there isn't anyone else with respiratory issues... Thankfully!!

My oldest son is doing much better since we removed him from the bed he was sleeping in. You see, we purchased a new bed for us and since my mattress was fairly new (and in good condition) I gave it to him. He is darn near six feet tall now and out grown his bunk beds... so it seemed logical... instead it is most likely what gave him such a heavy dose... Took him out of the bed and put him in a different one and he started to get better after the first night. The medications and absence of the mold is helping. I still am having a hard time (more so at night) but had the most awful experience yesterday... I became lost... well, it doesn't sound so awful until you consider I got lost in an area of the city that I know like the back of my hand... then had a melt down, you know what it felt like when you were a child and you became separated from your parents?? BINGO... that was the feeling that washed over me... it took me 30 minutes to get to the office when it should have taken 5... Then while there I couldn't focus, remember names, phone number or stay on any task. After reading the same email 5 times I realized it wasn't sinking in... my peer that shares an office with me sent me home... It was like I was recovering from a seizure or a stroke... back to the doctor today... seem to be fine... Yet the chest is still pretty awful at night... he tells me to be patient, but it isn't really what I want to be. He also told me to get rid of some of my stresses... "Isn't healthy"

Well, I best go get that load of laundry. Leave for the big TO on Saturday morning for another tradeshow. Not sure, but it could be one of my last... The time may have come for me to do something else... something more rewarding ,challenging and financially viable... Will continue thinking on that one... but the winds of change, well they seem to be blowing in. If the position doesn't change, than the career may have to...

mold, like evil it grows

2011-03-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

Just before we moved from the family home we discovered mold on a couple different walls... never noticed it before, but there it was. Spent some time and did some research... it is possible that it has been lurking there in the dark, multiplying, poisoning the air that we breath, making us sick with headaches, general malaise increased chest colds, persistent cough, bad dreams, and on and on... Wasn't so long go that I had pneumonia... and all the glory that went with it... I have had bronchitis, nasal infections, issues with memory and concentration, the boys have had constant coughs, rashes and persistent respiratory issues... All of them written off to going to school with sick children... Me, and mine, well it must be from the fire and the smoke inhalation.... Well, it isn't...

Today my oldest son and I went to the doctor... it is confirmed, we have mold in our lungs... So the meds start... and the waiting begins. The rest of the family will have to attend to the family doctor and be checked too... My lungs have already had one assault from the house fire... It seems the house I was so sad to leave has been trying to kill me... First with smoke inhalation and now with mold... My lungs are scarred from the first hit and now I need them to recover. Will have to wait and see how they do... the requirement for full time oxygen therapy is real... if the recovery isn't what it is supposed to be... my life expectancy just tanked and while I have beaten many things in life... this one is scaring the hell out of me. Fighting to breath sucks... it SUCKS the life right out of you. I am tired and not so sure that I will have the physical strength to recover from this. Typically these types of things anger me, bring out the fight in me... this time it isn't there. There is a sadness, a resignation that yet again I am under attack... one that I didn't ask for and didn't bring upon myself.

Yet, once again, instead of support and concern from my family I first hear of what the value of the home is now that there is mold. WHO CARES??? Burn the f*cking thing to the ground, take away its power to do harm to anyone else. My oldest is barking and fighting for breath... my youngest had more exposure than me... they are young and they have been compromised. Get your freaking priorities straight and realize that life is more important than money. The reality of the situation is this: Our family doctor assessed us today, he has requested to see the rest of the family that lived there... he has the address of the house from my file and will list the property with the city as an address known to have caused respiratory illness secondary to mold infestation. He requested that I make the owner aware that it is not to be inhabited until proper assessment and treatment (painting over is not a correction)... so I have ensured that my conscience is clear that another family will not be exposed to the mold. The key players (one uncle and my mom/brother/step father) all are more worried about us... the rest, well not my problem.

So, I will focus on getting better... it isn't my job, career, or anything else... it is my health. My family needs me and I plan on being here to enjoy them for as long as I can. I pray that others will ensure their decisions will be in the best interests of others and their health, and not based on money first. It really can be the root of all evil... however, only if we allow it to be.

Home sweet home

2011-02-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

It has been one week and a day since we moved into our new home. There are still some little things to do and a few boxes to unpack. The boys started their new school and are enjoying it very much. The drive to work is a little longer, but it's okay given that we are in our own home. The dogs have settled in, but one of the cats isn't. In fact, I am looking for a new home for her... it is sad, but it will be better.

Ran into an old school mate (from my home town) at the local super market. She looks great! It is funny how small a world this is... on Saturday night I will be meeting with another school friend n Toronto. I am there on business, but taking the first night to see her. You never know where you will find business, and I am looking in places that I haven't before....

The way things are going at work, I feel it is time to look further than I can see right now. Things are not pleasant and it feels as though the rug is being pulled out from under me. While it is a little scary, with a new mortgage and all, I know I am employable... and I will get something better.... I always do!

some days

2011-02-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of those days... you know the kind, everything seems to be working against you. You take one step forward and four back. People seem to be deliberately doing things to annoy you! Typically, I can take these days in stride... walk away, breath, shake it off, laugh it off, tell a joke, put things in perspective, do something else well yesterday was not one of those days... I totally lost my cool at work... ripped the headset off my head, threw it at the wall and slammed down the phone... and immediately felt like an idiot. I do not behave that way at work... EVER... I don't throw things, I don't slam down phones (especially when someone is on the other end) and I don't let someone get the better of me to that extreme... So, after regrouping, apologizing to my co-workers and settling down I called the person that I had allowed to get me... back.
The conversation starts:
"We were cut off"
me... right back at being angry, "Nope, I hung up"
"Why would you do that?"
"My headset was on and I couldn't get away from the conversation. I didn't want to take you with me, so I hung up"
"Well, you shouldn't get angry"
"Really, you are going to tell me how to do that too huh?"
SILENCE (I love silence when that is what you are going for)
"Well, I have work to do and I am not getting it done being on the phone with you. So how about I get off the phone, you give me about an hour and I will get some work done."
"Okay, but you need to do things the way I tell you to... after all I built this company you know"
"So, you want me to hang up on you twice in one day??!!"
"What?"
"Never mind. However, when we speak next there are a couple things I would like to ask for please?"
"Oh? What's that?"
"When I am talking, you have the common courtesy to listen until I am not speaking to start talking again. I become very frustrated when I am trying to communicate and people are talking over me. I promise I will listen to you, and expect you to be respectful and reciprocate. ajjdfsldfjdfs (not sure what I said as he was talking over me again)
"So you'll call me in about an hour? It is about 1:50 your time, so 12:50 mine... so you will call me around 1:50 my time." says him.
"that would be the math. I have to get to this time sensitive stuff, catch you later." I end the call. Respectfully putting the handset back in its cradle... gently like a sleeping infant.

So, I didn't call him back... I did what needed to be done and apologized to everyone that saw, or heard of the incident...

Today, work from home for 2 hours. To office immediately... work until 1:50. My G picks me up and takes me to lunch. Back to the office, more work... frustrating paperwork, new trainees to work with, and I am giggling and laughing up a storm. Difference? I set boundaries, stuck by them and didn't involve the person causing the issues in today's business until I chose to call....

He was still in bad mood, but knew not to poke this bear... Talked about weather... told him what I have done thus far, he says, "Good Job!"
So, me being whom I am say, "Thank you for that. About yesterday"....sdjfjdlkjsda (the sound of him talking over me) I wait for him to finish and say, "I have had a great day today, working with some great people. They all listen when I speak... or at least they pretend to, and seem to value what I have to say. I am hoping you will start to do the same. As, this is not something I am willing to ignore. So think about it, and I will talk to you tomorrow." Calm, cool, collected and get off the phone and start giggling...

one of the guys that shares an office space hits me with a plastic body to a small RC helicopter. I look up puzzled, but still giggling.. and he says, "Welcome back... at least you didn't throw anything at me today... " We both have a good laugh (as has pretty much everybody) and get back to work.

Now today, I was myself... yesterday I was me, but not the best version of me...

So I head to bed laughing about being hit with a helicopter at work... wonder if there is an insurance claim in there somewhere... :)

Many miles before I sleep

2011-02-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

Well the house is almost ready for us to move in. The two bedrooms in the basement have walls, doors, door frames and underlay. Tomorrow they will have carpet and then baseboards. There is some touch up painting to still attend to. One doorframe to make smaller and one door frame to enlarge. Then there are three doors to hang and door frames to install. Other than that... a couple windows to case and that is all for now. It isn't complete, it isn't perfect, but home it will be.

I simply cannot wait to be moved in. The being in two places, but not really being anywhere is wearing thin. Add in the stress of high season and the crap it brings... it truly is amazing I am not in a long armed, white jacket that does up in the back...

Well enough of this... there is sleep to be had before this week can try to conquer me! Wish me luck on the move... it is going to be a big one!

The Best is Yet to come

2011-02-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

It has been a year since the passing of my dear Grama... I love her and miss her so, yet she is near. It has also been just about a year since doing Wisdom Mapping... today I gathered with some wonderful women from my life and created a Wisdom Map. It is all about putting together visual cues to your conscious self from the unconscious.

This years is full of calm, peace and earth... settling in and being content. There is also much bounty to be harvested... it is about time. Heaven only knows that I have been sowing seeds for a very long time... let those seeds be fruitful and plenty. Allow them to take away some of the burdens of the past and lighten my load. It was amazing to see the changes in those that have done them in this group before and even more lovely to share in the ones that haven't. Both my daughter and one of my very best friends did their first one today. It was great to be surrounded by such positively amazing women... that in itself is a good start.

The wolf is ever present. She may be a pack animal, but she is loyal, calm and the Alpha Female is in charge. I look to the wolf regularly, there is something about her that pulls me and it isn't just sharing my life with a one of its close relatives (my husky)... there is more to it. It grounds me, yet lifts me up. Stirs me, yet brings about a calm. It excites me, still relaxes in kind. There are things that the wolf seems to know and understand without any spoken word... that is something that I love and respect. Communication in its truest form requires not a word, or a sound.... it is the language of the body: the way the eyes are cast with the lids held over them, the size of the pupils, the amount of tension in the neck and body, the position of the arms, the position of the hands, the general posture, the smell (sweat, fear, odors will betray those most in control), the amount of moisture on the body, or the lack there of, the way the jaw is held or set, the position of the lips (canines think of bared teeth as an alarm, some smiles are the same), the nostrils (flared or flat) the lines in the face (botox may decrease lines, but it also inhibits your ability to truly communicate)... There is so much more, but I think you get the idea. I respect that the canines recognize and address those that lie with their bodies... if only we could do the same...

We should be out of this house in one week (probably not completely moved, but at least sleeping) and in our new home. There are some little things to do (touch-up paint, hang a few curtains, few more base boards to go up) There is carpet to go in the two basement bedrooms (the tacks are all down) and then baseboards over that. In all, other than the carpet, it is little things left... and it feels good to be on the home stretch. I can't say that I haven't been pulled a little in the past week. No matter where I am (current house, new home, office) someone feels I should be somewhere else... sometimes that someone is me. It would be a lie to say that I won't mourn for the loss of this family home. It has been my shelter and stability since I can remember. Yet, the people that made it was it was are gone... and so, we must move on too. Perhaps in a couple generations time someone from my family will look at my new home and think the same thing... It will be the shelter, the stability and the refuge from those that need it....

                                                           Our Home
                May the kitchen always have enough food for those that are hungry,
                       Rooms that are warm for those that seek to escape the cold,
                                            A bed for the weary head to rest,
                                                 Laughter to heal the broken,
                                    Love to make them all feel welcome, and
                                 May God to bless all whom pass through the doors.

So tired

2011-02-10T20:56:00.000-08:00

Well it will be a year this weekend since my Grama passed away. It's so hard to believe. I miss her so much and yet sometimes it seems she is still right here... I see her in many things, hear her in the voice of many and watch her in my Grand-daughter as she grows. It was a very hard year last year. First her, then G's Grandma and then my youngest uncle. This year there are lots of firsts... and I hope that with them comes some peace. I have found myself crying and sad so many times lately. The new house is almost done and finally we will all be a family in one place... I will never be able to have either of those lovely ladies over for tea or Uncle L over to play guitar or laugh and joke. I can't dwell on the past, but as the anniversaries of the losses creep forward I find my thoughts turning to them.

Hours can seem like a lifetime and yet, when you stop and really think about it you know that a lifetime is but a brief moment in time.

Still time moves forward, peoples lives go on and memories are as close as we keep them. Soon, we will all be together, but that "soon" is not for any of us to know.

Love them all, miss them, but know that they are close by and are pleased with the progress we have made.

Are we there yet?

2011-02-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

Well, the house is quickly approaching the stage that will be ready for the family to move in (minus one that will finish the school year first). The amount of work that has gone into the house is amazing... So looking forward to moving (okay, not the actual event, but being in) and living in the house. There are some memories to be made there.... lots of room for loved ones, family, friends, and the like. The ones that are going to be negative, rude, opinionated and disrespectful need not come. There is no room for any of that... Love, understanding, respect, kindness and healing is what this home is all about. Make time, take time and enjoy the time we have. The good Lord knows that there has been a shortage of that in many of our lives.

Thankful that we have the opportunity to have a home of this size to have room for everyone that is looking to be part of this big mixed family. Hopeful that we will all find a place that we want to be in and share our lives.

Seriously??

2011-02-05T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am getting so very sick and tired of the BS that is our judicial system in Alberta/Canada. Paperwork still hanging out there somewhere for finalizing my divorce. In the mean time, as I continue to support my children lock, stock, barrel, body, mind, soul, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially... surely you get the point, the courts holds up the paperwork to get the crap signed and my ex is off in Cuba for the second time in two years, while the amount of child support is in arrears to the tune of over $40K... Seriously, ENOUGH!

Best part is, the Court of Queens Bench has drawn more cash out of me and continues to do so, just to try and be free of a marriage that has been over in the eyes of Revenue Canada since Sept of 2003... What a freaking joke.. It seems that while I pay my taxes, support my family and do the best I can, the COQB continues to put roadblocks in my way and allow the DBD (dead beat dad) to fun, sun, relax and buy every new gadget.

Some day, I will be free and he will finally be held accountable. *SIGH* at this point, I would be content to just be free... the financial could come later!

So sad...

2011-02-01T20:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening I learned of a huge slaughter of sled dogs in Whistler, BC. It pains me to hear the details of the horrendous events. The man that carried out the the killings is now on worker's compensation for post traumatic stress disorder. I don't dispute that he most probably faces PTSD, but we must realize that we all have a choice in life.

When given an order by a superior you must weight what the consequences are of carrying out orders or not carrying them out. We have tried many war criminals for carrying out orders. This man carried out orders, perhaps for fear of losing his job, but it will cost him for the rest of his life. He will have to live with what he did, but it doesn't excuse him for not doing what was right. Killing as many animals as he did, among the pack, in a less than humane way was a decision he made. Now it is time that the laws were changed to deter these decisions. He may have carried out the orders, but the ones whom ordered it should be brought to justice as well. Hit them where it hurts, take away their profits from these animals, their ability to run this business, and prevent them from ever owning, or being part of a company that owns animals.

My Husky is very precious to me... he loves me, he is loyal and he loves to run. He is young, healthy and in his prime, not unlike so many of the hundred creatures that were shot, had their necks slit, tossed into a mass grave (some not dead) and covered. It wasn't humane and the reaction has been great.

“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated”. Mahatma Gandhi

Slowly it is coming together

2011-01-30T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well, the wonderful world of winter has returned to us here in Calgary. We arrived Friday afternoon to an airport that had no snow. Awoke, Saturday to so much snow and again on Sunday morning to even more. There is easily a foot of snow and in places it is over two feet. The cold is back and with windchill it is below -20C. Funny thing is, that I love it!! I will take the snow in the winter any day over the gray. As long as the big red ball of fire makes an appearance, I am happy!!

Went to the house today, it is coming along. We have walls, the outstanding flooring should be in tomorrow. Then there is paint in the basement, doors to hang, two windows to be cased and then it is the baseboards to go up. It is so close I can taste it!! We went and confirmed the furniture today for the livingroom. We also got an amazing deal on a headboard and side table for the master bedroom (under $200 for both pieces)... I am so looking forward to creating a meal in that kitchen, eating in the dining-room, digesting in the living-room and then retiring to the haven that is the master bedroom..

First, we will get settled into the house. Get comfortable with the family. Enjoy the summer and then, perhaps we can decide on a wedding... We have some great ideas, but still I await the Court of Queens Bench to release the papers so my divorce can finally get finalized. Make it soon, as the waiting for all of this is killing me!

Mine G has an "extra baggage" tag for me... as soon as the papers are signed, we will burn it!! :o)

Business and pleasure

2011-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Being away in Vancouver was good for business and good for our relationship. It has been difficult this past month... so many different things have tried to impede us. Lack of sleep, understanding, communications and way too much of so many other things. Thankfully, I was able to convince the other half of the relationship to come to Vancouver. The stress of the house has been so very much to bear. Thankfully, while away from it and all that goes with it we found each other. Between the trade-show, meetings with clients, a stolen meal here and there with family it seems we were able to remember who we are, not only as individuals, but as a couple. We love each other, on so many different levels. We respect each other, not only for who they are, but whom the relationship has allowed us to become, and we love each other so deeply that it can hurt.

The hotel was a lovely little one bedroom suite with a wet bar, microwave, toaster, coffee maker, setting for three, a fridge and a nice couch, chair and desk. It was a little oasis from where we have been. The hours of the trade-show are long, and draining... both physically and mentally. It is one thing to walk all day, it is another to stand. To talk to so many, often with various interruptions, all day long. Education is shared freely for those that will listen. My mentor (well, in this industry anyways) told me that he is impressed with the level of visibility I have been able to obtain in such a short time. He told me that I am today at a level that took him over a decade to obtain. Time and time again I was given positive feedback from clients and competitors alike. It was really good for me to go and get the treatment that I did. Also, mine G told me he does realize what I do and the things I do to get it done. He gets that tradeshows aren't all fun and games. They are long hours, hard work and by the end I am done with people (for the most part I like people)... not unlike the PDAC in Toronto, by the time I arrive at the airport for the flight home, I just want the rest of the world to cease to exist (at least for a day or two). I don't want to be nice to anyone, talk to anyone, I just need a little time alone... Yet, when I get home and the children, fur children and Grand-daughter come to me I am content.

High season is upon us. There is lots to be done and not all that much time in which to do it. However, it means the bills will be paid, there will be cash put away and soon I will be able to sleep again, knowing that the debt load will decrease.

It was good to have dinner with G's family (the ones that live out that way) and then the next eve with his son and great Aunt that is having him live with her while he finishes his grade twelve. He is a good kid and looking forward to moving out with us. He had lots of hugs for me, smiles and even a laugh or two. It breaks my heart to know what he has gone through. Yet it gives me faith that he hasn't turned to alcohol, drugs or a host of other things that boys his age do when coming from a relationship like he has had to endure. He reminds me of his father when we first started dating. Cautious, reserved, but wanting to have fun. He doesn't smile as much as a boy his age should. He is a little reserved with his laughter, yet it all is sitting right there below the surface. I know he is being careful, as he has been very hurt (sad that it is the same women that so hurt his father). Yet I also see his desire to be part of what he sees when he stays with me. We aren't the perfect family (show me one that is) yet, we love one and other. We care for and about everyone. Not to mention that we love to laugh and are willing to share whatever we have.

I look forward to this summer. The weather being perfect, the yard being full of flowers, animals and the sound of laughter shared by a family that has been through so very much... all together to make memories that should push the bad to the back of the mind. After all, we must learn from our past, but not let it impair us from becoming what we want, need and are capable of becoming. Let the others fall away, and someday they will come to realize what they have lost. The love of a child is given without strings... yet as they grow and the anger/mentality/selfishness/addiction/abuse continues they begin to realize that they are not the problem, the parent is. I am just so happy that we will have the opportunity to put the twinkle back in that eye, the smile on the face and the laughter in the heart. I love each and every one of them... I want nothing more than everything for them all. To have a better life than I with less struggle and more love.

God bless the children that have suffered at the hands of the adults. God bless the parents that have failed them, for one day they will realize the wrong of their ways. May they have the ability to forgive themselves, if only they have the ability to see. God blessed me by giving me the chance to make a difference in their lives and allowing me to be the recipient of their smiles, love and laughter. God continue to give me the strength to not take the law into my own hands and wreak revenge on those that have hurt them. May He help me not to judge, but continue to pray that they will find the path and work to make it right. I am thankful for what I have, hope that I am able to continue to share with not only the children/grandchildren/fur children, but for the one that loves me and wants to be on the front porch of that house, swinging, growing old and still holding my hand.

What a difference a week away can make.

keep it together

2011-01-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Things on the renovations front haven't really settled down. Tensions are still high and the couple seem further apart than ever before. Is it worth it?? So many people tell me that when the renovations are done it will be worth the headache... if only they knew the heartache. How do you get past things when communications are down? I wish I could say that I know things will get better, but with what is going on at the moment, I can't say that I do.

We have worked hard to rebuild our lives after: terrible marriages, loss of loved ones, personal tragedy, difficulty with family, financial issues, and a host of other things. How is it that something that should be a dream is becoming a nightmare? How do we redraw the path? Rebuild the trust? Soften the hurt? Come back to the place we were when we awoke in the house the first night after getting possession? How do we come back to being on the same side, working together for the best of each other and the family?? Give it time is the answer (I keep hearing it in my head). Yet time isn't something that we have much of at this time of year. A business trip for me is just around the corner. The start of the busy season is around the other corner and it affects us both.

I hope that as the time passes we will find ourselves in front of one and other. In the same space and remembering that we are in this together. Starting our lives as a couple, living in the same house, raising our mixed family,, enjoying our time and each others company. I don't only hope, I pray.

painting yourself into a corner

2011-01-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

Learning to delegate is something that takes many different things that come with maturity... one of them is trust. You have to trust that those you assign to a project (or part of a project) the individual will do their very best. You also have to decide what level of workmanship you expect. When you are working in a profession sense, you expect that the task you give will be carried out to the best of the person's ability with their training, experience and understanding of the job. This means that sometimes you expect an end result that is less than what you might be able to do yourself. However, the only other option is to do it yourself... and no-one can do it all on their own.

Maturity dictates that you decide what the tasks are that require the highest levels of attention and put the correct person on those tasks. It may mean that some are done by you, or others that are more experienced than you. Either way, as long as the expectations are realistic, the end result will meet to your satisfaction. When it comes to renovations, when you are having people that are related to you, or friends of yours do things for you expect that they will do their best on your behalf. Allowing others in helps build relationships that may not exist, or even be strained. In the end a home is something that is not the structure you reside in, so much as the family ties that are built around it. Perfection in a house with multiple children, animals and people will not last long. You have to decide what you are willing to be content with. I am content that as long as those that are working feel that they are contributing in a meaningful way, that far surpasses someone that is looking for issues with a spot light.

The losses our family has endured in the past year has left lots of angry wounds that were not healing. Our home purchase has brought a sense of excitement and hope to not only my immediate family, but my extended family. Unfortunately, one that is pushing many of the decisions doesn't see this entire picture. It is a project that has to be perfect... no-one else could possibly have anything as worthy to contribute. Unfortunately, this has caused not only some hurt feelings, but some ill will as well. When the words are, "you are doing it wrong" "that isn't how you do it" "doesn't know what he/she is doing" or any other forceful verbal approach no one learns. There is a sense of tack and awareness for others feelings that is being sadly overlooked. It is sad, as this was a very exciting thing to take a house that didn't quite fit and molding it as a couple/new family to a home that we will all share. Instead it has become taxing, frustrating, sleep robbing and anxiety invoking. It is so frustrating to be robbed of this experience that could be positive, shared and allowed to bring hope, love and healing to so many that desperately need it.

Instead of me wanting to be involved and being excited, it feels more like a fight. One that is having those that will be living in the house pushed aside, by one whom is a very long way from owning a home. We have been facilitated on so many levels by the exact same members that are being pushed away. Tonight I head to bed with a sore body, but a much heavier heart. The love one puts into a task when you are dealing on a personal level has much more value than one that is "perfect" because of someone else thinking that they know better. When a child gives you a piece of art, it isn't perfect, but it touches you. It is the same when one you love does they best that they can only because they want to be part of your home, your excitement and share their love.

The perfection in a wall isn't what I am looking for, so much as the memories that will be made in the rooms that have the color. If anyone is coming into my house to get out and look for errors, then they are in my home for the wrong reasons. Paint is cheap, but the sharing of one's life is priceless.

Fast forward a few months, and I am sitting in the living-room when I am alone. I will think about a million other things, but if I am thinking about the paint, I will be thinking of the love of the person that gave of his time, his knowledge and his love to put color in my life. I won't be getting out a spot light to find the errors someone has made. If I want to know about errors, I have made enough of my own, I don't have to go looking for other people's to make myself feel better.

Funny thing in it all, and it really sums it up... There is one piece of artwork hanging in that house right now. It is on the fridge, posted there by G, a gift from a lovely young girl. It shows the love that was put in that drawing and the love in which it was received. That is what I want my home to be based on... acts of love given and received.

and the renos continue

2011-01-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Today the entire brood attended the house to facilitate things. The framing of the basement bedroom is complete. The living-room is painted and all the unwanted carpet is gone. The carpet on the stairs left an excessive number of staples and they all have to be removed to make way for the cork and paint that is going on the stairs (yes, painting the risers and stringers, cork on the treads). My G, my youngest and I tackled this and it was no easy task. However, when it was done it was amazing!! Now to get going on the sanding of the stringers to prep for paint (tomorrow, if I can move that is)

My uncle helped out with the painting, the children with the other areas, my daughter made lunch, I made dinner and we accomplished so much. It is hard physically, mentally, emotionally to do renovations. Everyone has an opinion, but some are better at putting it forward than others. Basic human communication (not grunting, but being aware of other peoples feelings) can be lost on some. However, my G and I are communicating very well, so my stress level has greatly decreased. I know how stressful this is on him, but when it comes to some things, we just have to realize that our relationship comes first.

The color we used is a color match to a lampshade I have that is really lovely. After trying a host of browns, all of which had to be sanded so they wouldn't show through (and one of the helpers told me that I shouldn't do that... screw that! How can you tell what a paint will look like without putting it on different walls and see what the light does to it??) I finally took the lampshade in and had it color matched (what a lovely science!) Both G and I liked it. Everyone else thought it would be too dark, but now that it is on the living-room and office walls, I am in love. It is a wonderful earthshade and will do well with everything else that lives and will be put in those areas. Almost all of the art we own is from the north (soapstone, bone, antler, and paintings of northern life) so the earthy color just makes sense. Also, it is much more open to different styles and decor. Plus, it is our house and our decision!!

I hurt my shoulder yesterday (an old injury that didn't appreciate me ripping carpet out) and almost got sick. The taste of adrenalin in the mouth is not one I relish. We were able to coax it back into place and now the crepitus is sickening. This too shall pass, a little ice, a little heat and some painkillers is all I need... WAIT, blood work tomorrow (this morning)for the insurance, so no painkillers for me. Why is it everytime I decide I need painkiller something impedes me from taking them?? I sometimes wonder if I am supposed to suffer. Mind you, I know others that have far worse pain than I.. So, hot bean it is (my lovely teddybear that is a hot and cold pack). I awoke this morning cuddling a stuffed bean bear... Forty years old and still sleeping with stuffed animals!! So, it is early tonight and I will take that painkiller I was denied yesterday and fall into a deep pain-free screwed up dream-scape.

The time in this old house is drawing to a close. The time to live in the new home is drawing near. I look forward to the new home, new family, new neighbourhood and the opportunity to start life anew.

Good night and pray for pleasant drug induced dreams!

stress, anxiety and love

2011-01-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

The renovations continue. The stresses don't go away, but at least change from day to day. So many decisions, so many frustrations, still there are victories.

Today, I headed to city hall to get the permit to move one wall and put in two. It is one of the most important parts of the entire renovation. We are building a new bedroom in addition to finishing another in the basement. The one that we are finishing is for my daughter, her husband and their lovely daughter. She is the constant source of peace, joy and love for me. The love of a babe like her is without tangles... just pure love. I am humbled and amazed every time I see, touch, smell or hear her. She is as close as we can get to heaven on earth. God graces us when he sends us infants to love, hold and experience. I remember with my daughter thinking, "I have so much to teach you" the funny thing is, looking back those words weren't from me, but to me. Children can teach us so very much and I am overjoyed to be given the opportunity to learn from another babe in arms.

The second bedroom is for my G's teenage son. He is moving in with us as soon as the summer comes. It will allow us to get to know him better. I am honoured that he wants to live with us. He told me he was excited to be part of the family... he told me he has never really been part of a family before. I was silent. If you know me, you know how much it takes to silence me. I was lifted with joy that he wanted to be part of us and leveled with sorrow at the idea of a young man of seventeen years has never felt part of a family. He has grown up so much over the past year. Strained relationships and difficulties do that. To watch a child grow and change is a joy of life. To watch one grow up quickly because of incomprehensible behavior of adults beyond angers me. Yet, all I can do is hope that we can all share the love that he has been searching for. He is excited to be a big brother to the younger two boys and is truly enjoying being a younger sibling to my oldest and her husband. He even enjoys the baby...

I know that people have only children for a host of reasons, but I have always felt if it was a choice of the parents that it was unfair. So many single children lose out at the opportunity to be part of a family unit. They are alone and often lonely. As much as I fought with my brother growing up, there is a bond there like no other. Not unlike my children, there isn't many things that I wouldn't do for my sibling. So tonight I asked the newest living-in-our-house-child what color he would like his room to be and he said he didn't care. We chatted for a while and settled on a camouflage green. We talked about summer bar-b-ques, and sending him camping with his Dad. However, he is gone for the better part of the summer working. So I threw out the offer to go out just the two of us with the dogs. He promises to pitch the tent, if I cook...

So, I will have six children living in my home. All of them at the point in their life where they could chose to live somewhere else, but are content to live with me. The oldest have some other options to them, but they are looking forward to the new home and taking the next steps in life. The seventeen year old coming to live with us while he attends post secondary. The fourteen and ten year old want to live me as well. the youngest offered to share a room so that the seventeen year old could have his room (yes my heart broke at that too). The baby, well she is with her parents, but I have no doubt by the reaction I get everyday that she loves me and loves to be with me. Then there is G. I know how stressed he is right now with all the "house" stuff, but I know when all the contractors and helpers are gone it will be him and I. We built it and they all will come.

The best way I know how to be happy is to share what I have. The more the merrier, usually applies to the group, but with me it makes me happy to know that they all will be able to benefit from me. I will steel away at times I am sure... sometimes alone and others with G or mine Husky dog. Yet, there is a home that we are developing and it has nothing to do with: wood, drywall, cork floors or paint colors. It has everything to do with love, sharing and caring.

So, yes I will have twelve children living in my home. Four boys, two girls, four girl kitties and two boy dogs. At this stage in my life, I couldn't see it any other way. The area we are to live in is just down the street from a large church. The biggest theme in that building is "love" and that is exactly what I intend to do. Love them all and pray that they all may find the path to where they need to be. I am trying to let go of the "stuff" and focus on the love.

Understanding

2011-01-05T07:34:00.000-08:00

As I arrived at the new home early yesterday morning my G was there to meet me. "We need to talk" is what I put forth. We discussed the entire situation and afterwards I think we were both on much firmer ground. To communicate one must listen while the other speaks and then the one that was listening needs to show that what was said was understood. That happened, both ways and it helped yesterday go much smoother.

After a few short hours of our wonderful electrician arriving we were aware that we needed yet another permit. So, after measuring the entire basement, confirming placement of the new wall (G's son will need a bedroom if he is to live with us while he attends post secondary) I was tasked with doing a scale drawing of the existing basement as well as one with the proposed changes. The decisions were made by the couple and it certainly had the feel of a huge amount of stress being lifted off the shoulders of us both. One of the biggest issues that couples today face is the inability to communicate effectively. We have been getting better at it for a very long time, so to lapse was very difficult for me. Having said that, I am a strong willed woman that knows what she wants and has the ability to articulate it. If you don't understand, it means you are not listening. To not be heard is one of the biggest frustrations in life. There are many places I have been the advocate for those that are not heard... it is rewarding. To have one that is your advocate fail you is most hurtful. So I am pleased that we were able to set things right, recognize boundaries and resolve the outstanding in a mature and loving way.

I will post the plans of the basement drawings. We made some decisions that are a little more difficult for the "helper monkeys" but, the home is ours, as is the dream and the decisions that will go with it. Today I will go with our painter and pick out the colors (the younger one love the color of his room, the second youngest can't make up his mind at the moment, the oldest has chosen a lovely gray, the master/hallway/stairway/entry and living room will be a warm brown). With any luck the painting will begin tomorrow. The carpet is up and the flooring is being picked up today. The flooring master is attending this afternoon, there will be discussion and we are both on the same page that there are areas that we will have to spend a little more to protect our investment. The insubordinate has been put into check and the one accountable for him is aware that the first relationship must be honoured and respected. Opinion is one thing, but rudeness, anger, and bullying will not be tolerated.

I guess, in a way, I should be thankful that we have these tests to the relationships at times. It helps to solidify and earn more respect for each other. To be heard is great, to be understood is amazing and to be mutually understanding is heavenly.

Trying to keep it calm

2011-01-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

There are so many stresses this time of year that it is hard to believe that we have purchased a house and now are working to complete the areas we need done and do a few renovations. There have been the stresses of family gatherings (if you knew my family history you would understand this comment) the stresses of getting the possession of the house in order, the stresses of trying to stay positive, the stresses of the upcoming move and the stresses of not being listened to or respected.

The changes to the house are to facilitate those that will live there. The children, the fur children and the couple that are engaged to be married. Why is it that I am finding that decisions that have been made by the two that have purchased the house are being undermined and constantly under fire by the one that is supposed to be here to help? There are two of us that will be paying for the changes and the house in its entirety. This is the start of our relationship of sharing the same roof. Yet I feel that I am constantly being attacked or dismissed. I don't have to know the entire process of building a house (or finishing it) to know what I DO NOT WANT!!! This house is for six children, two adults, four cats and two dogs. The changes are to make the house better for us all. Tomorrow I will have to deal with this and I hope that the man that usually listens to me when others are not present will be the one I am talking with. Not the one that is trying to appease someone else. The one that wants to live with me, in our home that our hard-work/sacrifices have and will continue to pay for. Being told to relax, not worry, don't stress, know that it will all be done is not helping. It is like I am being treated as a child. We, the owners are the ones that need to make the decisions and have them respected. Not challenged at every turn. I will no longer defend my every action and be bullied. This is something I have dreamed about all my life and had only in the last few years come to the understand that I would never own my own home. Then things changed and we are here with possession of a home. It is one thing to say you respect someone, but when constantly interrupted, dismissed or told to relax... it isn't being treated respectfully.

Every decision that has been made thus far is not being respected. They are all being challenged and it has to stop. Tastes are different and the couple can work through those, but those are the only tastes that should enter into the picture. If I am told, "You don't want that" one more time it is going to get very ugly. I know what I don't want. I have lived in enough dysfunctional homes to know what I don't want. Having said that, in order to figure out what we do want we need to be allowed to review, discus and decide. Entering in opinions only when they are asked for.

One of my biggest frustrations is when I am talking to someone on the phone and a third party enters into the conversation. It is rude, and disrespectful. To call to relay some information and say goodnight to be met with anger, drunkenness and accusations has put me in a position that I can neither sleep or let go of all the frustrations that continue to build. This is a terrible place to be, laying the foundation in what is to be our home. If I am not worthy to be part of the decisions in changing, upgrading and finishing the home, am I worthy to live in it?

Why is it that I am constantly trying to mend fences, be respectful and facilitate others. Yet in return I am met with this blatant disrespect and bullying? This is to be OUR house, our lives and our money that is being spent. If we are not equal partners now... will we ever be? I would love to say it will be all better in the morning, but if I don't get the respect from the one whom should be respecting me above all, will I ever get it? It isn't about control so much as being part of the conversation. How do I approach this without it becoming a war? How can one be heard when there is always someone talking over them? Why is it that the conversation and decisions are between a man and his brother, when the purchase is between the man and his fiance? I would love to say that I will just hand it all over, but it will lay the foundation for hurt and frustration in a home that we are to live in together.

Stairs, will be done as ordered. Not sure what contractor will do them, but they will be done right. If not the money spent is for not and they will decrease the value of the home. The finishing on the floors will be completed, the parts are ordered and will be delivered. The respect of the person that has the experience will be listened to and understood. Not dismissed before they even get started. The changes to the electrical will be done by the electrician and passed. The color of the paint will be chosen by the two whom have purchased the home and done by the person that has more experience than I could dream of and has offered to do it. The hardware and doors will match the rest that is in the house. The ceiling will be a drop ceiling in the two bedrooms and the rest of the basement will be left as is. The other areas will be discussed and a decision made between the two that are paying for it, or we can just put the damn thing back on the market and walk our separate ways. It isn't like we are doing anything that will affect the structure of the house... not even close. I will not be told to relax, or not worry, or that isn't what I want one more time. I will be respected as the partial owner of the house, as that is what I am.

Dear Lord, I pray that this will not be the downfall of our relationship. I will be respected and listened to always, not just when others are not present. I have to dismiss the negative... the don't, can't, won't, shouldn't... instead it will be replaced with... DO, CAN, WILL, SHOULD. This is not the way to start the year... not even close. Absolutely not the way to start a life together in a home that is to be our dream. I will be respectful of only those that are respectful of me.

Please let me sleep enough to not be emotional tomorrow and dismissed as "spoiled" I am not spoiled. I have worked very hard for everything I have attained in life. I have been there to support others in their time of need. I have been the one to calm the widow, the one that is grieving. I do the best I can to all, every-time and it is damn time that it comes back to me. Make me strong tomorrow to right this wrong. Let it come together as it should, not as someone else would have it, but we as a couple will make it.

Reflections

2010-12-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow morning I will wake up and start the fourth decade of my life. So many have issues with years, ages and times, I never have before. I remember a time in my life that it seemed 30 was old. Now, I consider 70 to be rather young. Funny how as we age time seems to travel faster and years don't have the weight that they once did.

Since I was born there have been so many changes in my life. I lost my father at a very young age. He was twenty-eight, and I was not quite eight years old. Not too many years after that I watched my second youngest uncle fall down the stairs and not be breathing when he reached the bottom. I was the one that called 911 and watched my mom administer CPR. He died a few days later, between Christmas and New Years, but not on my birthday. There were great uncles that I cared for that passed. When I was nineteen my closest person to me, my maternal Grampa, succumbed to cancer. It was six weeks before my daughter was born. To be excited for new life while mourning the life of another was not easy on any level.

Then one evening after my daughter was born, I received a call in the middle of the night to tell me my great grandmother was dying and that I should come right away. It wasn't an option and based on my decision she died alone. Everyone else that would have come, was away on holidays. I wasn't willing to dress my young infant and head to the hospital in the middle of bad weather to be with someone whom was mean to me my entire life. Selfish, perhaps, but I couldn't see the risk of putting young life at risk to see the old leave this earth. I have more than made up for this and have been at the bedside of many taking their last breath from this life. I know the process, understand the way a body shuts down, but at the same time, know that while no-one wants anyone to die alone, I believe that no-one really does. There is someone there, even if those of us that are living can't see, hear or smell them. Someone comes to lead the dying home.

There have been more nasty things in my life, abuse at a young age by a family friend. Then more at the hands of yet another friend of the family. There were abusive relationships I was part of, or had the unfortunate pleasure of being forced to be present when it occurred. I have been beaten: physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially. Yet, somehow, I am here today, not spent in any of the aforementioned ways. I am not rich, but I have all I need. I am not emotional, but I have healthy emotions. I am spiritual, but that is for me and not about others. I have a strong mental status and don't let others strike that, yet I love to have a good conversation and have my brain challenged. I am healthy, though I have survived head injuries (accidental and intentionally inflicted upon me), survived cancer (free for ten years, and yet as I write this it is almost scary as it is like a challenge to it), injured at the hands of an angry male, patients that sought to harm me intentionally and others that caused me harm through no direct intention to do so. Through it all it seems that I am much older than my years. The ones that have challenged me though-out my life have either been: pushed aside, brought to realize that the issue is with them and not me, or simply don't exist in my life anymore. I chose to surround myself with those that love, respect, cherish, and appreciate my time. I have some amazing friends that are close to me. Acquaintances that I share my time with and others that I am polite to, but don't waste my time with.

I have fur children that I love and provide me with so many things. Love, that is unconditional. Strength that I can draw on with no need to apologize for doing so. Protection that allows me to sleep soundly, knowing that I will be protected while I sleep. In return I deal with some hair and some very cold night walks (who cares when you can dress for it!)

I have a man that loves me fiercely, completely and unconditionally. That respects me and is in awe of me. That puts me before others and even himself. He thinks I am beautiful, smart and powerful. He trusts me, not only in life, but with decisions that others would not. He is independent, but wants to be with me. He has given me the time I needed to balance me, my children, my life, everything else and has waited patiently. He bought me the first two rings that I have ever been given in my life, that didn't come from a family member. One I pointed out and ended up with it for a Christmas gift and the other he allowed me to pick out before he put it on my finger. We are engaged to be married. We bought a house that we intend to make into our home. We want to grow old together. Sit on the front porch swing, watch the world in the silence/ laughter that we share with ease and joy. I have been with men that told me they wanted to live with me forever, but never one that wanted to grow old with me. Content that I would change in appearance, priorities and still love me for that person that makes him laugh.

So tomorrow I will wake and start the next decade of my life... it is bound to be a roller coaster, with ups, downs, quick drops, rising fast, twisting, turning, spinning upside down and abrupt stops... I am sure there will be extremes, but as long as I am with those that love me, it will be a worthy ride. I love, am loved and will continue to share my love with any whom will have it. If it is accepted and returned I will share more, if it is rejected or abused, I will move on.

Love to you all, today and forever,
AlphaFemale

Will the day ever come?

2010-12-18T22:09:00.000-08:00

Well, the first Wednesday has come and gone as well as two Saturdays... and still no divorce papers signed. Now we are awaiting a paper from Court of Queen's Bench in Edmonton. It is so close I can taste it, but still the waiting continues. I understand the complexity of the courts, but I do not understand how hard it should be to find one paper that is the original document filed with the number that coincides with the file. Makes you wonder if the purpose of the court has escaped justice completely and moved into the business of making money. When it comes to some levels of court, I know that this is more the case than any form of justice. Having experience with most levels of court, I do not say this without some first hand knowledge.

The tree is finally up, and the nativity scene has been up for a week now. We are trying to celebrate Advent first, but it isn't easy. Some wonderful friends made a mixed Christmas CD and sent it via post... It was exactly what the doctor ordered to put me in the spirit where I should be. The most amazingly wonderful gifts are those that we create with our time and talents... this CD will last for many years and I know that the joy it brings will always bring those friends to mind. I do hope that this year we can get together and get re-acquainted. They are in California, so we will have to head down that way.

We get possession of the house on the 30th of this month. I am ecstatic, but there is a twinge of sadness there. I know that this home, its structure and the plants that were lovingly planted and maintained will be all destroyed. I understand the value of the land and the progress of a city, but it is so sad to see so many of the homes of those that built the city and the neighbourhoods being toppled to make way for long skinny homes. My Grama went door to door to help raise funds to set up the hockey rink to allow the children to have an indoor rink to use. She never skated on that ice, but did frequent the many outdoor rinks that used to be everywhere. It seems so many things these days don't exist or have been removed for more profitable "progression" When I was a child there were more outdoor rinks (ODRs as they now call them) than I could count. So many of them have been replaced by money generating pursuits.

It will be good to put down roots and work to build another community, but it makes me wonder how long it will last until a generation decides that the houses we lived in are beneath them and they need more... more of everything except community. It is sad to see, but it seems there is either community or expensive houses... the two don't seem to go hand in hand. They drive in their garage, don't know their neighbours, and the only time you see them is when the attend to their yard (if they don't have someone do it for them)... we want world peace, but can't seem to pull together small communities... We expect countries to get along, but we can't even carry on a conversation with someone that lives a few doors down.

Well, that is enough negative thoughts for now. I will head to read my Memoirs of Cleopatra and dream of a world that was so much bigger, but the people were closer... even if they lived so far apart. Today we are a phone call, text message, email or other SMS away, but we don't communicate. Sad, as I love to read a letter, share a good story over a cup of tea, enjoy a good glass of wine or Scotch with a friend. Seems that we are allowing things that are supposed to aide communication inhibit and impede our relationships... ironic though as I finish my blog entry stating this.

Christmas approaching

2010-12-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

Well, since my last post, my ex did not attend last Wednesday... was on a job out of town and would not be back ontime. I brought in the paperwork I had and went through the details. We rescheduled for yesterday, but one paper is missing, so had to be requested from the court in the Capital... So, we are rescheduled for this Saturday. Paperwork is all there... I just hope that he will sign it. Own that he has to pay child support as ordered by the law, and sign the papers.

I need to be free of the strings attached by the existing marriage. They way on me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. What I have paid to the courts thus far would have paid for two of the children (and probably a third if it was held in trust). It is frustrating to work as hard as I do and to see him do as he pleases. I provide for the children, on every level, yet he seems to think he has a sense of entitlement to do whatever he wants without any regard for the children, their needs or their day to day requirements. Trying to not get caught up in all of this, but it isn't easy.

The season fast approaches with all the consumerism that it was never intended to be. Trying to stay focused on the real meaning of the holiday isn't easy, but getting caught up in the costs of what the local media would have you would be far worse. Dreams that Santa will provide the children with whatever they want. Ideals that they should have whatever the media tells them they should want. Wanting being identified first and foremost over need... it is all a bit much.

I wish that everyone would, just once, have to face the season with nothing... no money, no resources, just those around them that love and need them. Perhaps that would help to put the focus on where it should be. Mind you, so many allow big media tell them who they are, what they should do, where they need to go, what they should drive to get there, and what they need. All instead of taking the time to realize what our own values and morals should be to help guide us.

Buying a house this time of year, while so very exciting, has added even more stress to the season. Work is busy (my kind of busy, not what others dictate should be busy) and lots of resistance to what needs to happen and is being driven. My role is changing, but they think I should do this for free... or at least at a reduced cost. I know that things will settle in, but to know that others keep trying to represent me is most frustrating.

Add to this the negativity of so many I am surrounded by and I almost want to crawl into a warm dark place and sleep until it is all over. However, I love Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. This will most likely be the last one I celebrate at my current parish. I was born into the religion there, and I will be sad to go. Yet, there is part of me that looks forward to meeting a new parish, priest, and all that there is in a new church. Next year, those that are at my home could really walk to the church (only a couple really short blocks away) and share with the real reason we celebrate this time of year. The Mass of Christ. To celebrate the baby child that was born to bring us peace and die later to save us all.

May each and everyone of you find the meaning that you hold dear to this time of year. Enjoy it all with family, friends and memories of those no longer with us. Perhaps hold in your heart the Peace on Earth that we all long for... starting in the place it needs to be seeded. The hearts of each of us. Oh, Come Oh Come Emmanuel...

The winds of change

2010-12-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a long time since I have posted anything. Between a trip to Yellowknife for the yearly Geosciences, buying a house, getting officially engaged, being ill, children being ill, and memorials to attend, life has been a little overloaded of late.

The Yellowknife trip was wonderful (as always). Lots of food, drink and enjoying the beauty that is the Canadian North. Arctic fox (as well as a couple red fox and other varieties) were everywhere we went. I literally almost tripped over one coming out of the local high school where the even is held. It was dark (the sun is tired in the winter and so sleeps more) when we head out to return our laptop bags to the hotel before heading off to the next event. Me and my G were wearing out Canada Goose Resolute, Arctic Parkas. They are wonderfully warm and have a great number of pockets in the. The big outside pocket on the left is always filled with dog treats. I miss my four legged friends when I travel and always have a reason to meet and give a treat to the new friends I meet. Liver treats and large milk-bone dog biscuits are close at hand. So when I stumbled and scared the fox I immediately gave G my bags and pulled out a large dog cookie. I whistled and tossed a cookie once the fox looked my way. He came over picked it up and then dashed away, once safely out of reach he turned looked at us for a moment and ventured off to enjoy his treat. The fox are scavengers and they have paths they follow every evening to get and save food. They are great to watch from both the living room window and the balcony of the apartment we call home while staying in Yellowknife.

We also have a room this year that allows us to view the lake. When we arrive there is a small amount of ice around the edges... after all it is only -2 C when we arrive. The temperature drops quickly while we are there (-37C) within a couple of days. As we face East we watch the sun rise each morning (around 9am) it is the north, so nothing moves as fast as the big cities to the south. The sun, ice and open water makes for a great painting by the Mother of the Earth. The water is pulled in feather like extensions towards the sun. The view is breath taking and a great way to start each morning. It also affords us the option to see the distance the ice race to meet its distant cousin from the opposing shore. In the week we are there the ice grows at least a couple miles and over half of that is in just a couple days. As the temperature takes a trip south on the thermometer, the production of ice moves quickly. Once the ice is solid it brings cheaper transport to the communities and the greatest movement of goods comes over the ice... many have seen the TV show "Ice Truckers" The unfortunate aspect of that show is that it showcases the very individuals that destroy the roads prematurely with their excessive speeds. It is sad, and brings me anger for what it does to the local people and the companies trying to business up there. There has been more than one project fall, or company go under because the ice road goes out too early and they can't afford to bring in the goods by plane.

Another wondrous thing to consider is that the projects south greatly affect the people of the north. There has been a new damn on the river in Northern BC. That coupled with the amount of water used to fight the forest fires in the south (many of which were acts of arson) and the barge that brings vehicles across the water to the McKenzie river at Fort Providence was offline while we were up there due to low water levels. That being said, it is important that we take a very close look at what our water control/management/usage/treatment here does to our brothers and sisters that live down river from us. We are a global economy, but even more so are a global family.

While in Yellowknife I was presented with a piece of carbon that solidifies (at least in the eyes of most of the world) as offically off the market. The stone is a Canadian Rocks, pulled from the earth in a local mine. The Diamond was cut in Yellowknife. The ring designed by Arctic Circle designs and purchased from Arctic Jewelers. We picked it out together and I swear that from the moment the ring was on my finger I floated everywhere I went. So many of the people we worked with had no idea G and I were a couple.. others thought so, and even smaller handful knew. I showed many my new friend that would live on the third finger of my left hand. So many were so excited, kind and even jumped up and down. There were a few though that showed their true colors, ones that I had spotted the first time I met them (some as far back as six years ago). It was a positive event to see them act the way they did, as my G realized (once again) that my sense of being able to sense dangers is as acute as the fox I tripped on.

One other creature in the north that I love to watch is the Raven. No, not Crows, Ravens. They are extremely large up in Yellowknife. When there are more than 5 together I understand why they are called a murder. They are so very smart it is intimidating. The cookies that live in my left pocket are large. I break them into two or three pieces when I see a Raven on its own and see just how close they will come to get them. They will not leave a piece behind, so to see their brains ticking to get all the pieces in is spectacular! The fox has to be smart when storing his food, as the Raven will find it and ravage the stores.

I long for the day to take my children up and experience the north for what I know it to be. A land of intelligent beautiful animals, extreme raw beauty, friendly people and a place that is much more close to what the world was when I was a child. How appropriate that my engagement ring comes from a place that holds such dear memories in my heart. Thank you G... it means so much to me... and every time I look at it I see you, me and the future that we will work on together.

Buying a house has been all encompassing. It is hard work, fun if you have the right Realtor (which we did) and scary and exciting all at the same time. We get possession of the place on December 30th. With any luck we will get all the renos done quickly so we can be moving in close to the 15th of the month. It means new schools for the boys, new church community to learn and grow in and a new beginning for us as G and I live together for the very first time.

On December 1st I attended the Candlelight Service Memorial for my Grama. It will be the first Christmas without her or my Uncle... The service was beautiful. I attended alone. G was ill, my Uncle couldn't do it (he's having such a hard time) and my Mom ended up taking my Papa to the hospital as he was spitting up blood. I was worried about that, but turned my attention to the souls that were taken up to eternal rest. the ceremony was exceptionally touching. Multi-denominational with members of each local faith community partaking in the celebration. After the ceremony that had a candle lit for each person that passed that year and one for those that were not mentioned we filed out and were presented with a glass angel that had the name of the lost loved one on it. It filled me with such joy and sorrow all at the same time. Joy that a stranger was so kind to help pave the way for healing and sorrow that we had lost one so dear.

After the memorial I headed to see how Papa was doing and arrived at the front door while still on the cell phone with my Mom. I didn't tell her I was coming (she would have told me it was too late or too far out of my way) and when she opened the door gave me a "you stupid ass" a term of endearment that each member of my family has a version of. My late young uncle's version was "dumb shit" Mine is often "smart ass" So, I had the company of my parents alone for the first time in close to twenty-one years. I have always been surrounded by family (my daughter or one of my sons) in all that time. It was wonderful to visit with just them and show them the ring that had been given to me. They are genuinely happy for me. They know the crap I have been through and are so excited to see me on the cusp of finally being where I deserve to be.

Wednesday morning will be the final step in this process. My ex is to sign the papers to finally terminate the marriage after close to eight years from the day he served me with divorce papers at work. I hope and pray that it will go smoothly and we can both get on with our lives. To be on the edge of finally being free from that man... I can hardly contain my excitement.. However, at the same time, I worry about meeting with him. I pray that he will be good and just sign things. However, there is a part of me that worries that he will try something stupid. He may have fooled the rest of the world, but no-one knows the evil that lurks beneath the skin like I do. I pray to God that he will protect me, my family and him from what evil man will do. He knows, I know and HE knows. Say a prayer for me and my family that the final step in that journey will draw to an end. The meeting is in a legal office not far from my office. He doesn't know of the impending marriage, the new home or anything else in my life. As he is only a part of my life because he is the biological father of my boys. That is it, nothing more. Perhaps in his latest version of sobriety he has found the happiness within and will be content that it is time to let go and move forward.

Wish me luck and if it is in your nature, say a prayer for me.

God Bless

time out

2010-10-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

Most sports have the ability to call a time out. The opportunity to take a breath, regroup and come up with a plan. Sometimes in life we need to do the same. For some it is as easy as deciding to go and leaving. For others there are so many responsibilities it isn't that easy. Children, fur children, a career, and everything that goes with being responsible for them creates the need to plan... even the simplest things are not easy to obtain.

The time has come for me to take the time and take a time out. The changes in the job have been stressful and making me feel less than productive. The lack of support on so many different levels is making things that much more frustrating. Looking for a new home, and all that goes with it... same thing. Children and their activities, while rewarding, are resulting in greater time commitments and less sleep. The relationship, well it has been stressed with: the new home search, the changes that are forth coming, the demands of my career/family and the reality of the idea that things are going to change. Getting time to oneself has been very difficult, but I know it will be more so when we do move in together. Add in the changes of roles in a household and things have been tough.

Not too long from now, we will head to Yellowknife for the tradeshow we have been attending for quite a few years now. While I look forward to it, it isn't really time away. We are back for a few days and then it is to Banff for the company Christmas party. The one that apparently I am the only one from our end of the business that is invited.. my man is my date... so the other two are out there on their own. While I kind of feel bad about it, I am the constant in the team. The one that works with everyone else to get what needs to be done.. well done.

Once that is over there is the coming of Christmas. The holidays can be stressful... this year I plan to avoid that as much as possible... Sometime between that and high season, I hope to get away. Once with me and a friend or two (spa weekend? or something like that) and the other just me and my man. I honestly don't remember the last time we were able to go somewhere alone that we didn't have to do something with work. Or meet up with family (his or mine). There have been numerous times in the past couple years that we had plans, but each time someone or something impeded it from happening. Sickness, weather or a host of other things... It is a little frustrating that we haven't been able to make time.... I do hope that we will be able to soon. No phones, no computer, no one calling and interfereing with a discussion or plans.. Just him, me and the pleasure of one and other's company... Here's hoping that it happens.. here's hoping that it becomes as important as having time alone.

Learning to let go

2010-10-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

There are so many things worth hanging onto in this life.. things like: good things people say, kind things people do, laughter from a small child, positive experiences, good food, good friends, good times, love from a fur child, and things that you can't imagine being without. Then there are things we need to learn to let go: anger, fears, frustrations, anxiety, bad experiences, harsh words, mean things done to us and things that bring us ill will or harm. I am surrounded by people who can't let things go... be it resentment, bad words, or bad experiences. Until we can learn to recognize what it is we are holding on to, accept it, and move past it, the only one that we are really hurting is ourselves.... and perhaps others that truly care for us.

Harboring hatred, anger, resentment, hurt and pride are not only counter productive, it is unhealthy. Allowing these things to stay and grow they will be given the power to be more than what they are. They will continue to fester. Become cancers in our minds, bodies, souls and daily lives. They will continue to possess us and rule us. Forgiveness is key when dealing with others and ourselves. We have to forgive the one that we think has wronged us and forgive ourselves. To do so will lift the power that the person or thing has over us. I am not saying we have to forget and open our selves to destructive behaviors... not even close. What I am saying is that we have to be empowered to heal ourselves, our hurt feelings, our pain, our anger, and our fears of having it happen again. Sometimes getting the forgiveness isn't realistic or impossible (getting someone to forgive us for a wrong doing that is since died) However, something as simple as writing a letter to the person and getting it off us can help. If you feel the need we can burn the letter, or bury it... the key is letting it go.

I have been wronged on so many different levels so many times. For years I held onto it all, used it as an excuse for inappropriate behaviors and mistreatment of others as well as myself. Then a time came that I realized that I had to let it go. I had to forgive, and move past the tragedy/abuse/neglect and a host of other things in order for me to be able to grow. As long as the anger/hatred/pain is retained, you are inhibited. It is like a dog that has a parasite. No matter how well the dog is fed, the amount of love it is given, exercised and needs met, it will not obtain what it could. To thrive the parasite must be removed.

How do we facilitate others that we love and care for to see the holding on to be what it is? An excuse for: being negative, feeling negative, acting negative, failure, and not achieving what we can. How do we get them to see the one that is hurting the most is them? How do we get them to see that with forgiveness comes a freedom, a calm, a balm that heals the wounds and allows them to grow? If we can't help them to get there, when must we let them go so that they are not able to infect us?

I pray for so many people every night. I pray for them to be safe, secure, happy. I pray for them to be healed: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Not in my eyes, but in what the eyes of one far greater than I, to get what they need... even when they themselves don't see it. I also pray that I will be able to forgive others for their wrong doings and they forgive me. The old "Our Father" "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us" it is time that we actually pray this and understand the weight of those words.. as well as do everything we can to live this. For the better of others, but also for the betterment of ourselves.

The big Bad Wolf vs this little pig

2010-10-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

There has been so much change this year. Loss of family members. Birth of new family member. Changes in roles (daughter to mother, mother to grama, grama to great grama, and great grama to the life after). Changes in roles at work. Change is the most common cause of stress in a person and a relationship. Just in case there hasn't been enough stress, there is the purchase of a new home.

This home will house the current group that lives with me (my two boys, my daughter, her husband and daughter, my four cats and two dogs) as well as my companion of over seven years now. He has lived on his own for many years and has great anxiety about moving into the same home. Yet, a couple days ago we were bidding on a house. We stepped away and left an offer on the table overnight. They came back and we now are thinking about it. It's hard, as we are both faced with absolute need to move (for two different reasons). Perhaps I should ditch the entire thing and just see about buying a townhouse. At this stage, I cannot afford a stand alone on my own.. We have seen over 70 properties, and either the house is good and the garage isn't or visa versa. This house has no garage, but is at a purchase price that will allow us to build the one we want. There are issues with building in the winter, but it is possible. Maybe a little more costly, but possible.

I am not sure how to communicate things, and as such have just let him be. We may stand to lose the home, but it is better than moving in (or up in cost $5000) OK, that was sarcasm.. but I want him to be happy. Content that the place and decision are correct. However, the house has room for everyone and then some. Everything on our check list and the price is great. The garage isn't built, but it isn't too small a space to build one. The hard thing is that so many have opinions and advise, yet the ones who speak the loudest are the ones that often don't listen to the question...

I sit here, ham in the oven and wonder what to think..

Yesterday we met with my parents, uncle, brother and his oldest daughter. We shared some time, a meal and scattered the last of my Grama's remains on the hill over looking the small town below, the mountains and the prairies. It was a difficult thing to do, but it is good to have all of her remains taken care of.

The day before we were offering and counter offering on a home that I thought we both loved... Today, I am wondering what changed.. and thinking maybe I need to change my thinking and figure out how to do this on my own. I understand the need to be sure, but how do you talk yourself out of something that you had talked yourself into. My expectations are not too high, my budget is reasonable, and the time I have left to move into a home of my own is getting shorter and shorter. I find at the moment I am doubting more than just the purchase of a new home... how do I talk myself out of that??

Well, time to get the rest of the meal together.. I have lots to be Thankful for, I guess part of me wishes that a future home of my own would be part of that list today... and it isn't... nor am I sure when or if that will be.

Dance with Me

2010-09-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended the Johnny Reid concert with a cousin. It was a bitter-sweet night, filled with awesome music, laughter and tears. As far as performers go he was very much in touch with the crowd. He shared his life lessons, experiences and gift of a lovely raspy voice that left us wanting more. My uncle that passed away last May was the one that introduced his music to me. Last night his presence was palpable. Music soothes the savage beast, puts the restless babe to slumber and softens the heart. For music, I am grateful. For people in my life that touch me in such depths that my soul weeps, I am humbled. Thank God for loving family, friends and experiences that remind us of the wonderment that is music and the people that are able to share their gifts.

Frustrations/stresses and nerves....

2010-09-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

We have been looking at houses. It is exciting and frustrating. There is so much crap on the market. Homes that have had Mr & Mrs DIY doing things. It is so frustrating to see places that have lovely bones done wrong by poor quality workmanship, improper finishing, or changes that have caused structural issues. The best part is that they then list the house for more, when in reality all the work done would have to be removed and redone, thus the value of the property is less than it was before the work was done. Not losing faith, will find the right place. Its all just taking longer than I thought it would.

I am a little worried about mixing the group. G is very used to living on his own. He has been doing it for fifteen years minus a month or two here or there. It's going to be an adjustment for him. As for the rest of my brood, well it is going to be an adjustment for them as well. Having another adult in the house is going to be stressful in the beginning. I hope that everyone can realize that there will be a period of adaptation, have patience and respectful. The stress this is creating in me of late is a little overbearing. There is the looking for the house. Trying to figure out what to spend. What area we should live in. If I should leave the kids in their school for the last year (unless by some stroke of divine intervention we find a place in the school's area). What expectations we should set. When we should sit down and discus things. Lastly, how do you get people to be conscience of the idea that what they say in front of the young ones can cause stresses that the should not be exposed to, nor do they need.

It isn't easy having three generations in one house. It is even more difficult if there is a sense that the different backgrounds and ideals are way out of line for what the norm is for others. I try to be passive unless my children are in harms way or being placed in situations/discussions that they should not be. Unfortunately, others are aggressive, opinionated and outspoken. It is going to be difficult to straighten this out before it causes issues. How do you teach someone to put others before themselves, when they have not had to in the past? Well, enough of this, need to get groceries, do laundry and go look at more properties. Hopefully they will all realize that until such time everyone is in their own place, there is going to have to be give and take. That we need to be aware of what our triggers are, and realize that they are just that. Recognize that there are many going to be living in this home and be respectful of everyone whom lives there. There is no more equal person living in the house... except the little ones. They are not adults, and as such need to be left out of adult conversations, observations and frustrations.

The real search begins

2010-09-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

If things don't change drastically in the next little while, we should find ourselves in a home of our own soon. Things have been coming together slowly, one stone falling into place at a time. One hurdle overcome to become another building block in the future. The mortgage is in place... the down payment is good to go. The area of town confirmed.... no, not yet, but we know where we do not want to be. So that is a start for sure!

Tomorrow we will go and look at the first group of houses with a young Realtor. She is very good about putting things out in a way you can understand... Setting out her role, our role and the roles of others. She made me feel at ease right away... and I think she will make it fun.

I may be a little off right now, but have tried to make it clear that I want to do this as a couple. It is our choice, our path, our lives and will be our home. I know that many have our best interests at heart... but that is the thing, it is our heart and our interests. We can look at houses, explore them, laugh, giggle, cough, sputter or run... but this is our time to grow, explore and enjoy. For now the only ones I want present are G, our agent and I. It isn't that I don't admire or think that what others may have to offer has no value. That isn't it at all... this is us... our journey, our lives, our decision... it will be intimate, and there is no room for another opinion until we are ready to ask for it.

I have come a long way from the meek female that wanted to: keep the peace, avoid the confrontation, walk on eggshells, worried about what feelings may be hurt, or what others may think. I am strong. I have made it where I am today because I stood up for not only myself, but for my children and for what was right for me. This time round there is no room for anyone else... NOT NOW.. So I have requested that everyone go home, take care of their own and leave us to ours. We will come together, formulate a list (or many lists) and walk this part of the road on our own. We have our agent to guide us and our wants/needs/love to bring us to where we should be.

At this stage in my life it is about me, him and us. The others will have to wait until the time comes that they are in this situation... this stage in life and then they may understand why. If they don't, well, that really isn't my problem... any more than their feelings or thoughts about this decision is of my concern. This isn't selfishness, it is self preservation. It isn't about being controlling, it is about being in control. It is about what is right for me, him, I...us.. It is about boundaries and I am being crystal clear about mine!

A difficult day

2010-08-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

A good friend, long out of touch, gave me Sweet Peas and Sunflowers to put at Grama's burial site today. She is between my Grampa and two uncles... Three of us spoke and my Mom and I sang "Till We Meet Again". The people in the family that have been causing the problems didn't speak to me or acknowledge any of us. I feel sad for them, as they really don't get the point of the day. It was about my Grama. Mind you, they never really got the point about her ever. They both belittled her. Dismissed her and talked down to her. I know that she forgave them. She forgave everyone that was mean to her. Just don't be mean to her family. Well, if she could see them today, I wonder....

Her ashes were buried with a Zane Grey novel, a small stuffed animal, a letter from me, some candied peanuts, and a small toy lego from my youngest. There was soil from her garden, Sweet Peas, Sunflowers, some daises that I picked up and a couple roses too.. We visited my Dad's grave, his brother's, his father's, my great uncles, my stepfathers parents, and those that were surrounding my Grama. We put roses on all of them... I know that we do this for ourselves, but it felt good to go and respect those that left us. I found great humour that there was a gopher hole by my Daddy's gravestone. Kind of justice for all the ones that he shot with a 22.

Makes me realize that even in death, I have a sense of humour.

Thank you to my G for being there with me today. To my children for loving her so and to my Mom for being my Mom.

To Dust we shall return...

2010-08-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we will intern my Grama's ashes. She died in February this year, but the interment is tomorrow. It will be a difficult day. It seems that since she and my youngest uncle have passed the family is not what it once was. I miss them both terribly.. I see them in my dreams and they talk to me. While it brings me comfort to talk to them in the resting hours I awake with an aching sense of loss. They are missed.

Tomorrow we will gather at the graveside where she will be placed with Grampa. There is a vault that the ashes are put in and we have a few things to go in it. Soil from the garden where she grew food for many for years. Winning the battle over the weeds. Time, care and love went into that garden... this year it is covered in weeds that pass for a lawn. It wasn't that I couldn't plant it.. it was more like I wasn't likely to still be here. The steps for moving out and away are being firmly planted. When I arrive there, at our new home, I will plant another garden next year. The sad part is that I didn't even plant Sweet Peas or Sunflowers.. her two favourites, I wish I could attend tomorrow with some of each for her. Again, next year (and all the ones after that) I will plant them in her and Grampa's honour.

Candied peanuts (a few) as this was one of Grama's most favorite treats. For her memorial service I searched for them and couldn't find them. I did find them in Whitehorse and saved a few (shared them with my G whom likes them too) for tomorrow.

I wrote her a letter that I will put in the vault too.. Given that it will be buried I thought I would put it here, as a reminder of her.. (minus the names)

Dear Grama,

It has been over six months since you have drawn your last on this earth. The matriarch of our family no longer here. I miss your laughter, voice, singing, the way you teased young and old and your quick sharp wit. Not a day has passed that you have not been on my mind and in my heart.

The way you gave/loved without boarders or expectations or strings. You helped those who needed it. Cared for those others had failed. Your door was always open, phone always answered and there was always enough food for one more.

To watch your body fail you was one of the most difficult things this live has ever presented to me. To see your loneliness grow and your stories of Grampa carry us all through.

At five foot and a half you were the most powerfully kind woman I ever knew. You raised your children and other's children too. Perfect Grama who shared so much. My Granddaughter Baby Girl, was given to us shortly after you left. She is amazing and I have found myself singing to her songs you sang to me and my babies. I can still hear your voice when I really listen. Still feel your love when I stop and open my heart. I know you are there and I look forward to the day we meet again. Let's share cookies and tea at His table.

With my heart I will love and cherish you all my days.

Forever,
Me

PS Baby Girl loves "Dashing Away"

So tomorrow we will put her ashes in the soil. The body is long gone, but the memories are as fresh as the day they happened. The day is supposed to be sunny and warm. The weather to turn cold in the evening. It will be fitting to watch the sun set knowing that her remains are beside her husband of over fifty years.

The last few times I have been to my Mom's sitting in the living-room I found myself humming a song that Grama sang, but I never knew. I took the time and found out the name of the song and learned the lyrics. It is fitting for her tomorrow.. I will sing a line or two in her honour. This song was popular during the second war and was played on the radio...

Till We Meet Again

Smile the while you kiss me sad adieu
When the clouds roll by I'll come to you.
Then the skies will seem more blue,
Down in Lover's Lane, my dearie.

Wedding bells will ring so merrily
Ev'ry tear will be a memory.
So wait and pray each night for me
Till we meet again.

Smile the while you kiss me sad adieu
When the clouds roll by I'll come to you
So wait and pray each night for me
Till we meet again.

Miss you Grama, but know in my heart that you are there, watching over us all... Till we meet again.

Respect

2010-08-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

There are many times in life that we get the opportunity to respect others. There is respect for: one's opinion, belief, religious affiliation, position in life, as a person, as an individual, as a peer, as a acquaintance, as a superior, as a member of a family and as a friend or loved one. The difficulty can come when some of those types of respect overlap.

Frustration builds when one refuses to see the lines of respect. Talking over someone is highly disrespectful. As is interrupting. Trying to clarify something shouldn't mean that you are not listening. Clarification occurs when you are not sure you understand what was heard. Discussion about different views is something we experience in life, but we need to understand our place in a relationship to know when to take what is said respect it. Communication should never be misunderstood for disrespect. When conversing as a family member over a meal or beverage is a very different role than when working with someone you are related to. A good leader will listen to the other subordinates, but ultimately make the decision based on what their position and knowledge base is. A good worker will respect that the superior has listened and may disagree or agree, but recognize that the decision is not theirs to make. It isn't a matter of right or wrong, so much as a position of making a decision that is correct for the matter at hand.

Being in a role that puts you in charge of people you are related to, or in a relationship with is difficult at best. It can be most difficult to separate the personal and business life. It is even more difficult when you are dealing with more than one person that has more than one roll in your life.

Recently, okay, this week.. I was put in a position to attend to a remote site to resolve issues that have been brought to the forefront due to poor communication and lack of business respect. It meant that I had to make sacrifices to my family during the summer that is far too short in this northern country I live. It was a matter of making a decision to take care of an issue that was far out of control. A position that I was being sent into (on short order) to attend to the dysfunction of a couple to communicate from a position of respect. Above all in business, it is imperative that you communicate with those you are working with in a respectful way. Unless you are in the armed forces, there are very few positions in business that see a dictatorship role with no discussion. On the flip side of that same coin, there are very few positions in business that should allow a familial relationship to inhibit business. The relationship should not be compromised or tested because of a position of questioning. When a child asks his or her parents a question, they are looking to learn. When a child tests their parents, they are looking to learn boundaries. When working for a family member, it is important to take the position to learn and not to test boundaries. If the subordinate is testing boundaries they are not being respectful of the business position, nor the member with whom they are related.

As a person that has both business and personal relationships with these people it is increasingly stressful to see this happen over and over. In a position of business it is my responsibility to keep things running smoothly and back up the person with more authority, knowledge base and therefore ability to make a decision. In a position of having stronger ties with one over the other, it makes me very aware that some do not see these lines as clearly as I do.

Within a very short time of arriving to site, I was able to communicate effectively with various positions on-site. Smooth things over, bring the mutual respect back to where they should have been in the first place, and remind people that when dealing with multiple levels of business there is etiquette that dictates how to act. The ability to recognize the person's: position, level of education, stress of their position and need to be able to get their tasks done is absolutely necessary when working to get a job completed. When you are in need of their assistance (or their subordinates assistance) you need to discuss, and work together to get a solution that will ensure that the job is done. When you arrive and start dictating, all you do is piss a bunch of people off. Humour in business is something that is absolutely necessary, but needs to be applicable to the people you are working with.

The client is content with things now. That part of my job is what I do best. There will be more "damage control" to attend to tomorrow when the higher levels of the production mine arrive on the scheduled bus. However, dealing with the lack of professionalism of one is proving to be straining on both my professional and my personal person. To watch their lack of respect to another is almost unbearable. Will take a bit of a back seat the next couple of days and see where things go... if the one doesn't step up and take a professional stand, I will be forced to pull rank and take care of it myself. I have been in many different roles over the years with different jobs. The most difficult part for me has often been dealing with the poorly educated. Especially those that have little respect for those whom achieve positions because of their abilities and knowledge base. The sad thing is, that when you attend to business with them, they often think you are flexing your corporate muscle, instead of respecting that you trying to help them grow. Sad really.

Roller-coaster anyone??

2010-07-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

No, I am not talking about the one you stand in line, get strapped in and then get pushed down into your seat. I am talking about the roller-coaster of emotions that goes along with being on the medications I need to breath. The Ventolin makes me shake (not that big a deal, unless you are trying to do something) makes me feel spacey and seems to make my thinking tangential. The Flovent and the steroid it contains are making me go through a range of emotions. Yesterday was most probably the most difficult day on an internal level than I ever have had without a loss/death/accident. It was brutal and thankfully my G was there for me, talked me through, it was hard for him too.. The thing is that functioning as I have been for the last while lacking oxygen, I have not been myself. Add in the meds and it is like my filter has ceased to exist. The range of emotions, anger, frustration, regret, sadness, guilt, joy, absolute sorrow and everything that may lay between any of the aforementioned.

Today, I awoke (after getting some much needed sleep last night) and took the meds I needed a little early so I had some time to adjust before I read at church today. I was filling in to do the second reading, it was not too long, so as long as I wasn't shaking uncontrollably from the Ventolin all would be good. We, the boys and I, got ready and headed to church. When we arrived it turns out that the Deacon was not there, so I was also to read the intentions. Second read, no issues. Singing, not a chance, no lung capacity for that and it was about two hours after the inhalers.. So Creed, done, go and read the intentions... no problem at all. Immediately after mass, chatting with different people, I sounded like I had just finished a marathon, or swam the English Channel. There was a pancake breakfast, only the 11:15 mass it was more like pancake lunch. We went home...

I made a call to my man and was fighting for breath and so tired. After only twelve minutes on the phone, I was in the bed, my big dog at my side. Would I have any issue sleeping?? NO!! The children woke me about three hours later. When I got up they had cleaned: the kitchen, the floors, washed the cupboard fronts, the doors, the walls, and vacuumed. There was no spray of any sort used (as they knew it would bother my lungs).. It was nice to see them working together for the common good of the home.

We had dinner, I had an iced coffee. Coffee is my friend. Then a little time working on some paperwork for the meeting tomorrow with a mortgage consultant. Still short of breath, so took the inhalers a little early and now I am ready for bed. Hopefully my shortness of breath will ease up so I can start to get more packing done.

For now, I head to bed and hope that I can get more sleep... let the bad dreams stay away.. and may tomorrow be a little less breathless.

Why am I so Angry?

2010-07-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have issues with my respiratory system.. they aren't every other person's', but why does it feel like every damn smoker is out there to kill me?

Attended the Calgary Stampede this afternoon and so many times as I was inhaling, somebody was blowing smoke into my face. I know it is addictive, I know it is legal, I know many things about smoking, but why should someone else have the right to make a decision that adversely affects my health? There are actual smoking areas, that allow them to go and have a smoke in an area that those of us whom are ill, at risk, or generally give a shit about our health, can avoid. As one whom has had smoke inhalation, I am at the point where I just about want to deck each ignorant, inconsiderate, self absorbed, dumb sh*t that exhales their toxic fumes into my lungs. Or, alternatively (as we all need alternatives) put them in a situation where the world ceases to exist because you can't get enough air into your lungs to support your life systems. Feel what it is like to have the inability to finish a sentence to explain to the doctor what is going on, not able to sit up straight (as you are using all your accessory muscles just to try to breath), head starts to swim, heart races, headache is next with the thought that if the top of your head blew off... it would maybe make you feel better, then throw in amazing chest pain just like icing on a cake. Breath is life, smoking is an addiction... not a right to put others at risk. The thing that frustrates the hell out of me is that some of them will end up with lung cancer and feel what I have described above. While a terrible, cruel, painful death, chosing to smoke increases those risks... Breathing the toxic crap from your lungs into the air that the rest of us breath is plain selfish. Drink and do something that causes someone else to die, you will be charged. Smoke and cause others to go into respiratory distress, asthma attack, burn them with your cancer stick, and you are exercising a right.

It's time that someone stepped upto the plate and make smoking ANYWHERE in a public place illegal. Or, maybe use some of the taxes that they pay to die, to build smoking rooms. They could be airtight, filtered, and prevent a breeze from bringing the toxins in contact with anyone, but the smokers, in the box. They should be negative air pressure, so when the door is opened the air rushes in. Maybe that would be enough to pull some of their heads out of the cloud of smoke that is killing them.

Okay, a little less angry now, but still ill.

Illness in the family

2010-07-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

My big dog has been very close to me from the first time I laid eyes on him. He comes to me in my dreams and did this even before he had come to be part of my family and home. Having him ill worries me greatly. The thought of losing him causes such great pain, I don't know if I could handle it. The loss of weight in the eight days we were away is worrisome. The boys cleaning up the stool from the back yard discovered worms. Not sure if the stool was fresh or not. When I started grooming him to give him some one on one time his fur was coming out in clumps. Now, while this is not abnormal for a Alaskan Husky in the summer, the hair is usually the undercoat. The soft downy insulating part of the coat. What I an getting is everything... and it scares me. He sleeps in his usually position in his bed, next to mine... but he is lethargic, dull eyed and his nose is terribly dry..

That night I awake multiple times... chest pain, can't breath, coughing uncontrollably. I finally decide to get up and goto the hospital.. Someone is always up, this time there isn't.. I will go and see the family doctor tomorrow, so I guess it will wait until the next day. Sleep, doesn't come easy and I awake feeling more tired and more ill than I did the day before.

I return the keys to the summer house to their rightful owner.. it was grand and she is pleased we had a good time. There is a place for rent at the end of the block. I call the number and ask if they allow pets.. he tells me someone is there and to go take a look at it. So myself and my youngest do exactly that.. We are getting the tour from the little Italian lady that is very hard to understand. Halfway into the tour she turns and asks do you have the pet? I start to answer yes and she says, no point to waste your time and mine. No rent to pets. She says if we want to get rid of them she would gladly rent to us. She asks my son, "What would you rather have? That kitchen or the pet?" He looks at me for re-assurance and once he gets it answers, "My pets are my family." I smile and she shakes her head and goes back in her house. My nerves are a little raw at the entire thing and feeling lousy and having to take the big dog into the vet doesn't help.

We go in, and it is confirmed that his has lost 6kg. The coat is definitely not as healthy as it should be. The vet is concerned takes the stool sample that we gave and they find two eggs, but are not sure as they might be contaminants. She gives me the pills to deworm him and sends me on the way with lots of positive confirmation that he is a wonderful dog and part of it might be that his entire pack was gone..

Off to the family doctor, only he is away and had a fill in. Never in all my life, as a patient or a nurse, have I encountered such blatant incompetency that I met in that office. I had to done a mask (coughing you know) and when he came in told me his name. I told him what I was feeling and he says to me, you are covered in hair (I just came from the vet!) and that pets would make me cough. I should get rid of my pets. I told him and explained what I had, how long I had had it and gave him a little medical history. He put his stethoscope on me three times (twice just below my collar bone) and wrote me a prescription for a medication that I am allergic to one in its class (VERY allergic). I asked him a question about the med and his response was, "I don't know, I have never taken it!" REALLY?? So in order to know anything as a doctor you have to have had it, taken it or experienced it??!! Instead I asked, "Are you for real??" he shock his head and left. I went to the pharmacy next door and she told me I shouldn't take the meds and get a second opinion. Where in this city do you get a second opinion? Well, I was still ill, I went and took care of a couple things and finally headed out to my home town hospital. The wait was about an hour and a half, for which they staff was most apologetic. I had a proper assessment and was given Ventolin to allow me to get some air to the bases of my lungs. I wasn't getting any from any part of my lungs but the top lobes... he went through everything with me, then did research to give me a medication for the infection that I could take with my allergies that are so limiting. He did all the teaching that should be done and was so very thorough. I thanked him and the RN that I saw and went home.

I was very shaky from the Ventolin, but the ability to breath after fighting for breath for so long was very comforting! I will fill the rest of prescriptions shortly.

Thank God for the good doctors out there... they not only save lives, but make us feel better about being an advocate for ourselves. Now let hi heal my big dog and life will be as it should be... at least for a while.

The remaining few days of the Gifted Trip

2010-07-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Once the weather changed to warmth and sun for the entire day, I didn't sit and write, but got out and enjoyed the weather. We travelled around the shops downtown on Sunday, first Sunday in I don't know how long that I didn't attend church... didn't know where it was. Will attend the upcoming Sunday.. We found the bakery and their pretzels and cheese buns. The many galleries that had some wonderful artwork, not the soapstone... it was terrible. The stones were nice, but the childish versions of bears with painted on noses and eyes didn't do any real justice to the real work done by the Inuit people of the north. I guess, I am probably being very harsh, but given that there is a real shortage of soapstone in this country, why not leave it to the artists that have their basis in culture and a form of art that has been passed through the generations. My opinion... There was lots of amazing paintings of different forms and types. Some sculptures that were grand.. pottery that was well done. Glass that was sure to leave the artist breathless (as it did to me viewing it) Jewelry and much more.

The children and I then climbed back into the vehicle, little dog with us. We drove around the entire lake, picked up some cherries, fresh and from BC. Then headed back to the house. Being later and the fact that the steaks I had taken out were still not thawed completely, we ordered pizza and then went and picked it up. The children rounded out the evening with some national geographic films.. I headed to bed with another book. (I read three full novels while I was there. What a nice option to read for just the love of reading)

The next day was spent listening to music. Trip to the beach. Steak, potatoes and salad for dinner. More quiet time on the patio. Last full day we went out for lunch and went for another tour or the area. More time on the beach. It was warm and to watch the families with children of all ages was pretty cool! My girl and her baby girl stayed under the shade of the umbrella we brought just for that purpose. The boys, one played in the sand making tunnels and a fortress, the other in the water just like the fish he is. He met up with some girls his age out on the platform in the middle of the swimming area of the lake. He sure does know the young ladies... kind of scares me, but he is still only 14. My son in law hangs around in the shadows taking pictures of this and that. He has a pretty good eye and caught some great shots!

Dinner that night was the best one while there. Slow bar-b-que chicken, split in half and done on indirect heat. Potatoes cooked in the same fashion and salad. This was all eaten on the patio under an umbrella with the view of the lake. A couple uninvited guests arrived, large spiders (so NOT a fan) but overall a lovely meal with good conversation and company (minus the eight legged variety) The next day we would depart. As this is not my home, I wanted to be sure to leave it at least in the manner we received it. Started the process of tidying up and packing.

The next morning I woke early (again with the drowning while I was trying to sleep and the cough that was not manageable, waking in stress and with chest pain) Will wait to return before I go see the family doctor. During the day, my voice is low and the chest is tight. Couching only comes if I talk too much or do too much. The bedding I strip and throw in the wash. I tidy the kitchen, pack what is left of the food we brought or bought, and set things at the top of the stairs. The guest bathroom gets a clean up and the floor a spot wash. I awake the boys and set them to repeat stripping the beds and tidying their room. Their bedding goes in the washer and mine into the dryer. I shower and tidy/clean my bathroom. The older ones get up and get some food into them (and me, as I realize I have not eaten anything either). The tidying continues and when we leave shots of the house are taken to remember the things that tend to slip the mind.

The drive home, we take it easy and stop places I have only passed before. The young ones take more photos of the lush green, majestic blues, and colors of mother nature in the Canadian Rockies in a summer with plenty of water. The trip home seems shorter than the trip out (doesn't it always??) and we soon pull in front of the home that has been in the family since the mid fifties. The same home that will soon be sold (I have confirmation that the will is through probate and so will soon be listed). We set to cleaning it and getting stuff done that needs to be (which includes mowing half of the front lawn before I and the the mower both run out of gas). My big dog is ill... has lost lots of weight, his fur is coming out in chunks, and it lethargic. I call and make an appointment for him to see the vet (boys also found worms in his stool) Now that I am home I will go and see my family doctor too.

It was a great trip. Lovely scenery, amazing house, lots of rest and relaxation. Now back to reality... and reality BITES!

Day four and five of the Gifted Trip

2010-07-09T07:55:00.001-07:00

July 4th

Another national holiday, not ours, but our neighbour to the south. It also is my G's dad's birthday. I would have called him (I remembered when I crawled out of be this morning at 7:30am) Yet, I could not locate his number no matter how hard I tried. Oh, well, I will send a late e-card when I am back online.

Yesterday started with rain, but cleared up in the mid afternoon. The boys and I went to the public beach. The oldest boy swam and the youngest made tunnels and rivers in the sand. While there we had the pleasure of a young group attending the park with their drums and guitars. While some played bocce ball the others made music on their simple instruments. I could no longer read and was drawn into the music. If I was younger I would have started to dance. That type of music requires the body to move. Once the boys were ready we headed back to the Volvo. I told them that the music was lovely and thanked them for sharing their gifts.

We toured the downtown of Inveremere, giving each of the children some money do do with as they pleased. Don't think one of them spent any money at all.. There were some lovely galleries, and I recognized some paintings from a show I attended with my good friend earlier in the summer. The pottery was interesting, but nothing of the calibre that I am used to seeing living next to such a gifted lady. I must replace my teapot... I am down to one that only holds two cups.. Will do that when I get home.

We took a drive all the way around the lake. We went through some interesting territory and then headed back driving through Windemere, and then back into Inveremere. We ordered pizza and went to pick it up. The children enjoyed it, but I wasn't really feeling all that inclined to eat (could be the pretzels we picked up at the local bakery), could be my headache and chest that felt like elephants were lying on it.

I have been ill since we left Calgary on the 30th... It has been getting worse. Last night I kept waking from dreams because I was drowning. In reality, I really could not breath. The cough has progressed into my chest and the bark that goes with it is wet and screams pneumonia. Not abnormal for me to get a “wet lung” ever since the fire and smoke inhalation I am very susceptible. The best part is that anything that is over the counter I cannot take, as it will compromise my cornea.. so I will fight this chest cold, that now is coupled with wheezing and a headache that measures on the Richter scale. After tea, water and Ginger-ale I climbed into a shower... thinking that the humidity would help me breath and be a little more inclined to do something with the children. I climbed into the shower... NO hot water. Not a big deal, I just dried off and wrapped myself in blankets and put on a hoodie. When the oldest came in I mentioned that I thought it would be a good day to goto the hot springs. I chose Radium as it was more inclined for me and my nasty chest. If the weather is still not so lovely tomorrow we can head to Fairmont where there is much more recreation for the children.

The hot springs were lovely. My granddaughter loved them. I had a great time swishing around the pool with her in my arms. We were there for a little while and when the littlest became fussy, we all were ready to go. I facilitated my daughter to get the little one washed, dried and dressed. She was so tired and when I placed her in her stroller she was asleep in a very short time. I dried and dressed and we headed out. The children waited while I went to get the car. It was raining much harder now. It was great to be raining while sitting in a warm pool, but once dry... not so much! As I approached the vehicle my headache returned with a vengeance. We came back to the house, the boys watch a movie and the rest of us napped. Again, with the waking because I was drowning. Not much fun... More reading and then again I had another nap. I made dinner, bar-b-Que steaks, baked potatoes, mushrooms and onions fried, and a salad. Making dinner is such a treat here with the kitchen set up the way it is. Makes me wonder what I need to do in order to get a home like this...

After dinner my son-in-law and I headed to the store to get some more fruit, bread and a few treats that were requested. Still the headache... still hoping I will wake tomorrow with it gone. I am blessed to have had this time to relax, unwind, sleep and heal. I know that more than just my body needs to heal.. The soul has taken a beating of late. With the loss, the trauma and the uncertainty, it has been a much needed time for me. So now I will finish my cup of peppermint tea, a glass of water a few aspirin and hope that tomorrow will bring sun and good health.

Day three of the Gifted Trip

2010-07-09T07:54:00.001-07:00

July 2nd, 2010

I awake at 4:05am, or so it says on the alarm clock next to the bed. I get up, let the dog out and back in. Head to do the same as he and then we both head back to bed after a drink of water. Him from his water dish, me from a container in the fridge. No issues going back to sleep. The sun is not apt to be out early this morning and rain looks to be coming soon.

Finally at 7:30am I crawl out of bed, feed the dog and grab myself a muffin and my book. Everyone else in the home is still sleeping and I take full advantage of the quiet surroundings. It is quiet here. Very little traffic, no barking dogs, no planes overhead. Kind quiet sounds of nature with the occasional sound of a passing train. It isn't loud, in fact I find it helps me sleep. Being used to the noise of the city, the occasional train is almost like a touch of home. The noise not intrusive, but calming.

At a little after 8:30 the rest of the house starts to stir. The quiet was nice while it lasted. They awake one by one and the oldest gives me my granddaughter to appease as she makes an morning meal for herself and her husband. Shortly after everyone is up and about the boys (all of them) head to the water with the inflatable boat. It is somewhat quiet and once the babe is asleep her and I head for a cuddle as her mommy has a shower. We cuddle and soon we are both asleep. The insistence cell phone rings, not once but three times. As the third ring starts I head out to see what is going on. I notice that it is raining outside. It is the boys.. they want a pick up from the public beach, as it is poring and they have the camera with them and no way to protect it. So, I head out to go and get them. They are soaked. But safe and back to the house we go. They all have lunch of some sort that they each make themselves. I have a glass of milk and head back to the master suite to read in peace and quiet. Everyone naps.. While they are all asleep I put on a pot roast. The weather is wet and not all that warm, so figure it is a good meal. One pot and make the house smell good and warm it up a bit. Again to the book. After about 3 hours we all sit to a meal of roast beef, potatoes and peas. The children clean up and I settle down to the laptop to write.. They all are downstairs and then within minutes they appear and want to goto the beach. We all load up and head out. It isn't raining and we watch the few water skiers, a couple using surfboards as boats, and a skidoo. It is entertaining, but not all that warm. The baby sits with her parents and I on a swing... it starts to rain.. so we head back to the local store where I grab some tea, honey and hot chocolate and marshmallows. Currently we await the kettle to boil.

With any luck, tomorrow we will use the ice in the freezer after a long warm day.

Day two of the gifted trip

2010-07-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

July 1st, 2010

The early morning and I awake. Not like when I sleep in any one of a number of hotel rooms. This morning I awake and know just where I am. I pad over to let the little dog out the back door. A quick watering of a small bush and he leads me back to the master suite. I repeat what the dog did (only in the posh en-suite) wash my hands and slip back into bed. After all, it is holidays and it is before 4am. The house is still quiet.

I roll out of bed for the second time at 9:15. Not sure if we are MDT or PDT, but given that we are on holidays... WHO CARES? There is no internet here.. none. It suits me fine. Instead I clean up the laptop removing bits and pieces that are long overdue. 9 GB of data removed later and I sit down to start writing. I love to write, but never seem to find the time during real life.

The children have all made their own breakfasts and cleaned up after themselves. My oldest boy and son-in-law have swept off the deck and up out the seat cushions. They have since headed off to the lake. I stay here in the quiet and take time to myself. What a luxury! Little dog paddles around at my feet with his nails clicking on the lovely hardwood. The windows are open and I can hear the sound of children playing and water craft in the distance. Maybe later I will venture to the water. For now, I am headed to the chaise in the master suite with a good book...

I read until my head was heavy and then had a nap. The children are still away, but I can see the oldest boy headed this way. As I wonder what has become of the others, it isn't long before they appear from the opposite direction. My cell has rang 5 times, I am on holidays, but the cell ringing with an prefix of 881, typically means trouble. I listen to the message left and call the one whom is to take care of things while I am gone. No answer, so I leave a message... The issues they are having could have been avoided if someone would listen to company policy. No one can set up their own system, in 20 tries 2 might be successful, but only after many minutes (maybe hours) remotely helping on a sat phone that is only capable of 3-5 minute conversations. This costs our company money, as none of us work for free. The reality is, they wanted to do it themselves and now that they can't get a signal want us to scramble and get someone up there right away... NOT MY PROBLEM!! :o) The cell rings, I am comfortable on the chaise outside on the patio. Turn up the music.... not listening. Rings again, guilt... I check and see that it is the one I left a message for earlier.. I call back, straight to voice-mail... They will figure it out. The rest of the brood all are headed back, but from the opposite direction the lone returning child came earlier. Hamburgers are for dinner, get the grill going and table set. It is a dream to have a kitchen like this one, with all the room, tools and accessories necessary to prep a meal without difficulty. Still cooking, but it is a pleasure in surroundings like this. Everyone eats their fill and helps to clean up. The head out different directions, I start the dishwasher that makes not a sound, but still is working. Then head downstairs with my youngest. We set up the entertainment centre downstairs and watch Finding Nemo.. a favourite that graced our shelves at home before the fire..
The rest return and finish watching the movie. I have a couple glasses of gingerale and with little relief to my throat draw a bath. I have brought a mask in a bag (one that smells of chocolate) and I clean my face and decolletage then apply the mask. The mood lighting over the tub is set with a dimmer and I climb into the bath and light the candles at my feet. It is so nice to disappear in the bubbles when the jets are turned on. I kill the noise when I can no longer see the candles at the base of the tub. Lay back and relax in the silence and the serenity of the calm lighting. After soaking for about half an hour or more I rinse the chocolate off my face and neck and climb out of the tub. The water is still warm and as such I offer it up to my daughter and granddaughter. They climb in and enjoy what I had never experienced at that stage of my life.
Being here, I feel privileged to experience this, but a little sad that I have never been able to provide my family with a home such as this one.

I read a little more and head off to bed. There is a train in the distance, but for once, it isn't headed at me.. It is a train, but it is headed to points unknown with goods for someone somewhere else.

Day one of the Gifted Trip

2010-07-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

July 1st, 2010

Canada Day, a national holiday, but also my mother's birthday. We, the children and my small dog, are all away for a week. The silent auction I was part of for a fund-raising event for my children's school resulted in this nice surprise. We originally were bidding on it at the auction, but a miss communication resulted in us not getting the winning bid. How did we get here? Well, the people with the winning bid did not recognize that there was a date time-line on the availability of the home. When I heard of this I mentioned that if they could not make things work out I would be interested. Well that was the first week in May. Late last week (June 24th ish) I found out that they had applied the amount to my credit card and the time was mine from June 30th, July July 7th... Well, I told work, mentioned it to family and friends... and here we are. The drive is about 3 hours west of Calgary through some of the most beautiful land in the world. There are turquoise/green lakes, light blue streams, green hills, deep grey mountains and wild life to be enjoyed.

Just before arriving to Radium Hot Springs there were a couple of mountain sheep with two young ones... they were so lovely.. further up the grass slope were more older members of the herd. We saw many deer, bald eagles and hawks. It was a lovely drive with one stop to nurse the babe, walk the dog, get some pictures of the children, landscape and flowers. Perhaps skip a rock or two. Then we followed the directions provided to me to get to the house. There were some pictures of the place at the auction, but it didn't begin to do justice to this house. We arrived at the two houses by themselves, the closest one to the lake... Couldn't be right... drove a little farther down... yes that was it! No way! Stop in front take the key to the house. It was not unlike those people that win keys for cars, but only one has the actual ability to open it. You hope, maybe pray, but could it really be so?? Well, I inserted the key, it turned and the door opened.... OH NO!! what is the code for the alarm?? Entered it wrong... try again... no wait... that isn't right... finally a green light and the alarm is off. I turn around and cannot get over what is around me. A lovely wood staircase leading up... an-oh-so-soft off white carpet, amazing sectional and a huge flat screen TV (plasma? LCD? Don't know... don't really care) The stairs are calling, no wait.. that is the kids in the vehicle. “Yes!!! This is the right place!! Can you believe it?? “ Bring the stuff in and then we will go and get some dinner.. I head up the stairs to the most amazing kitchen I have ever saw. The Island is as long as my living-room at home. The back-splash is a lovely black with gold toned glass block. The granite counter tops have flecks of gold in it two.. there are two sinks, and all that you can imagine that should be in a kitchen is. The corner pantry lights up when you walk into it. The stainless steel appliances actually are stainless steel. I turn around and a beautiful fireplace commands the focus of the sitting area and the centre of the space. The dining area is centred under a simple chandelier and seats eight comfortably. There is lots of windows and the view from the entire room is the lake with mountains in behind.

I venture down the hallway. Full bath to the left. Linen closet dead ahead. Veer slightly right and the next door reveals a large TV with a game system of some sort and a leather couch. I close the door. Dead ahead the next door reveals not a master bedroom, but a master suite. A private balcony, floot to ceiling windows a high bed with lovely rich brown duvet and the pillows on it are brown, green and a touch of turquoise. To the left there is an amazing chaise lounge facing the view of the lake out the window. To the right of it is a chest of draws about the height of the chaise and on it is a hardcover book. Looks very inviting. One closed door reveals a walk in closet the size of one of the bedrooms at home. The next, a double sink (same granite as the kitchen) a huge Jacuzzi tub that is below a large window with brown wooden blinds, a double headed shower with glass enclosure. A dressing bench (again the granite) a bunch of drawers on either side. The toilet is tucked behind a wall below a window. Between the looking glass and the granite is an amazing stone border that I find it hard to describe. It is like an animal print in stone.. it compliments the slate floor, granite counter-top, stone coloured tiles and the green walls of the room. If I had to pick two words to describe this part of the house (the part I have seen) it would be Warm Earth. Deep reds, greens, sandstone and rich woods. Attention to details, not one has been missed.

We unpack the SUV, fill the fridge and head out to dinner. It was a nice meal at a family restaurant. I call my G to tell him that we have arrived safely (he is headed up north for a job) With any luck he will be able to attend at the end of the weekend and come enjoy this place with us. Next call is the dog walker. He will be picking up my big dog (the one that holds my heart... and some-days, my soul... or so it would seem). Two young family friends are taking care of the home, the cats and ensuring my big dog gets fed, watered and no too lonely.

We explore the downstairs when we return. The three car garage houses a ping pong table (with lovely carpets at either end, so standing on the concrete isn't so hard). Lots of water toys, and two kayaks. (all of which we have permission to use) two doors in, one to the main entrance and the second to a laundry room that almost makes me want to do laundry. Out the door and down the hall, utility room to the right (turn on the H2O tank). Storage to the left (under the stairs). Again another full bath to the right. Straight ahead is a good sized bedroom with bunks (double under single over). Next door to that is a good sized bedroom with black duvet and furniture. Walk past the large screen TV (the one I saw when I first came in) and there is another bedroom with a big window (again the wooden blinds). Nice big bed with duvet cover and large closet. Back out the door and I notice a fireplace that I am not sure how I missed it. It is again the lovely stone to the roof. Two angels posted on the wooden mantel. Immediately to the right of them and the tile floor takes me back to the front door and base of the staircase.

The children pick rooms (the young two share the room with the bunk beds) The young family takes the room with the large window. Everyone is so excited about the space and the room. My oldest turns to me and says... “Boy did you ever get a deal!” She is so right. The cost alone was a deal, but the ability to just take a holiday when it is presented to me... it was very much needed and dropped down right in front of me. As I snuggle into the bed, my little dog in his bed below, I thank God for all I have and thank him again for all I do not. As I nestle in I hear the sound of fireworks in the distance, open my eyes and can see the light in the room. Even though fireworks are one of my most favorite things, I am content where I am in the moment, close my eyes and drift of to a contented sleep.

Day two

2010-06-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day. Well, maybe not all of it, but more of it was good than was bad. The evening was attending a concert that was full of music that was good for the soul. Joe Cocker was the opening act. It was glorious and his voice is still amazing.. He did a song that was played at my Uncle's funeral... Up Where We Belong

To listen to Joe Cocker's Up Where We Belong

It was tearful at first, but glorious to be in a place with so many people enjoying something so lovely. It brought me peace, it brought me to a smiling place and it brought me joy. He is gone, but not forgotten... what more can any of us hope for in life than that? After all, we get by with a little help from our friends....

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were the next act. They were weird, wonderful and amazingly therapeutic. I needed a night of music, dancing, just being happy with the here, the now and the me I am in that moment. Our tickets were on the floor, so nobody asking me to please sit this time round.. I danced, sang, whistled, smiled, screamed, sang and danced some more. It was great... truly. While things seem strained in many parts of life, they seem to be on the mend and it feels good. Time to get back to running down a dream.. ;o)

Today was another good day. Productive at the office, a nice change for sure. My man came and took me out for lunch. It was nice. A little more work, then home to pick up all the children to go and see my Papa. He is recovering nicely from surgery and looks great. He was so pleased to see the children. It was so good to see him smile. It is good to have been granted some more time with him here on Earth. God is good.

Then from the hospital, a quick bite before we headed to take the Grand-baby to get her first immunization. Do we know how very lucky we are to have the health care system we have? No it isn't perfect (nothing that is run, designed, maintained and served by people can be), but is has saved many that I love and care for. Not only did it give me the chance to have more time with my Papa, it helped safely deliver my daughter's baby girl. Through Gods hands we have some amazing miracles delivered everyday.
Tom Petty reminded me, when you are learning to fly, when you ain't got wings...
To Listen to Learning to Fly by Tom Petty
I am not going to just fall in controlled motion, but remember that I need to learn to fly again.. Day two was good.. looking forward to the next days to come

Oh to be able to see clearly..

2010-06-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ever get to the point where you wonder what to do? Not, "Should I: read, write, eat, sleep, walk, learn..." Instead, more along the lines of, "where is this all headed? Whom should I serve? Why is it everyone needs of me all at the same time and whom should I care for?"

Ever feel like you are being pulled a million directions... all at the same time and not two people are pulling you in the same direction??

What about those whom you hope will act and don't so you find that you must step up to the plate. Why is that plate always mine??? Over flowing so that every little thing on it is rotten and only the good stuff falls off??

What did I ever do to get to where I am today and how the hell am I ever going to get out of it??

Why is it that every step I take forward turns out to be in the wrong direction??

What is it that causes me to do the wrong thing, or the right thing for the wrong person??

Why is it when I try to do good for one, it ends up being viewed as the bad for everyone else? I wonder if I really am a bad person at the core and that is why everything I touch these days turns to dust or anger...

Work... isn't enough to get things done. Have to fix and justify, hold and repair.

Family is crumbling and I don't seem to be capable of fixing, restoring, or resolving anything. Let those most important down... don't support, don't do enough and am not even close to being a provider.

Relation, well if I am not enough for anyone else, never mind myself... how the hell do I have anything left over for anyone else?

Pets, not able to even remember to bring home food for them... never in my entire life have I run out of food for all the animals. Not even close to normal. Typically there is extra and I still buy more.

House, never been a stellar house keeper, but there is so much to do... add in packing and well, you can imagine where it is...

Charity, nope haven't been attending that either... Even though it feeds me, no time, too much going on.

Faith, well that is still present and strong. It has been questioned by many of late... pushed, told I was wrong and made to really look at it. I still get to church every Sunday, but it doesn't seem that I am as attentive as I should be.

Hope... well, I hoped things will get better. Didn't work. Hoped things will stabilize, no go there either. So hope has been replaced with more prayers. Prayers that I will be able to do what needs to be done. Pray to see and identify what needs to be done. Pray that I will have the drive to do what needs to be done. Pray that I am worthy of what needs to be done.

How do you move forward when you feel everything you do results in more pain, anger and frustration? How do you move forward when you don't know which way is up?

Pain, anger, agony, defeat, frustration, fear, weeping, lack of focus. How do you see where you are going when you cannot envision anything?? There are no corrective lenses for this, no refractive surgery to resolve the obscured vision. Only blindness...

My Old Friend

2010-06-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended my uncle's memorial service. The house was packed and the attendants overflowed the place. There were people there that he went to school with, both high school and post secondary. There were neighbours, both past and present. There were colleagues from each place he worked. There were people he met in different places. There were friends of his son. Children he coached hockey. People he played hockey with. People he played ball with and broom ball and golf and any other sport you can think of. The family were there, brothers, a sister, wife, son, nieces, nephews, great nieces and one great great niece (my granddaughter). The service was full of laughter (he would have wanted that) and lots of tears. Tears that are for those of us here, not him, but us. Our pain, our suffering and our loss.
Dealing with death, you would think at this point in my life (given how many times I have dealt with it) should be understood. Yet, I don't understand. I hurt. I cry. I think. I cry. I sit alone and I cry. In a room full of people, I cry. I listen to music and I cry. Even when I am sleeping, I am crying and mourning. I have lost many over the years, but this uncle was so important to me. He was my friend. A confidant. Someone who would allow me to come and spend time there. Live with him. Hide and be safe with him. Protect me from people, things and even give a place for my cat to be after a fire destroyed his childhood home. He always had a joke or story to share. He was the best giver of hugs. He cried, tears of laughter, joy, sorrow. He genuinely cared about people and I loved him. He took me on trips as a young child with his high school friends... and later with his friends from SAIT. Camping, trips for ball tournaments. He could sing and play guitar... both better than he thought he could. He would dance, at weddings, and parties, in joy and teasing. Children flocked to him, a child at heart. He knew how to have fun... Now the parties are over, the people gone home, the ball field is quiet, the rinks dark, the tents packed up and the guitars sit quietly untouched. There is quiet discontent. The memories are solid, but there was ideas that there were still more to be made. I cherish the ones I have, yet long for more. In time it will be more bearable, my heart less empty and the loss less fresh. For now I pray, hope and pray some more that the emptiness left behind will be filled with the joy and love I have for him. That the pleasures and happiness that surround me will help pull the feet back to the ground.... that my life can be as significant to the ones I meet as his life was to all of us left here... behind.

to listen to Johnny Reid's My Old Friend

The snow is falling again... must be frozen tears from heaven

2010-05-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

The weather here is bleak and grim. The snow has been falling for a little over a day now. The lack of sun and cold matches the way I am feeling right now. The tears that have been falling for way too long now have seemed to grown so cold. The funeral is on Monday. How do you attend to a funeral when you can't believe the person that it is for is dead? How is it possible that one whom was so young is gone when there are so many others that have been so very ill for so long are still among us? How do you move on when all you can think about is, if he went so soon what about others? I know that death is only the end for us here on earth, but it certainly isn't easy to say good-bye.
Love you seems hardly adequate. Words don't seem to ease the pain. The things that might ease the pain are not options to consider. Dealing with the emotions and moving through them is something I learned at age seven when Daddy left this world... It isn't easy, but necessary to be able to move on. Focus on those left behind is the way to go, but my heart hurts... aches and on so many levels seems to break. You and your friends were so very much a part of my life for every summer and holiday. They took me places, treated me well and loved me.. I loved them all, I love you and will miss the conversations... miss the hugs... miss the "dumb shit" when my decisions were not stellar. Miss you Moose, more than words can say. Monday is going to be a very difficult day.

please, no more for now... I don't think I can handle any more right now

2010-05-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

The phone is fast becoming an enemy of mine. Instead of calls for making plans and sharing good it has become the bearer of bad news. Life has this uncanny ability sometimes to not only hit you while you are down, but run you right over and hit reverse...
The funeral for a beloved uncle on Monday. The call came in today that my G's Grandpa was diagnosed with terminal cancer (not sure what type) and there are no real treatment options, just comfort measures from here on in. We buried his wife in the first part of March. My Grama in February. My uncle will be on Monday. Add to this that one of the cousins is in the hospital right now with heart problems (he is less than 45). I have tried to be strong over the years. My life has called for it to be so, but this is more than I can bear right now. Part of me wants to climb into bed and just stay there, the other part of me wants to fight, but the biggest part of me is simply overwhelmed and unsure how much one can expect to be able to handle??
Saturday night I will be at the church hall for a celebration of our priest's 17th anniversary of his ordination. I look forward to that. Positive people will be there. Positive thoughts are what I need right now. Going to go and see about a comedy and a bowl of popcorn for right now. If not currently able to deal with the reality of life, I will simply leave it for a little while.
For years I have prayed for so many different things. Right now I am just praying to be strong enough for those that truly need me with a little left over to handle things myself.
Hail Mary....

So many people, yet still so alone?

2010-05-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

It is hard to see people you love and care for so deeply hurt. Death is final, more so than anything in life... death is final for those left here on earth. When the last breath is taken, the last bit of air leaves the lungs for the final time and the soul that has been burdened by the body that it is held to is finally free. The pain is over for the one that has passed, but the pain is just starting for those that are left to grieve.

Everyone deals with loss differently. Some cry, some don't. Some eat, others won't. Some seek comfort in masses, others want to be alone. Some want to go through pictures and laugh. Others want to turn off the lights and cry in the darkness. There is no right or wrong in the way you grieve. Whatever you do, what ever you feel it is right for you. It might be going to a church that you attend forever. It might be attending a church that you haven't been to forever. You may get angry at God and question your faith. You may lose whatever faith you might of had. You may start a search for something and not even know that is the case. Regardless, you have to find the path that you need to move forward. Unfortunately the world continues to spin (or it might seem unfortunate) and continues on with day and night, day and night. Time marches forwards, never ceasing. As long as we continue to live it is okay. Once we die, that is okay too... for us, but there are always those that will be left behind to grieve. Grieving is hard, up and down, full and empty, angry and sad, laughter and tears, and the stark realization that you will never see the person again in your waking hours. You may dream of them, but they will not walk again this way.

Music, what would we do without it? How would life be without music and dancing? Both are good for the soul. Yet, tell me, how do you dance when you have lost your partner? The room may be full, but the one you seek is gone. The company will go home. The extended family will give you your space and before you know it, when you need them most they will all be gone. Rest in Peace dear soul. God help heal the ones left here below.

Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum.Benedicta tu in mulieribus,et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.Sancta Maria, Mater Dei,ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc,et in hora mortis nostrae.Amen.

Thank you

2010-05-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

The morning yesterday was a very difficult one. When I went to be I put the humidifier on to provide white noise to facilitate sleep. I was awoken just before 7am by my daughter the message was, "Grama has been trying to call for hours." This is never a good thing. The trip to the phone was full of anxiety and fear, what happen? who died? and so many other things. My fears were confirmed. My youngest uncle (only 13 years my senior) had died that morning. It was not sinking in.. He had made a decision to go and get better. How can you go for help and end up losing your life? How does one pass away when there are children who love and need you?

So much pain. Arthritis, bad knees, and general sorrow for not being able to get a job after 30 years working in the IT industry. So sad. Loss of his mom on February 12th, 2010 was so much to bare. Mother's day was a very difficult one. Loss. Its hard to believe or understand that one so young, whom loved others so very deeply is gone so soon. Music. It was always your balm. Turn on the music and immerse yourself in it. Let it wash away the pain and engulf your soul. You always played for me. From the time I can remember as a small child you would sing. Stairway to Heaven. The Who. Led Zeppelin. Old Hymns that Grama would sing. The Animal Fair... Didn't like your voice, but to others it was lovely.
You shared this with me shortly after Grama died.. appropriate somehow,

Thank You
by
Johnny Reid
"If I only had two words left to say to you.
With my last breath I’d confess the truth to you.
You’ve never left my side.
Even when I fell behind.
Thank you.
Thank you
For sharing all your love and all your dreams.
Thank you for every tear of happiness I’ve cried.
Thank you.
For laying down beside me here tonight.
When I close my eyes I say a prayer for one more day with you.
And when I wake, I embrace, the one who pulls me through; who pulls me through the storm when I can’t go on.
Thank you. Thank you for the life you’ve given me.
Thank you for sharing all your love and all your dreams.
Thank you for every tear of happiness I’ve cried.
Thank you for laying down beside me here tonight.
You’ve never let me down. It’s like you don’t know how. Thank you. Thank you for the life you’ve given me.
For sharing all the love and all your dreams.
Thank you.
Thank you."

Travel, take those whom wouldn't be able to go otherwise. Share your experiences. My daughter to Disneyland, then Mexico twice. My oldest son to Mexico and Disneyworld. Many friends to warm places. Enjoy life, almost like you knew.... somewhere... deep down...

Your wife, so much to bare for her. Thirty two years of marriage and all the time before that to be alone in her thoughts. Alone to finish raising your son. To go to bed alone...

Your son will do your eulogy... a piece of you telling your life story. A part of you to live on and be balm for those left behind.. His music, a gift from you to all. Balm for him and others left behind. A garage that was turned to a place for them to be.. a heaven on earth for those left behind.

Watch over us, and know that while you may not have been the happiest in the end, we all love you. You brought us joy. You eased our pain. Your hugs were those that engulfed and eased. Your sense of humour will be sadly missed. Moose, Pig-Dog, making you weak. It all will bring laughter to us through the tears that blur the screen. Memories of happier times.

Sing, Dance, give big hugs to all those that are gone. Grama, Grampa, Daddy, Uncles and Aunts, and so many others that will rejoice in your coming. While those here grieve and wonder when we will see you again. Know that you were loved, by so very many and left us far too soon.

and the clock ticks on

2010-05-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

No matter where we are, what we are doing or whom we are with, time moves on. Sometimes it seems minutes move at the pace of an hour... like when your child is ill. Hours can pass in seconds when with someone you love or admire. Time can seem to stand perfectly still when watching a child do something for the first time. No matter what our perspective, time moves on. You can't buy it back, return or exchange it and it isn't abnormal to want more time (on a test, with someone who has passed away, or when children seem to be growing up faster than we want them to) Time never ends... but changes. That time has come for me.

The time of living in this home is drawing to a close... the friends the children have in the neighborhood will no longer be just up or down the street. the wonderful friends I have will not be a short drive, a quick walk, or just next door. The house of faith that found me will no longer be six short blocks away. The memories of times in the garden, sweeping the walk as a young child for my grandparents, sitting on the roof of the garage to watch the fireworks, or sitting in the corner on the lap of my Grampa right over there... they will all be just that..... memories. The house that is here will either be moved or destroyed to make way for the tall skinny houses that are replacing each family home in twos or threes. It is a real of case of, you can never go home again. It is terribly sad to know that a very large chunk of who I am and where I come from will be very much a room in my mind that will be the only way to visit.

Next week we, my G and I, will be attending to see about another option. Being in front of a panel of people scares me a little, but not as much as many other things in life.

I visited some good friends tonight. It is good to spend time with them. Scary to see things they are facing and knowing that both of them are moving too. The school that our children all attend together is going to be very different. It without three children from that one class. A class they have all attended in the past five years, half of their lives.. the ones that are to be left behind are the ones that seem to be having the hardest time with it. Yet, somehow it is them that I envy a little. There is part of me that really wanted to be settled for at least the youngest to attend school all the way through with the same friends from the same neighborhood. Instead, I will be moving him to another place. I was always the new kid, different school, different teachers, different rules and expectations (from the children and the teachers). It taught me to survive and on some levels taught me to be a bit of a bully as a child... I have out grown the bully, but really admire people whom have friends still from their childhood. I have many good friends, but no lifelong, from elementary school friends... Wasn't possible. By the time I was in grade five I had attended five different schools. I was a little jaded about the entire process and a little reserved about putting myself out there. If you don't make connections, you don't get hurt too much when you have to move again. I did attend grade five through grade twelve with a bunch, but don't have much in common with any of them... think I have one phone number for one of them... that's it. The only real friend that was always there when I needed someone was here, living in this house...
I know I will move on and make new friends, build more bonds, learn new things, but the ones I have here are going to be very hard to stretch. Have to start de-cluttering, purging, packing, cleaning, forwarding mail, figuring out options and just MOVE ON.. Somehow, I just want to crawl up into that lap, cry on his knee and have him tell me it is all going to be okay. I moved back here to be with her, care for her and keep a promise. She's been gone almost five months and still she is taking care of me... I guess that is the root of this entire thing, I am not just leaving a house.. I am leaving my Grandparents home... only this time, there will be no coming back. Not for a summer vacation. Not for a sleep over. Not for a family dinner. Not for tea. Not to visit and hear stories. Not to be sure they are okay. Not for a break from the world. Not to get ready to go camping. It will be an end of an era and a final good-bye.
Must head to bed and pray. Pray that when I get to where I am supposed to be for the next chunk of time I can create a place that my children and grandchildren will miss as much as I will miss this place they created with love for me and the rest of the family. Hope that I have what it takes to be able to do for mine, what was done for me.

just any other day

2010-05-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

It's kind of sad how we have allowed hallmark holidays to affect how we think, behave and feel. Tell me how going out and spending money proves that you love someone (or on the flip side failing to do so shows you don't)

I have been working very hard of late both working and volunteering. Gala event to raise funds for the school (chair of auction and acquisitions) has eaten up lots of time. Funny thing is, when I signed up for the event I didn't know that chances are my boys are not going to attend the school next year. I have been taking lots of flack about it. It is the only volunteering I have been doing for a while. While it has taken considerable amounts of my time, I am a firm believer that if you agree to a job (paid or not) you stick to it until it is done. How do you teach your children commitment, and accountability if you dump everything you do just because it isn't for you or yours anymore? It is done now (minus a little paperwork) and I am glad that everyone had such a great time. My lovely neighbour, whom is also one of my best friends came and helped out. Not only does she not have children in the school, she isn't even of the same faith. The only thing she had in common with it, was me. I tell you, when it comes to friends, while I haven't had many, but the ones I do are the best a person could hope or pray for. When people come and help out, just to help me, it makes me a little uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Both her and my G were there all day helping with the set up and then attending the evening too. It was pretty amazing all told. I am most grateful for them both. There were other too, who went above and beyond... for them all I am thankful.

I must admit, I was very tired and had a hard time focusing at church today. I was first read and was not impressed with my reading today. God knows where my head was, and with a little prayer he will put it back to where it should be. After Mass they had a mother's day appreciation pancake breakfast. It was good, the company was great and it was a wonderful to have a meal done that I didn't have to worry about cost, dishes or anything else.

When I returned home I really was exhausted. The lack of sleep and absence of stress took me to the edge. I didn't plan any dinner as I expected the children to have something planned. Went and picked a couple things up and grabbed a couple movies... my intention to sit back with the children and just be. Instead I fell asleep part way into the first one. When I woke up the baby was crying and the boys were nowhere to be seen. My daughter and son-in-law were trying to get her (my grand-daughter) ready to go for a walk. I asked after the boys, and the response was that they were out playing as they were being too noisy. I could hear voices from somewhere, but they seemed so distant. They took a while and as they were getting the stuff together mentioned that they could pick up something at the local store and start dinner... it was 7:15pm. I was miffed... I should not have been, but I was. After all it was Mother's Day.. I thought I was a good Mom and felt that there was no attempt to even think about something... anything. looking back, I am ashamed.. I let a hallmark holiday set me up for failure. Tired, over worked, under appreciated and feeling rather sorry for myself. My own damn fault.. instead I made mention to my daughter that things around here need to change. I need more help, more people need to pitch in here. There are three adults, but not the effort of three helping out. While I respect that looking after a baby is hard work and tiring, I try to help out where I can. My oldest boy turned out to be the voice I heard in the distance.. talking on the phone to some girl. If he is home these days he is either sleeping, eating, in front of the TV or on the phone. Any questions bring dismissal or frustration. Not much for respect from that neck of the woods either. Mind you what the hell should I expect from a near fourteen year old boy??

Mother's Day is over and I am feeling tired, drained, hurt and angry with myself for all these emotions. My youngest made me a beautiful card (a cross with a rose bush growing over it, all bathed in light from above) two poems, and a framed watercolor he did. He also made me a cup of tea, gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he loved me. I guess when the smallest treats me so well, I should not let that hold any weight over or judge the others. He is young, kind and loving.. he is young enough to still have me as the centre of his world. That will change... and soon. With any luck, next year I will be more rested/solid to be able to be happy with whom I am and not need any outside validation.

So as I close I will head to be with my most loyal companion.. a husky that loves and protects me. Whose presence is balm, coat is soft and gentle leaning in while getting attention is all I really need to know that I am respected and loved. The canine way of doing things suits me just fine... Loyalty, share the den, play hard and then cuddle. What more could an Alpha want from her pack?

Tiny little feet.

2010-04-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

Easter has come and went. Palm Sunday was a lovely service (I was S2 reader, boys alter servers), I love Easter... it is a time for rebirth from so many different things.. Leaving Lent and the journey that goes with it. Going from reflection, self denial and soul searching. To life, rebirth, celebrations and eating good food. Holy Thursday, due to a lack of volunteers I had my feet washed by the Priest (the boys were servers) Good Friday we usually go and do the Way of the Cross with St Mary's downtown. The weather was beautiful, but both myself and my youngest were not feeling really well, and instead opt to stay in bed a little longer. At 3pm, we attended the Good Friday service... (I was S1 reader, boys alter servers). It being a day of fasting (age of obligation being 14-60), we came home, the boys ate (no meat) and then we returned to church to the stations of the Cross.. It was Saint Faustina's Way of the Cross

Saturday morning we slept well. My youngest and I did a little shopping that I had not completed earlier in the week. We then attended the Easter Vigil. It is the most important Mass of the entire liturgical year. It is also the anniversary of my family being baptized into the Catholic Church. The boys were alter servers, I read the 5th reading. For those of you that are not familiar with this service, it starts in the dark. There is a fire lit and it is blessed. The new candle for the year is blessed, marked and started with the flame of the blessed fire. The flame is then used to light the rest of the candles that the congregation have and the first part of the service is hosted by candle light. It is a lovely and moving service. I find myself going through a range of emotions, sadness, sorrow and joy. Alleluia... before I left for the service my daughter was having steady contractions.. I thought she might have an Easter Baby... but no go.

Monday I worked from home. Tuesday I went into work as it was time to empty the office to get ready for the new setup. It is exciting and overwhelming all at once. As soon as everything was moved I set up in the shipping receiving area to do some paperwork. My cell rang and it was my daughter, she was having contractions 10 minutes apart. I was ready to pack up an go home, but she told me she would call when she was ready.. the phone rang a few minutes later and she was ready to go.

We attended the hospital (FMC). It was a long time, nasty clerks at the front, but other than that the nursing care in the Triage area and the Labour and Delivery were AMAZING. They were supportive, informative, positive advocates for my daughter. The residents were great and the OB attended in time for the delivery. The little girl was born at 2:12am Thursday, April 8th, weighing 7lbs 14oz and 20.5" long.

There are things that everyone in life needs to experience, the birth of a child would definitely be one of them. Nothing to make you feel so many emotions at the same time like the birth of a child. She is beautiful and just the way she was meant to be.

The postpartum unit was grossly over run. Every room was full and they were short of staff. While I understand how taxing it is to be understaffed, there are things that need to be addressed. Pain control, mobility, hygene, elimination and teaching. These are the basics of most any unit in any hospital. The first nurse she had on the postpartum unit was greatly lacking in confidence, organization skills and it appears knowledge base. When you are assigned to two patients in the same room, you make sure when you come into the room you have everything you need for the beginning of the day. Towels, new gowns, face clothes and basic essentials for Hygiene. That way, when the time comes at any point in the day you are not wasting time running for something that should already be in the room. Do your assessment of both patients in the room, what is their pain level? When was the last time they went to the bathroom? Any pressing questions that need to be answered right now? (make notes if you don't have the time to do complete charting). Ensure that the bedside tables have room on them for the breakfast trays that will be coming shortly. Look at the patients and see how they are set up.. Can they get to the bathroom on their own? If not, what needs to be done to get them there? Check on the babes in the room and see how they are progressing. What was the last entry for a feed? Elimination? Any questions on the charting? Now, leave the room, get the pain meds and return. Take care of any quick things that need to be done right away and then head to your next room with the other two patients and do the same thing. By the time noon rolls around, you should have all your assessments done and at least half of your patients showered. When it comes to nursing care there are a few things that are needed: organization, critical thinking, knowledge base to be able to support the critical thinking, assertiveness to ensure that the patients best interests are put forth (advocacy), ability to deal with stress, prioritization, and the ability to stay focused. When the unit is really busy and short staffed, then the need to prioritize is key..

One challenge while being in the hospital is dealing with a room mate. On postpartum this can be ever more challenging, as the patient is sleep deprived, the emotions are high, the body is full of lactic acid as labour is like running a marathon, add into this the idea that the hormone levels are at their lowest since hitting puberty, and the family members at the bedside add to the noise levels. There are rules about visitors on units like these. They are there to protect the patient, ensure that the babies and moms are safe, and also to ensure that for the short period of time they are there they get as much rest and teaching as they possibly can. It is very frustrating that there are so many out there that think the rules do not apply to them. Visiting hours are over at 9pm, GO HOME!! If you are in a private room that is one thing, but when you are sharing, GO HOME!! Your presence is neither appreciated or welcome. The noise you make disturbs others. The level of selfishness runs so very high it is annoying! The rules are there and it is damn time that they are enforced. If the nurses are not comfortable telling someone to leave, then have security enforce the rules, that is their role.

Anyways, we returned home. Settled in and I bounced calls to come and visit. When the mom is ready for visitors she will tell you. Don't call and text every five minutes. The entire household is tired and if the baby (or sleep deprived mom) is finally asleep a ringing phone may wake them. Give them their space! Let them get settled, and confident in their roles. If you are ill (or think you might be) stay home, the baby and the mom are susceptible in the early weeks. Immunity and some viruses can seriously compromise the health of a young infant. Cold sore?? Stay away, herpes simplex (that causes the cold sore) can cause blindness in infants. Wash your hands! Don't kiss their faces (kiss their feet if you must kiss them) and respect the parents about how they feel about visitors and others handling their infant.

While holding the little one, I noticed her wringing her hands.. I know it is a bit of a stretch, but it was a motion my Grama made all the time. She was so very important to me in life, not unlike this little one already is. I don't know if it something I noticed and hoped for. Or if it is a sign that my Grama who left us not so very long ago is watching over this little infant now. I know she would have loved to sit and rock her and sing to her. So I have started that tradition already. I have sang to her, dashing away with the smoothing iron. While I was singing it I swear I was looking through the eyes of an infant and a little lady in a chemise ironing in the kitchen. It was like I was a baby once again in a jolly jumper listening to Grama sing to me. Circle of life, maybe... continuance of a legacy.. ABSOLUTELY.

I always thought as Alpha Female I was protective of my children. Now, that I am a Gramabear, watch out.. I am now not only protecting my child, but my grandchild. Everyone knows what they say about bears and their cubs!! Heed the warning and don't test her...

Oh, and a picture to share, who can resist baby feet??

Communications resolution attempt number 4??

2010-03-20T17:51:00.001-07:00

Day three

I had full intentions of writing again last night.... instead, I slept. The alarm went off again at 6.30am this morning. Big deal right? Well.....

It was well after midnight when I went to bed and my head was so full of work, I don't even think I dreamed. Last night before supper I went and bought a towel, $9.00 and it may possibly be one of the best purchases I have ever made. Dinner was very good, rice, beans almondine, and chicken breast with a mushroom sauce to die for... Sadly, I didn't remember it was a Friday during lent, so I ate chicken at lunch and dinner... After dinner I took my new towel and had a lovely shower. Okay, as lovely as a shower can be in a three foot square box with water that smells a little off, but it was so nice to get clean. Being on a mine-site everything gets covered in a fine dust. Also, spending a great deal of the day at the mill building I smelled like chemicals. So to get clean, put on clean clothes and put on nice smelling lotion was a real touch of heaven. Then it was back to work..

Put out the necessary emails and wait for someone to do something. I made some phone calls and the quality was so poor a tin can and a run of string would have given better reception. The out going voice was good, but the incoming was damn near impossible.. so yet another change applied to the router. Then it was make some test calls, well no waiting this time.. the quality was no better than it was before. Many more emails written, only a few sent as I wanted to rally the troupes, not piss them off.

So I am up, cleaned (no shower, but washed) and dressed in the clean clothes from the night before. Head to breakfast and after toast, a kiwi and a glass of milk back to work. It is about 7:30 and it is Saturday morning... no-one is up, but I go and check the emails anyways. Doing a little more paperwork and the medic comes in... The phones are down up at the other end of the wireless shot. So I call the head Cisco guy and wake him up. I apologize for doing so, but only because I know what it is like to be in his shoes and the gesture is nice... He looks makes a few changes and lets me know it is working. I call, no answer. Ask one of the men here to take me up... One apologizes, but his truck is full. I tell him no worries, but he tells me he will be back... but he can't wait around for me (miners are so funny, they put forth this macho persona, but most of them are really kind and sweet). I tell him I will be ready. Pack up all my stuff, put on my coat and wait...

He drives me up above the open pit and drops me where I need to go to test the phones. I walk in, ask the girl to make a call and she does a three digit dial... it works (so both issues have been resolved, the calling and the three digit that they were not able to do the day before). My ride is gone... no worries, she drives me to the mill for my next check on things. No one I want to talk to or check on is around.. so I make my rounds and confirm the changes requested yesterday are done and everything that was working before the changes is still working.Back to the main building and check emails. A new ios is going to be applied to the router. Sounds like a great idea, but it is a rollback, and those often don't go well. I let everyone know that this is going to happen so they can be prepared to be without phone. Then I head into the medic office to check on his Iridium phone and discuss it. Catch the next miner that is coming through and he gives me a ride back to the main part of camp.

Okay, so you all know, I am not lazy, but the mine is over 15km from one end to another. There are BIG dump trucks, heavy equipment, and not lots of visibility... walking is not an option. Especially in the CSA steal toed boots they gave me on the first day. So I hitch a ride whenever I can.

I wait and do logistics and troubleshoot things I can via email and wait. I do some training with my G who has lots more experience than me with these things in the field... I am ready and have said more than one prayer to let this be the resolution to the issue. Well the time comes, 45 minutes later than scheduled and the change is pushed (first the router, then the modem) I am worried that if it doesn't come back online I will have to do things that I am not really qualified, but prepared to do if I have to. Everything goes offline... and within less than five minutes it comes back online. Test calls and the quality is better than my home phone service. More test calls and there is no more latency (delay).. I call more people.. no problems. We now stand at the fifth hour and voice is working like a dream. I have done some site to site calls with the double satellite hop and the voice is still crystal clear.. very little latency. However, the wireless shot the phones are not working, so I have a call in to have the Cisco guy look at that (I suspect the IP change was not applied to that router)

For now I wait and see when I can get off site.. and if I will make it on time to be a chaperon for band-camp with my older boy. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers until I get home safely.

Communications Breakdown

2010-03-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

Working in the communications industry you would think that people would know how to communicate. However, not unlike the mental health industry, (many whom work in mental health go in to resolve their own issues with mental health) the communication is sadly lacking. Today I had a very long and taxing day. I was up early to get ready for a charter... then I was awaiting the ride to take me to the charter, only to find that I was an hour ahead of myself... my cell time was off as was the clock in my hotel room. Oh well, at least I could connect via the wireless at the hotel lobby and get some work done... wrong, it was flaky (as kind a word as I can give it) and wasn't up to letting me work online... The hotel staff were most friendly about it, and given I work in the industry, understand how difficult it can be to provide wireless access to a great number of people on a small available pipe. My ride came and took me to the charter.. a lovely young man who helped me with my bags.. I signed in and we were off.. Just me and the pilot in a ten seater Cessna, I was invited to ride in the front seat next to the pilot. I thought with a plane like that we would have some cargo, or other riders, but there was just me.... I know that there were other staff staying in the hotel, but that wasn't my concern.

What beauty to behold up in the Yukon territory... I do love the north, but seeing this land that is mostly untouched is.... well.... touching, breathtaking, humbling and many other words that cannot begin to do it justice. The glacial waters are frozen a beautiful aqua color that even from 8500 feet will take your breath away. The trees are plenty, but stunted by the cold and short growing season. There are tracks of every kind all over. The multitude of lakes, rivers, streams are separated by old mountains that are like small versions of the foothills near Calgary. It truly is a thing of wonder. The sky was a beautiful blue that defies description and the wisp of clouds looked more painted than real... can something real be that perfect?? After about 50 minutes in the air (only a couple of very small bumps) the pilot (Wolf was his name... how fitting is that??) asked if it was okay if we circled around the site before landing... We did and landed on an airstrip above the mine itself. When I crawled out of the plane (a bit of an acrobatic wonder, if you don't believe, all I can say is until you do it you have no idea) to absolute silence.. no wind, no noise at all... The occasional sound of a raven (not as big as they are in Yellowknife, but larger than down south) and that was it. I took a couple picture of the plane (my camera is acting up and I forgot my phone has a 5.0 mega pixel) and a couple of the surroundings.

The truck came for us and once we arrived to the site I entered the main admin building and checked in. The place where I was being housed (a room in an Atco trailor) still had the original person there and she wasn't quite finished packing. No worries, I dropped my stuff and headed back to the admin building. In came the medic to give me and the fellow that traveled on the same Air North flight from Calgary, but didn't come in on the Cessna, the safety orientation... After a couple hours and a trip to get the necessary safety gear (steal toed boots three sizes too big, and a vest/glasses/hardhat that I already had brought with me) I was allowed to get to work. I attended where I assumed the gear was, as they were the closest to the 2, 2.4m antennas that connect the RF gear with the satellite in the sky (geosynchronous). Opening and closing doors until I found that for which I was searching. I tried to call those that I was supposed to, but after issues with the phones decided I better get going on what I was here to do. I called the tech in Calgary, reviewed a couple things and went and took the router offline. I pulled the two pieces that were required from it and placed them in the new router... There were a couple comments from the miners about girls and tools, until they found out I had a bit of wit and was here to resolve their phone issues... funny how quick witted humour, fast mouth and the ability to do something a man can't will bring instant respect where there wasn't any before.

Everything back where it was supposed to be, no go on the phones. Tried resetting the entire system... still no go on the phones. Checked cables... nope. Brought myself online on the other system and no-one whom could help me was online. My son in law was, it was a thin straw,but one none the less. I had him call my fiance to tell him I was okay... HE was so worried, as he hadn't heard from me... and I felt bad about not being able to get a hold of him earlier... He put me in touch with the tech I needed and worked with me to get some sort of ptp up and running so we could chat through the internet. Once I downloaded and installed the software I needed (the same software I had requested before I left... and was told I shouldn't need it...WRONG) consoled into the router and put in a few lines to enable the tech to have remote access and the damn thing finally came online...

YEAH!! Now test what I have unplugged... no wait, one is at the mill building and I can't walk there, nor do I have access to a truck.. Okay, test what I can, faxes times two... all good. Phones times five... damn are those lines a mess and the guys that were up here last week were supposed to replace the handset cords, as I suspected that they were stretched and causing voice issues.. I was right on both points, but they didn't replace them... nor do I know where any of the ones I sent two weeks ago are. The lines from the wall to three of the phones are soo bad, I can't beleive that they phones work at all. This is basic stuff, but the “engineers” that were here last week didn't do it. Next, send some email updates to those south of 60 to tell them what is going on. Email from the boss, call him only for him to tell my what I am doing is so easy.... BULL, it isn't not even close. He couldn't do it and he is going to be some surprised when he sees my bill. I had some milk and a lemon tart, two bottles of water and went to wash..... guess what I forgot?? Towels!! Damn, well I can use the makeup remover/face-wash clothes to clean my face and spot wash... tomorrow I will search my clothes for the most towel like garment and it will be downgraded to towel. I earned a shower and tomorrow I will awake to one. Speaking of waking, I had better get to sleep so I can awake and think tomorrow.

Life on the road... not so glamorous and damn frustrating. If this keeps up I will have either all grey, or no hair at all.

The times they are a changing

2010-03-13T23:08:00.000-08:00

Two losses in less than three weeks.. both were the matriarchs of their families. The pain and suffering for both of them is over. They walk free, no pain, no suffering, no ties to the bodies that were failing them. The pain is for those that remain behind... it will fade, but never really leave. As long as there are things that we remember about them, times, experiences and memories then they are still with us. The ability to touch, smell, see and feel them is gone, but their presence will be with us forever.

Changes, absolute pursuit of the finalization of my divorce... the time is long past due. He agrees to attend, but "doesn't want to rush" into it... RUSH?? How is dragging it out for over seven years rushing??? He better be prepared, as I will push, shove and do whatever necessary to get this part of my life behind me. I have moved on with my life... on every level and his holding onto the certificate of divorce has come to an end. I raise the children, support them on every level. I take care of whatever needs to be.

I have a wonderful relationship with one who truly loves me, wants to work with me and grow in love, life and time. I have pictured us sitting on a porch swing in our golden years, shortly after I came to the realization that I love him. He loves me.. he respects me and he wants me to do well, wants me to be me and wants more than anything to grow in our love and relationship. We attended to his Grandma's funeral this past week. It was a difficult week. I started in Toronto for a tradeshow and flew out on Saturday. The time of the funeral I found out minutes before I left. I had to be there, for him, for me and out of respect for a woman that I admired and loved. She was a sweet lady, kind gentle, loving and had a life that most of my generation could not have survived. On Monday night I took the red eye to Edmonton. He met me there, we awaited the arrival of his Bro and went and checked into a hotel for a couple hours sleep. The alarm went off at 4:30am. After dressing for the funeral we got into the car and headed north and east. We arrived to the hall and were present for the prayers.. The wake is very difficult, and while I respect the cultural aspects of a wake, it sure is hard on the family. To see the immediate family in such pain hurts me. No matter whom it is, to see someone suffer the loss of one they love sure causes my heart to break. Her children, her husband and the rest of the family... it was so hard to take. Then it was to the church for a full Catholic Mass... the service gives me peace. The next was attending the graveside and the final rite of the funeral mass.. It was a hard thing, and being so close to Grama's service, it made it that much more difficult. There were so many that were shocked to see me, but there is no way I would miss the funeral if it was in my power to be there. He is always there for me, and I needed to be there for him and to pay my last respects to her.

My life has been a struggle... on so many levels. I don't know that I have ever asked "why", just realized that life isn't always what we think it should be. There are difficulties in every life. As long as we meet them head on, deal with them, learn from them and then move on it is worth the journey. There is a saying that I have seen, experienced and heard quite a few times lately, "If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans." It is funny, but true. I am starting to learn that instead of telling him your plans, ask Him to reveal His plans to us. I have been praying for the financial ability to get a home for my family for seven years... Only since Grama died have I changed that prayer to, show me how to be able to provide my family a home... there have been some happenings that if they come through will do just that... I have prayed for getting my divorce through... instead I now am taking the steps to make it happen and praying for guidance to make it so. I have been praying for being able to move on with my life with my G... well, let me share that story...

We were visiting with his aunt and uncle and an offer was made... While the men were outside talking about it I was inside talking with his aunt. She asked why we weren't married yet, I explained that the divorce was not yet through... she didn't know that we still lived in our own places. She was surprised and made the comment, "God will bless you for this" It stuck in my head. We went down the road a little and visited with another aunt and her family. We were talking about getting a home and I made the comment, "we will have to get married before we move in together" Well, his aunt and cousin ran with it making arrangements... he said, "was that a proposal" I left it hanging... The next day when traveling home, I revisited the conversation. "I meant what I said about asking you to marrying me." He said, "Well you didn't really come out and ask" so I did.. after a long pause that seemed like a life time, he said, "I do"

So, my place of residence will change, my last name will change, my life will change and all these changes, while they might be a little difficult at first, will end up in being exactly where I am supposed to be. At one with my family, my love, my home and my God.

The journey that is life

2010-02-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

It has been twelve days since we lost Grama. I have been so busy with things that I almost thought I had a handle on things.... yet give it a moment and the next thing you know I am crying. There have been some really nice things said, done and extended to my family and myself. Notes posted online, cards dropped off at the funeral, and so many other things... A card from a far away friend, really touched my heart. Another great friend brought over dinner with instructions (just put it in the oven) and flowers. Another friend, that I finally had the opportunity to meet after working with her for nearly five years, sent flowers from far away. It is amazing that these wonderful women have chosen to reach out and touch me in my time of despair and sorrow. Still others have offered up their love, time and understanding. When people reach out to me I am embarrassed, humbled and touched. Not one to ask for help, to receive it is something I am learning to do.

On this past Saturday I met with a wonderful group of women. We did something called Wisdom Mapping. It isn't the first time I have done this, and it won't be the last either. Nothing like having a visual every day that helps guide you. Mine hangs at the foot of my bed. It is the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I go to bed at night... If this interests you check out the site...

The time we spent together was good for healing on so many levels. One of my favorite quotes came to light, I say it all the time but some of you may need to hear it, "What other people think about you is none of your DAMN business" I have told my children this so many times. I also tell them, "If you don't matter I don't mind" in other words, if you are not important, you don't have the power to harm me. Not on any level.. I have been trying for a very long time to take away power from people who do not have my best interests at heart. It is worthy and has helped me so much.

The ladies present (four of us and our lovely leader) were all amazing women. Each so beautiful. So much to offer and each one searching for something. Truly, if we aren't searching for something, then are we really living? I am not talking about looking for a pair of misplaced glassed, or some thing for the house.. instead searching for something that we really need. Be it inner peace, forgiveness of ourselves, the ability to find that inner strength to do what we really want to do.... SEARCHING to be better than we are, a better version of ourselves. As long as we are looking, reaching, trying than we are living. Every one of these women is definitely living.. Love to each of them. They are in my prayers.

Work right now is so over the top, busy doesn't even begin to describe how life is. Add into it that my baby boy developed 5th disease
We attended to the hospital for confirmation of the rash... Not unlike other childhood diseases you are most infectious/contagious before the rash develops. This means all those people that were hugging my son at the funeral are at risk. Not that this could be helped... still makes me feel bad, they came to support us and may end up being ill. God does have a sense of humor, and it isn't lost on me!! He will return to school tomorrow and I am hopeful that he will not meet with issues at school. I know many of his REAL friends have not only missed him, but have worried about him and have had their parents en quire to ensure he is okay.

Times like these also bring to light those that you should not allow to waste your time. When being faced with the opportunity to be empathetic they chose to be egocentric, controlling and bullying... GAME OVER. The time has come for the people of this type of character to take their overbearing children and get out of our way. Manipulation disguised as concern does not go unnoticed. The only person you are fooling is yourself... the rest of us see right through you. The sad thing is, I feel sorry for you. What a sad life that you feel the need to make everything about you.. that your need to be the one in pain and in the worst state all the time prevents you from reaching, learning, trying... living. No Empathy her, just Sympathy... which is NOT the same thing.

Then for balance God gave me my Man to be right there for me. Drop everything and be there for me. Quiet support without me having to ask. Knowing what I need and just giving it to me. Patience, quietness, hugs and gentle touches to let me know that you are not only there, but understand. In all my life, I have been the one that runs away from everyone when I am grieving. Don't want anyone around. Yet you are just there. There when I need you, there to let me lean on you, hold me while I cry and there without word or judgment. I thank God for you everyday.

The great thing about my life right now is that I have really good friends that are good to me. Close and far. My Man that is there too (even when far away). My children are here, healthy and loving. My granddaughter is on the way to help fill the void of one that went to make room. The people I have in my life are good and worthy of my time... those that are not, just aren't allowed. I am headed in the right direction for the first time in my life I am sure of that... and to each that support me I owe my gratitude, love and thanks.

Thank you

sticks and stones

2010-02-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

The old children's saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." is so far from the truth.. Words hurt, and if given enough times, in the right manner can damage for life. Things we say to people might help soothe a wounded soul, or harm it more. Thinking before we speak is something I try to do and something I have tried to teach my children as well. Words can come back to us and cause great pain, sorrow, discomfort or frustration. Another saying, "Lord make my words gracious and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them." It is difficult as a child to say things to someone and have them come back to hurt us. It is a lesson that is hard learned, but the earlier you learn it the better off you are. It is frustrating to try and let your children make their own mistakes, only to have parents of others draw you and your children into theirs. Play ground politics is where children learn to: deal with difficult people, barter, trade, make amends, to play peacekeeper, to stand up for themselves, to walk away and to face down your fears. Don't get me wrong, if there is bullying involved, parents need to get involved, as do the teachers... but for day to day activities, back off and let the children try to figure it out first. If the parents get involved with each scuffle or name calling incident how do they learn to stand up for themselves?

I am in no place right now to be patient.. with losing Grama I am in a place that basically says, "People pull your heads out of your butt and get your priorities straight!" Instead of doing this, I am hanging up phones on people that are too deep in their own world of crap to see that others are in a place that their petty childish crap is not currently worth my time.

I hate drama and really wish people would focus on good and let go of the crap...

So hard to say good-bye

2010-02-14T22:59:00.000-08:00

Everyone I know that has ever met my Grama (no that is not a spelling mistake, that is how we spell her name) loved her. She was kind, smart, quick witted, sweet, and knew exactly what to say to make you feel good. She was good at flirting... she would and could make anyone her junior or senior's face turn red. She loved people. She was thrifty and was more apt to spend money on others long before she would spend it on herself. She loved her boys: brothers, husband, sons, grandsons and great grandsons. She loved her girls too... she loved so freely and without thought of anything in return. She had lost so many she loved over the years, two sons, many brothers, brother in laws, sisters, a son in law, and many friends that were like family. She lost her home most recently to a fire. She woke me to tell me that she thought she smelled smoke... she saved my life and that of my daughter.. She saved so many from so many different things. She helped to raise her own six children, along with multiple nieces, nephews and children for one reason or another wouldn't or couldn't live at home. Everyone that had no place to go for any holiday was always welcome in her home. She housed those that wanted to goto school, those that had no other place to go and a granddaughter, her three children and three cats that were fleeing a city and a life that were no longer an option. She needed us, but we needed her too.. Only six short weeks after we moved in the house went up in flames.... She lost everything, and the sad thing was she had lost many memories too.

When the time came to move back into the house, she couldn't do it. She told us to stay and live in the home. She saved us again... allowed us to have a stable home that we could be in without fear and allow me to rebuild our lives. She was excited to learn she would be a great great grandmother. Yet she couldn't stay long enough to be there to meet the child at least not here. Perhaps my granddaughter will be like her... part of her... help heal the very large hole that is currently gaping in the family and in all our hearts.

She moved into a lodge. She was lonely there, but made so many friends. The people whom worked there, the ones who lived there and the ones that visited with her all grew to love her too. She often spoke of, "the poor old souls" that lived there... even though she was older than many. Her health was failing her, diabetes that was not easily described as "brittle" onset in her 80's wasn't something that I would wish on anyone. Her heart, well she had a heart attack a couple years ago... one of the nurses made the comment of, "what are we preserving" We were preserving the matriarch of our family, our rock and the lady that had cared for us all for so many years. She recovered and after getting back to the lodge she settled in again. The dementia was creeping in, slowly... but even when she was confused her wit was amazing.. The long term care facility bed became available.. it was time and within six weeks she fell and broke her hip... there was discussion and she was sent to Calgary to have it assessed. I attended, a big city hospital is no place for an elderly lady, and especially one that was so sensitive to medications and not so normal a diabetic. Advocate was my role and I took it seriously. Many times I let loose to the staff that didn't see the lady that was there... didn't understand and didn't know. I did, and there was no way she was going to be mistreated, misdiagnosed and mistakenly labeled as not medically necessary. She had her hip repaired, I went with her to the OR and reviewed with the anesthetist how very sensitive she was to meds and painkillers. He listened, and we all waited while she was in the OR. After the meds left her system and she went home she had physio and walked again... She was lonely and I will never forget that I didn't get all the time with her that I wished I had.

When I arrived this past Friday morning after the phone call I was not ready, but she was. In the night she had a heart attack, followed by a stroke. I talked to the doctor and knew the prognosis was poor. She was able to hear when I first arrived. She obeyed and could see, but it was just a matter of time. While waiting for the nurses to come and move her out of the emergency and to the palliative care room I talked to her. I told her if she wanted to stay, we would all love to have her, but if she wanted to go and be with Grampa, I understood that and would support her too. I told her I knew how much she missed him and if she wanted to go and see him, I understood.

The sons that were there, the daughter and others all did the same thing. We each told her we loved her and gave her permission to go. She gave us the chance to say good-bye... and in doing so pulled us together once again. The cornerstone of the family, the one that we all love with such depth. The lady that made us laugh. Taught us that many things could be resolved with a good cup of tea. Shared stories of yesteryear. Sang songs from the heart, sometimes with "dip dip dip dip" where words could have been. Made good gravy made in a way that only God could really make it work. Poop-corn to share... and there better be butter on there. MASH with a good drink of Rum and Pepsi. A garden full of veggies, sweetpeas and sun flowers. Mornings of tea, toast, word finds and horoscopes. Music, and cookies, for children or dogs. Watermelon she would share if she had to. Pastries and jellybeans, dishes with candy. So many things that would be just, "Jim Dandy" Shrimp cocktail which we all loved... and then there was tomato soup cake, well we ate it anyway. Sweaters, socks, banks, booties, hats and many things knitted. Crocheted afghans, and baby blankets. Everything she made came from the heart. No wonder we will miss her, she did so very much.

The day was long and difficult. She suffered, and we watched. She laboured and we cried. Her body slowly shut down and we held her hand. We talked to her, to each other. We shared stories, we cried. We shared stories and we laughed. We waited and watched... none of us wanting her to suffer, but none of us really ready to let her go. I sat on her bed, held her hand, sang her songs she sang to me all those years ago. I told her I loved her, would miss her and told her to give Grampa a hug when she saw him. I sat on her bed, tried to keep her comfortable, gave her mouth care, covered her up, uncovered her, stroked her hair, kissed her cheeks, hugged her, prayed over her and tried not to imagine how hard life will be without her. I did all the things I have done for others as they prepared to leave this world as a nurse, only this time it was one I loved so deeply that I feared my heart just might break.

I called a friend and she brought the children. They all came in to see her, they went and stayed as they needed to. They each had a choice to see her or not... I did the best I could to prepare them and let them know that she was dying, not the lady they would remember, but a shell that was preparing to let go of the soul that it had held for ninety three years. There were family members there that they could stay with and we all supported one and other. It was hard to see them see her. Yet, they all decided to go in. The youngest came in and kissed her, then started to cry and I carried him out to stay with two men he knows and loves well. My older boy had a difficult time. He was so very close to her all his life. This woman was the one that made him shine and he in turn made her shine too. She loved him and he her... He came and went, in and out. As the end drew nearer he wanted to be closer.. it was so very painful to see. My daughter and her husband were there too... she was so sad, and it hurts to see anyone you love in pain, be it the pains of death or the pain of someone close to you dying.. Her husband was so supportive and kind..

My man brought me out, helped with the children and was there whenever I needed a hug, the children to be fed, or to hold me and just let me cry. The unspoken love and support is something I will be thankful for until the end of time.

Each time we left the room for the staff to turn her, I was afraid she would be gone when we came back. Three... turn, five... turn, just before seven... turn and breathed her last. She died with those that had cared for her while those that loved her waited outside. She didn't die alone, and I think she didn't want us to watch her take her last breath.. When she was gone, the ones that were still left went in and said good-bye. The pain was gone, the suffering ended and the lady we had all leaned on in life was gone. The people that were in and out all day (the ones whom she had touched) numbers were great. They all came in to give support and each ended up in tears and hugs. Care givers, members of the community, friends, and each had some heartfelt story to share. On Thursday she went bowling, flirted with some men sixty to seventy years her junior, and on Friday evening she was gone. After hugs from the doctor that cared for her close to thirty years and hugs from everyone else we slowly left the room. When I reached the nurses station I had to go back one last time... to get a stuffed dog that has a picture of her and Grampa on their wedding day... really an excuse to say good-bye one last time and whisper, "dance and give him a big hug from me"

So many people have so many different beliefs, and whom are we to say they are right or wrong? When we finally have the real answer, we won't be able to tell anyone. Yet, I pray that someday when the time comes, she, Grampa, Daddy, and so many others will be there to greet me, hug me and we can all share in the bounty without pain, hurt, suffering... God knows that we suffer enough here. I have great faith that it will be worth every second of it when we arrive there, with Him.

God bless you Grama... we love you, miss you, thank you and never will forget you. I am thankful to have had you here and glad that God held off in calling you home. I know that God blessed us all when he gave us you... Until we meet again, I will sing the songs that you taught me and those that give me peace. Dashing away, dashing away, you stole my heart away...

You're so wrong

2010-01-26T08:35:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me the balls that some people have. The size of which seams to be inversely proportional to the level of education. In other words, the less education you have (in school or from the school of life) the more apt you are to behave inappropriately. Each one of us has to learn to deal with people that are difficult... it gets hard to be professional when one of these people is someone whom you bash heads with at your place of business.

Traveling on business means that there are expenses incurred that need to be submitted. If you never travel on business, just know that while this sounds like it should not be an issue, it truly can become one if the person that is supposed to process the receipts thinks they have the right to question everything that you do. To bring the frustration levels even higher, why not go to the superior and tell him like it is before reviewing the receipt in question with the one whom submitted it? I have been a big girl for many year and don't take kindly to being questioned by one whom thinks she is my superior when in reality she is just an accounts payable clerk. Taking a look at my receipts without looking at the entire picture can paint a very ugly view. Out of town for five days and four nights and submitting a receipt for one dinner is pretty damn good! When looking at the one receipt you will note that the amount is $170 with tip... instead of pretending to understand a receipt why not ask and find out the receipt is for three people in downtown Vancouver? Given that unless you have been in Vancouver, you really would not know that the costs of eating there can run very high (over $200/plate for an entree) and that $60 for an entire meal per person is reasonable. Then taking a look at breakfasts, only twice was there a cost of eating in the hotel (buffet as getting to a venue before the people arrive to set up a booth every morning is necessary) the other two mornings it was something quick and easy and less than $12. Lunches, only one of those and it was on the day of arrival. The other four days it was either no lunch at all, covered in the cost of the trade show I was attending or paid for by someone else whom invited me out and insisted on paying. Truly, if I wanted to be a bitch, I would have had five dinners, five lunches and four breakfasts on the company tab. However, as I was visiting friends and family those meals were not billed back. In return I provided two breakfasts, and one dinner to the one whom had paid for some of the other meals I shared and enjoyed.

It gets old being treated with less than respect. Add a little salt to the wound when she tells me I am wrong about what my roll is and what I should be doing and how I am to do it. Thankfully, I am actively looking for new ventures on other fronts. Sadly, the company will have a very hard time filling the shoes I have taken to wearing all the time. Even more sad is the idea that the one who creates the most issues and strife is the one that they should have shown the door years ago.

If I had any advise for someone who is running their companies and looking to improve it would be this. No one truly knows what the role of another is unless they have done it themselves. Unless you are looking to take over that role, it would be most professional to keep their mouth shut unless their opinion is asked. It is frustrating and affects moral when you have junior admin staff flexing their absent minds and muscles on the ones that truly take care of business every day.
It causes resentment, lost time and the company loses money when the moral hits the toilet and the staff no longer want to do the job.

If I had my way, I would work with dogs. No BS there... respect, and the good of the pack... Which makes me wonder why when things are going bad they say it is, "Gone to the dogs." I think that would be a vast improvement from what so many of us deal with every day!!

What ever happened to the Golden Rule?

2010-01-14T22:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time coming, but tomorrow I will be attending my boys' school to address some issues.The latest and the icing on the so-called-cake was my learning of my youngest being swarmed at school by boys older than he. Being whom I am, I have taken the time to write down the things I want to review. The idea is to read it over to the principle of the school (and the assistant) and then when they have heard all my points going through all the points one by one, reviewing which teacher was involved and what the resolution to the issue will be.

It is long, but this is it.
I have removed the names of my children and the names of the local clergy, but otherwise this is what is going to be presented to them tomorrow.

1. Children made fun of in front of their peers. Regardless of what the mark is on a test, it is between the child and the teacher... they should not be ridiculed because of their grade. They are children. Children that may not understand the subject area, didn't get a good night's sleep or any other of a number of things that causes us to not always do our best. Never should it be told to their peers, “Don't be like ***** class, study for your tests.” The mark that was made fun of was over the 60th percentile, which is pretty good for a child that just a few months ago was over one and a half grade points behind his reading level. Is this supposed to encourage him to do better? My background tells me that this isn't likely, instead resulting just the opposite.. Behaviour like this Causes decrease in self esteem, lack of trust in their teachers and shame.

2. **** was embarrassed and made fun of, not only in front of his peers, but in an environment that could have been a positive one for him. Not all children are natural athletes and they should be encouraged to visit/explore different options over and above sports. A group of my friends are involved in technical theater. We had been discussing fencing as an option for over a month and I had discussed the option with **** on the Monday night prior to him attending the theater production at ***** ******* high School. He was apprehensive to start as he fears ridicule at the hands of his peers. He was so impressed with the play. He could actually see himself there. He inquired if any of the people on stage were involved in Fencing. He was corrected and ridiculed at the hands of the teacher. When I approached the teacher about it she made comment that “that is not what it means”. Regardless if there is some other meaning (which I had to talk to over a dozen people before they could give me an alternate meaning for it) The teacher jumped to the conclusion that this is what **** was talking about. Heaven knows that it is “off topic” to discus with people in the theater about an area that helps facilitate poise, confidence, balance and self worth. All of which **** is lacking in. It frustrates me to no end that she didn't discus this with him apart from his peers. Why has it become acceptable to embarrass children in front of their peers? What about the Golden Rule? How do you expect children to respect each other, never mind the staff when they are treated with less than such at the hands of the ones that are supposed to be leading these children in a Catholic manner.

3. Screaming at the students and using words like “gay" and "lesbian” to describe things that are not “good” is not only lacking in Catholic manners, but professionalism as well. These children are not adults, and the discussions should reflect the Catholic values and ideals that are supposed to define our faith, our families and our Catholic Schools at an age appropriate level.

4. My youngest child was swarmed at school by children older than him on the playground. This was before school began on a Wednesday morning. He arrived by school bus, but there was no supervision to answer the screams of his friend while he was on the ground and being prevented by getting up by this group of bullies. He didn't tell me (typical action when being harassed)nor did the school tell me about the situation. The school is responsible for ensuring the health, safety and welfare of the children. Given the level of aggression and the number of children involved I do not understand why I was not notified by the school. I know if he was a member of the aggressors I would have been called. Why would the school take a stance that appears to be protecting the bullies and aggressors? When I asked him why he didn't call me to tell me what happened he told me he isn't allowed to use the phone. What if he had hit his head and was concussed? I had no idea to even keep an eye on him for injury. The ability to make an informed decision on the health and safety was prevented by me not being informed by the school. Given that there is supposed to be a zero tolerance policy for bullying, what is the standard procedure when an event like this happens? This wasn't a two way street, but a bunch of children impeding and threatening the health and safety of a single child. I question where he would had been or how hurt he could have been had his friend not come upon the situation when he did.

5. The children have proper tables to eat off of, yet the grade four students (and older) are eating off the floor. We pay for the privilege of having them eat at the school. Eating off the floor is not only unsanitary, but unnecessary when the tables exist. Also there is a large complaint by many students that there is very limited time for them to eat and that they are not allowed to take food outside with them. The supervision is paid for out of the pockets of the parents and it sounds like this money is ill spent. How can a child learn if they do not have the time to get adequate nutrition? Why the big rush to get them out the door? To burn off the little bit of food they were able to intake? What if they are purchasing part or all of their lunch... this takes more time and may mean they won't be able to consume it? What is on the floor of the gym that might be ingested if the child drops some or a portion of their lunch on the floor? The shoes that are on the feet of the children enter the washroom, out of doors and other areas. The purpose of eating off a table is to increase hygiene and decrease disease. What is the point in having them wash their hands when they will touch the floor as they lower themselves to sit on it before they eat? Everyone was so worried about flu and H1N1, yet they aren't taking normal precautions to prevent disease and infection.

6. The junior high students are supposed to be allowed to have a nutrition break. They are growing and active students that require these breaks to ensure they are maintaining a blood glucose level that is necessary for not only health, but mental capacity to learn. When they are told to not bring things like yogurt, fruit or fruit juices I have to question what these decisions are based on? Why is it so important to rule them on things like this when the real threats to the children are not being attended to? The threat of bodily harm at the hands of fellow students, and threat of self worth at the hands of some teachers must be addressed.

7. This is a Catholic elementary/junior high school. Religion is supposed to be what sets us apart from the other publicly funded schools. The Golden rule, our Catholic faith, our love of God and our fellow peoples. Respect and responsibility, are two things that seem to be greatly lacking at this point. I have discussed these items with other parents and I am ready to attend to the parish priest and Bishop **** about my concerns if they are not addressed and resolved in short order.

Well, what do you think? I am sure that they will be crawling all over themselves with all sorts of comments/rebuttals. The thing that they are not aware of, is that in today's day and age of micro cameras, cell phones (many equipped with video recording capability) and MP3s that can record it is no longer the student's word vs the student. I will not mention it at first, but there is back up to some of these claims on my oldest boy's iPod. I just pray that they see reason and the need to review these things without having to bring the details on that MP3 to light.

My ears are bleeding

2010-01-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

So for Christmas the family received the Beetles Rock Band for Christmas. Since then have added a couple different versions, Classic and AC DC... Nothing like someone who is tone deaf to destroy a song that you once had a fond memory of... It is fun, but, oh my... it can damn near make your ears bleed. It makes my just about cry when my Husky pup comes and puts his head on my lap with "Yoda Ears" I know if it is hurting mine, his must be ready to burst..

The latest version of "reality television" singing talent looking show (no I will not name it) is coming up and it pains me to think of how many people out there that think they can sing will be ridiculed, belittled, cry, get angry and a number of other things as no-one in their circle of friends loved them enough to be honest with them... "YOU MAY LOVE TO SING, but you should not... insist in inflicting pain on others like that". Don't get me wrong, I think everyone should sing. Singing is good for the soul. Sing in church, sing in your car, sing in the shower, sing to your children, sing.... but please don't sing in public. Also know if someone on a show or in a position of musical knowledge tells you can't sing... they are being honest... deal with it. We cannot all sing like a siren or dance like a leprechan. I am sure each of us has our own God given talent... some just have to dig a little deeper to find it. I would love to be a good singer, dance like a gypsy, have an eye for the camera like so many whom have amazing blogs, and a number of other things... yet, I am content to be who I am, and not take offense when someone tells me that I am making their ears bleed.

frustrated incorporated

2010-01-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

There is a song that goes, "They say misery loves company... we start a company and make misery. Frustrated incorporated..."

It seems these days in the news, on the internet, in the media that the bad news, sad news and such always gets top billing. When did we become a society that thrives on misery and won't look at the good? I know every day that there are thousands of good things that happen, yet you have to look very hard to find even one of these stories in the local paper, the internet news broadcasters, or any place else that you may look for news. I have decided that I am going to start keeping track of the good things that happen to me everyday at the hands of others. Not sure how I am going to make it be known, but just the same it is time we start some "feel good news" I know if we really stop and think about it, perfect strangers do good to us everyday. Anything from as simple as a smile or a kind gesture.

Don't get me wrong there are lots of bad things that happen that need to reported. However, why not give equal billing to the good. It probably won't make me rich, but at least I will be spreading good instead of propagating the bad that is out there. I like the idea of reading some good to start the day. It can still give me a basis for discussion with others throughout the day and it will go something like this, "Did you hear the great story that happened yesterday...."

I love humanity and know that most of us would like a little good news today. I am pretty sure there is a song in there too!

Why would I even waste my time with you???

2010-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

There are people on this earth that I used to have to deal with every day. I made a decision in my life to leave them behind (and yes I do mean behind) and yet there are some that try to claw their way back into my life. I do not want you in my life. You are a waste of my time, energy and patience that could be better spent elsewhere. On things like picking fly shit out of pepper for example.

The idea that money and power are everything sickens me. You know it all, yet have no education (not in school or in the school of life). Your ideas are from the TV and the media that controls so many. You have no ability to think outside the box, nor are you aware that a box even exists. In order to make an informed decision you must ensure that you have the facts. In order to do that you must have the mental capacity to learn the facts... and by the way, the facts are not what your momma tells you. In order for her to be able to know the facts she would have to be able to read. While I know that is hitting below the belt, I really do not care. In order to learn from others you have to set your perceived "facts" aside and listen to someone that knows, read a book or two and Comic books don't count. Learn something other than sports and realize that there is a big world of knowledge out there... but again, that would mean you stepping outside the world you live in.

Traveling doesn't mean going to the nearest resort and staying there. To learn about how the things are in a country you need to go where the locals are. Their markets, their transportation, their churches, their places of work. See how they live, listen to their stories and learn that while they are different it doesn't make them wrong. Mind you, in order to make that connection you would have to dump your red-necked, inbred, backwoods ways and get your mouth off the beer bottle (or whatever your poison of choice may be at this stage in your life). Sound harsh? Well, (I would say my friend, but you are not), you need to learn that while people might have a different opinion from you it doesn't mean they are wrong. To argue something you only need to know your point of view. To truly debate something you need to know many. I like to debate... it helps me to learn and sometimes might even change my point of view. The difference between me and you (while there are many I will just go with one here) is that I don't feel threatened when someone has a differing opinion than my own. Be it faith, morals, values, foods to eat, where to live, political stances, medical ideals, it all is worthy of discussion. However that is only true when the person I am talking with knows how to listen, has a point of view based on actual sound reasoning and doesn't see someone having an opposing opinion as a threat to their manhood.

Honestly, I should not let someone as meaningless invoke such frustration in me. Thank God that I have an outlet called blogging to let this type of crap go. I pity those that have to deal with you everyday. I pity those that are related to you and I am glad that the one that was created from us both has a better handle on life and priorities than you ever will. I rest easy in knowing that you will likely never change, always be a drunkard thriving on sports and other frivolous wastes of time to ever impede her from reaching her full potential. While nature may have a role to play, nurture does too. I would discus this with you, but I know you are not equipped to have a discussion that requires that level of education, understanding and thinking outside the box.

NEXT!!

WWJD?

2009-12-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

WWJD?? In case you are not aware of what that means, What Would Jesus Do? It is something that I try to ask myself on a regular basis as I am faced with so many different things and options in this life. Sometime the answer is easy and made without much conscious thought. Other times it means exploring your morals, values and doing what will not be easy, but what is right. While you know to do what is right, it is often the hardest thing to do. A lesson/discussion that has been repeated many times this year with my children. Doing what is right is always the correct thing to do, but often it is not the easiest.

There are times that we are asked to do things that are far too much. There are times that we do things because we are guilted into them. This is one of those things that I hope to conquer this year and I have started on it already.

Typically I will do almost anything for anyone, now while it might sound like a bad idea, it is usually for a good reason. I am not good at asking for help myself... something that I am working on, so I tend to assume that others are like this as well (thinking the best of others). However, I will not put myself, my plans, my family or other priorities on hold for others anymore. Don't get me wrong, if you need to see a doctor, are hurt, sick or truly in need I would absolutely be there and put the unimportant or not urgent things on hold. However, if you have made plans that involve me to get them done and pop them on me last second I will not oblige you. Especially when I have already made plans of my own. I have huge responsibilities that are upon me already and over and above those I have my own needs. I have spiritual, emotional, mental, physical needs. I have children, a career, a group of friends, animals and a boyfriend that all need me and my time. I have to have time to myself as well. Alone time, quiet time, time to pray/reflect, heal, empty out and fill back up. So, I will not be made to feel guilty for not doing what someone else expects me to do.

Christmas was nice this year. Spent a few hours with my maternal side of the family. While I love them, there are many of them that I don't like. Their need to express their unrequested opinion floors me. The fact that they do it when there is no-one else around to hear them tells me that they know what they are doing is wrong. To pass judgment and make someone else feel small makes me mad. Especially when you are doing it to one of my children. My daughter is pregnant and due in April of the New Year. She is young, but married to a lovely young man that treats her well. No matter what what anyone thinks of it, they are welcome to keep it to themselves. It is her life, her decision and I support her. That is my role as her mother. When people treat her badly, judge her or otherwise I find it very hard not to attack them (the Alpha in me I guess) Instead I am trying to go the route of, "While I understand you may feel that way, I question why you think you are entitled to belittle someone. Perhaps in the future it would be better that you keep your comments to yourself!" Then there are others that are so wonderfully supportive it makes me almost cry. I have looked back at the last decade of my life. I have allowed those that are less than supportive and judgmental of me, create a wedge between those that were always my protectors and friends in the family. That is something else I will work on to change this year. Bring those that are good to me close and those that are not can keep their distance. Again, if they require help (medical for example) I will be there, as that is what I am called to do. However, I will not give them the power or ability to impede me on any level.

While one member of the family did his best to cause a fight, and bring me down. He tried on many occasions to humiliate and intimidate me. Making the comment that he "asked me" to do something... not the truth, he "told me" I had to do something that had no actual reason other than control and anger. I made the best decision for my family, the animal in question and the immediate people in my life. I thought about it, reviewed things with people I respect and prayed about it. The decision I made was the best one for me and a result of all the above mentioned. When he became venomous another uncle intervened and told him "not to start" I talked to as many as I could and tried to be positive and light. If you knew my family, you would know that this is no small task. They like to ask questions of you and talk over you as you try to respond. They like to inflict you with their opinions (rarely based on facts) and their ideals. There are some that are wonderful bright stars, but it is hard to outshine those that will not be ignored. Overall, I was able to avoid the negative and enjoy the evening.

Christmas Eve, after visiting we went to Midnight Mass (this year held at 11pm). I truly love that service, it isn't as big a part of me as the Easter services, but I love it just the same. It is so important to me to keep Christ in Christmas and attending church re-affirms to me what the entire thing is all about.

Once everyone was in bed Santa came (I know it is not accepted by many religious people, but it is part of who I am and whom I was raised to be). In the morning I awoke at 9am and was surprised that the boys had not waken me earlier. My oldest son had been up much earlier, but had been working very hard to finish a project that was a gift for my daughter and her husband. When I went into the living room he was there finishing it up. It is a real gift when it is made with your own hands from your heart. All at the house were brought into the room where the tree, the gifts and the overfilled stockings were awaiting discovery. There was excitement and joy. Ooooohhhs and ahhhhhs. Giggles and fun. It was over too soon, but it seems that all enjoyed it. The laughter of Christmas filled the house and that makes it all worth it.

Tonight is New Years Eve. Again the boys and I will attend Mass at the church and visit for a little while with the community. The people that have very much become part of our family. Not unlike the family we are related to by blood, there are the difficult ones. However, we focus and share our time with those that are good and positive. Given that we have been able to do that in this environment, I know I can do it in the blood relationships as well.

So while we are in our church, praying, praising, singing and quietly attending there will be others making their own way. The sacrifices I have made in the past will no longer be at my family's expense. When next year comes around and the guilt is trying to lay at my feet I will kick it away, say no and carry on in the way one should. With those whom love, respect and understand me.

As the new decade is about to begin I look forward to:
My family growing up more.
A new addition and generation to be added to the family.
Spending more time exercising my dogs.
Working smart instead of hard.
Growing in my faith
Growing in my relationships
Continuing to do what I know is right, without worrying what others may think about it.
Doing the best I can to lead my pack forward and up. Even if it means away from some that may have been so involved in the past.

How many sleeps??

2009-12-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

Two more sleeps (tonight and tomorrow) and Christmas Eve will be here. I know that many count the days until Christmas, but I count the days until Christmas Eve. When I was a child we spent Christmas Eve with my Grama and Grampa (on my Mom's side)... it was when everyone joined together to enjoy a family gathering with our own and those that had no place to go. It meant Aunts, Uncles, cousins, extended family and friends. Christmas as a child was about family, music (played by the family members), food, presents and drinking... I enjoyed it all and have many fond memories, but not the drinking... A few drinks I have no problem with, but drinking to oblivion is something I do not, nor will I ever understand. When you are so drunk that you can't hardly function and are looking for a fight... I have words to describe, but I am not going on that tangent... at least not now.

Christmas meant that Grampa would pull out the violin and start to play.. Great Grama (his mother) would play the autoharp, one uncle would play a six string, another a banjo or twelve string... there was harmonicas, twelve strings, accordions and other instruments... those who didn't play would sing. Those that didn't know the words would hum along, or put in requests. As children we would dance or sing along. My Grampa was born in Eastern Canada and this was entertainment at its finest. The long narrow L shaped room in the basement became a play ground. Everyone was welcome and someone always brought along someone that had no where else to go. The tree was always overwhelmed with presents as the family (six children in my mother's family) had quite a few generations around it. Some of my fondest memories were of the people in the basement singing, dancing and playing the original version of name that tune... more like,
"Do you know this one??"
"Well, could you sing a few lines?"
"Don't remember most of the chorus"
"Don't know the words? Then hum it.."
"Well it goes... dipp dip dipp dip dipp..... "
"Oh yeah, its called this... and lets play it in this key... you can all join in whenever you can"

While at the time I enjoyed it, I really didn't understand the gift that it was to be surrounded by that much talent. They made their own entertainment... and it was one that everyone was not only encouraged to do what they could, they did. There was no sense of not being good enough. It was about sharing, making/enjoying music and everyone's company. One Christmas Eve that all changed...

I was in junior high school. There was lots of drinking, and as usual with drinking there is fighting. The fighting escalated and as we were leaving to go home one of my uncles fell down the stairs onto the basement floor.. when my mom got there he wasn't breathing.. the ambulance came.... with it the death of Christmas that was full of music, family and entertainment. He didn't die that night, he was on life support for a period of time, but he did die. It was an aneurysm that ruptured when he was at the top of the stairs.. I had just passed him on the way up. I was carrying a package and was mad at everyone for the fighting.. it wasn't the first time it happened, it happened each time the family was together... the players weren't always the same, but the anger always was. When I arrived at the top of the stairs he was there and offered to take my package... my anger was evident and I refused the assistance... I heard the sound of a person falling down the stairs and the sound of a head hitting the tile floor that was directly over the concrete.... When I looked down there he was, in a pool of blood... I called 911 and it was a very long time before I forgave myself for letting my anger get in the way. If only I had given him the package.. but the thing about life is that you don't get to change your response and actions. You have to live with them. The technology then was not capable of helping someone recover from an rupture of that size... it is interesting (and proves that God has a sense of humour) to know that when I left my nursing career I was working in Neurosciences/Neurosurgery... I helped care for people that had the same injury of my uncle so many years ago...

Christmas has taken a different meaning... for years we didn't celebrate it in the Grandparents' home.. it was too much and the wounds too raw. I would love to say that the family healed and moved closer and stronger... it didn't. It did however resolve in me that my children would not be subjected to that. I have always tried to make Christmas special. We still attend my family gathering (now at my youngest uncle's home) but Christmas really begins when we attend Midnight Mass. The family is important (especially my Grama, I love her dearly and wonder what will become of the family when she has moved on to be with Grampa once again) but the light I seek starts in the church. The choir sings, the boys serve at the alter, I do the first reading... From the Profit Isaiah,

"The people who walked in darkness have
seen a great light;
.............
For a child has been born for us,
a son given to us;
authority rests upon his shoulders;
and he is named
Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

That is when Christmas starts for me... the ones that are there with me give me the greatest gift by attending. The pew is full of those whom are in my home for the celebration. The quiet and joy that descends upon me as I read those words is not something I can describe. We return home, often in quiet silence... the children are tucked into bed and once they are asleep St Nicholas attends... The celebration is based on the Mass, but the magic of the tradition brings joy. It is the joy waking in the morning and seeing the excitement on the faces... In waking and knowing that I have the light within me. I try to share it with all that I can. That is why there are always more than just my own in my small home. It can be stressful to have 7-12 people sharing a small home with one bathroom. However, it is more than the Christ-child and his parents had..

This year there were some very cruel words spoken to me by a couple members of my family. They rebuked me for "trying to save everyone" and "bringing everyone in at Christmas" for "taking in animals" and "giving so much when I have so little" The words at the time hurt me to the core, but now I look at those things and know that I do what I think is right. Feed the hungry, house the poor, shelter the animals and share the light. If those things strike anger in those that are supposed to be family, then it means I need to pray more for them. I try to be the light for others, but the most important light I must care for is the one that He has planted in me.

"Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace..."

I pray for peace, light and joy. I pray most for the ones that strike out at others, for it is themselves that are most injured.

Merry Christmas to all..
May the light of Christ lead you to peace, joy and everlasting love.

Why do you insist on treating children like that?

2009-12-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

Is it the time of year? Is the the fact that they need a vacation? Or has it become to the point that it is okay to mistreat and ridicule children in front of their peers? The two boys are in school (the same one, a kindergarden through grade nine) and while the younger one has two amazing teachers there are some there that should not be working with people... never mind children. To belittle a child doesn't make them respect you, only feel small and mistrust you. It doesn't make you look strong or good either... even young children know when someone is being mistreated. Does it occur to you at all that when they laugh they are laughing out of fear, mistrust and because they don't know how else to handle the situation??

I remember being in school and speaking out for the kids in the class that were mistreated. Why would you become a teacher and work with children if you don't like them?? If you can't handle a situation, remove yourself, get your composure back (if you ever had it in the first place) and return to the classroom. Don't poke fun, make an example out of or mistreat a child... The time has come for me to interfere.. I don't like to get there, but it is more than one incident, more than one teacher and affecting both the children. When it comes to excessive exertion in a physical activity, don't belittle or dismiss a child who is coughing. Coughing can be a precursor to an asthma attach, a cardiac abnormality or a host of another issues after exertion. Giving a child inappropriate discipline for coughing after an activity is not only wrong, but dangerous... Send them to the office with the idea that they have done something wrong puts me over the edge. If you are in crisis (real or perceived) you need support, understanding and someone who will help you to calm down. To think that every child should make the same measurement in anything is absurd... to think that they should all be equal physically is off the charts.. A year age difference in the early years can be mountains in development... not only that, but the fact we are all different, have different strengths and weaknesses is what makes us unique individuals. The idea of superiority that has crept into our schools at the hands of teachers that are bullies, lacking in enough common sense and socially inept makes me question if home schooling should be the way we all go. They have access to our children for 6 1/2 hours and if they can't be positive role models get them out of the system. Let them work with me for a couple days and see if they change their attitude... if you don't have the balls to treat someone with respect, you need to ask yourself why you don't respect yourself.

These are the same teachers that expect junior high student to know who they are... what a freakin' joke.

I am finally in a state that I can attend the school, talk with the principle and get to the bottom of all of this. The idea/mission of that school is the golden rule... how can the staff expect respect when they don't give it to their students and co-workers? It brings me to that old saying, "those who can't, teach" Don't get me wrong... there are some amazing teachers in the school, but when there are three that are causing such pain and fear in my children, I wonder what other children have not spoken up and are just suffereing in silence??

poor me, pouring over things that need not be

2009-12-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

Attending a mission at my church parish the past week has been so good for me on so many different levels. The idea is to bring us closer to Christ and make our relationship more positive. It was so good to be in a place that was about remembering who we are, what we need and sharing positive energy, thoughts and plans. The priest that lead the mission was Fr Max Olivia SJ (Jesuit priest) from California. He is a positive, kind and laughing eyed man that shares his experiences with an air of humour and joy.

The week was a busy one full of so many different things. Work, children's activities (including issues with other children, sporting events, homework), things for when Christmas comes, pending guests for the holidays. Yet, attending from 7pm until close to ten three nights was a dream come true... okay, I was late, but it meant that I missed some of the mass prior to the retreat.. The talks included stories, sharing and a wonderful guided meditation with Mary and Joseph. After the talks were done there was coffee/tea/snacks and community building while the hosts, members of the clergy and parishoners shared more time.

When things were done each night I went home feeling refreshed, content and happy. There was exploring many avenues of life and it left me feeling good about who I was and where I was meant to be. No poor me here, that doesn't work for me... never has! Anything that I have been through in life has made me stronger. Sometimes the strength is physical. Sometimes it is mental, emotional, spiritual. Other times is is a mix of different things. The one thing that I always take from it is the ability to share my experiences with others.. I don't give unsolicited advice, not my style. I don't care to be subjected to it, but if you ask for my opinion or expereinces I am willing to share. If I am giving advice that isn't sought after, chances are I am concerned about the need for it and care about the person I am giving it to.

We are approaching the season of peace. You can't obtain peace without having inner peace. Peace isn't stagnant. It lives, breathes and grows. If we take the time I am sure we can find it in ourselves. Sometimes to find it we need help. A councilling session/sessions, a faith/religion, friends and expereinces.. all learning how to get through the journey in a state of peace. Once we find it in ourself we can share it with others.. Peace starts when we love ourself and share it with those around us. Not only the easy to love, but the ones whom are difficult to love... often they are the ones that need it most.

Luke 2:8-14 “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."

PEACE

swordplay vs wrestling

2009-12-10T23:13:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday I took the afternoon and evening off to pick up my oldest son to take him to a wrestling match. He was very exited about it. In the afternoon the entire junior high population attended a nearby high school to watch a play. He is always excited about theatrical things (actually, both my boys are) and there has been extensive discussion about him taking Fencing classes. I have friends that are theater people and both have training in theatrical sword-play... we have been encouraging him to take Fencing for many reasons. The last discussion about it was on Monday night. So............

When the bus from the high school arrives my oldest comes in. He is visibly angry and off his game (just where you want a 13 year old that is headed to a wrestling competition).. I tell him to cool down and he can tell me what is going on while we are traveling to the school where the competition is being held. We are the only ones in the car, so no need to worry about what might be said, and whom may hear it... Image is so much when you are a junior high student, and adults can do so much to screw that up.

Enter here a teacher that made my daughter'e life difficult. Turns out that after the play there is a question and answer session. My son asks if anyone in the production is taking fencing... (valid question as they are in theater at a high school level and we have been discussing it for weeks) So the teacher decided to tell my son to "stay on task and stay relevent to the discussion" further to do this in front of his peers and make him the subject of ridicule. Nothing like putting yourself out there to be made a spectacle by a teacher... So, he was mad that she made him a laughing stock, angry that she did not allow him the opportunity to discus things, and hurt that this was all done in front of her peers.

Turns out this same teacher is part of the wrestling team coaching unit (or so it seems)...
After doing his best in a weight class that included two boys from his own school/one from another (there were four schools present at this meet) and losing each round, he was rather down on himself. He went to change and I saw the opportunity to talk to the teacher that caused my son's pain and humiliation earlier in the day. I approached her and asked her if she was aware why my son had asked the question and that he was hurt by her display earlier in the day. She gave me this look (that I have seen some four years earlier) that said I didn't have a clue and asked me if I knew what "fencing" meant..
I said, "well two people have swords and...." and she roller her eyes and said, "No! The OTHER meaning"

I said that I didn't and she pussy footed around the idea that it has sexual connotations. I asked her if she was aware that I had friends in theater and that we had been telling my son that he should look into taking fencing as he is interested in the arts. The last time we discussed it was the night before... Her tone, body language and facial expressions changed (I wonder if many people know that after working with the people that have had severe neuro deficits, for as long as I did, that I see all this unspoken communication) told me that she was about to tell a lie...
"Well I talked to him about it and he seemed okay with everything...."

REALLY??!! That is why he was so upset when I saw him coming into the school.... (this was screaming in my head)

I actually said, "Really?? Well that is a very different story than (my son's name) told me. He said that you told him to stay on task and relevant to the discussion... Fencing in the theatrical world is relevant to any discussion. He was looking for postive response that would tell him these cool people on the stage are taking/have taken fencing.. The drama teacher had, but none of the students. Yet you saw it necessary to think negative about him and discuss it in front of the entire junior high school. He is upset, hurt and angry about the way this was handled."

Now red faced and maybe remembering that the woman in front of her is very much like one that questioned her tactics when she was previously employed at the school she just returned to this year.... "Look, let me talk to him about this tomorrow. I am sure it is all a misunderstanding, after all he is such a sensitive kid"

FUNNY, maybe you should think about that before you mistreat him again in front of his peers... instead, "Thank you, I appreciate that. I am sure there will be more discussion about this later on."

My son may have not won any of the matches that night, but he had a life lesson that not many will ever have. After finishing pushing the ninth or tenth car up the embankment of the school parking lot, I put my Volvo in gear and drove out without issue. He was laughing about it.. he said something along the line of, "they all needed help from you to get out, but you did it on your own" I thought about this and mentioned to him much later, "You know son, you might not have won any of the matches that night... but we were able to get out and on our way on our own. There are a few reasons for that, but one is that because I made decisions that gave me the ability and tools to do it on my own. Give yourself time, take a little guidance from the people in your life that matter and you to will be able to pull away from the losers that win in little matches in a gym. Life isn't all about winning. You have lessons of life that you have had to learn at such a young age. Those lessons will give you the tools to do well later on. Then you can be the person that pushes others up their hills. Then go and conquer the hills you chose to on your own. By the way, your teacher will be talking to you tomorrow."

He came home the next day to announce that she had apologized... He didn't understand why and wanted to know what I said to her.. I didn't say a thing...

No worries son, sometimes as a parent I have to push the real losers up the hill to get them away from my children.

faster, newer, bigger, better

2009-12-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

One of the interesting aspects of having a computer is that they can be bottomless pits, not unlike vehicles. We have all been there. We get a brand new system and it is the top of the line, yet three months later and it seems that everything is second rate at best. In many ways the computer has taken the place of the automobile. You save every cent you can scrounge and by the best system you can afford. Then you add upgrades (in a vehicle it would be muffler, or rims or headers or something like that) new video card, new monitor, new sound card and on and on. The hard thing to know is that no matter what we do, we can't stay ahead of technology unless we have endless funds.

When I was sixteen I purchased my first car. It wasn't beautiful, it was a Toyota Corona stationwagon. It was yellow with woodpanels... It seated five in seats, but would carry upto 12 when she was full. It would go 95 mph (without a shake) and scared the hell out of my friends. It was a money pit. The tires all had slow leaks. So, as my funds were limited, I learned to always ensure the spare was full and I could change a tire in a couple minutes flat. I could have put nice new tires on her, but I still would have an old car on new rubber. Sometimes she wouldn't start, so a screwdriver (or a bic pen) in the butterfly valve would give the air needed to get her going. She blew fuses regularly, but I learned to know which fuse was burnt and carried extras all the time. I could have taken her in and had the wiring redone, but at what cost?? She had a clutch that was a little leaky (so I maintained the levels in the fluid) and made sure I didn't ride it, or over work her. The brakes were a little thin, so I redid those (that is safety and you have to be able to stop). I learned so much from my first car and it has been applied to ever car I have had since. When something isn't working you have to look at why. You learn the systems of a vehicle and know that there is more than putting gas into the tank.

Being a teenager and aspiring to a computer is no different. Most of us are not born with endless financial supplies, so must learn to take care, update, maintain and make do. Chances are if we buy one, are given one or get one that we can afford, it won't have all the whistles and gadgets that our parents' does. Not unlike that first car, it is ours, but it isn't equivalent to the family vehicle, nor the sports car that is our parent's dream. Nor, should it be. It is a learning machine. We are more apt to get viruses that will cause great issues... Download something that will make something worse. We are on the web, but we aren't the fastest one there. We can play, but it won't make us the envy of all our friends. They need to learn to be happy to be on the WWW. Learn from our mistakes, and the mistakes of our friends. Aspire to what we would really like to have and then realize it may be a very long time before we can afford it (if ever). There is no harm in wanting the best gaming machine ever made, but not unlike the highend sports car, you may or may not ever get it.

I learn each time I get a new computer. Learn what I don't want next time, what is necessary and what options are nice to have, but not worth my hard earned pay. I learned lots from my first computer. I learned heaps from my first car. Both have helped me learn to troubleshoot and resolve issues within my budget (which has changed a bit from when I was in high school).

I am a firm on the idea that children should start off with new helmets, old cars, safe driving courses and PCs that are not top of the line. The helmets are protecting our most important part (our brains and prove that we have one). Old cars teach us the importance of maintaining and troubleshooting a car. We learn that if we don't take care of them they might fail us. They also prevent us from driving so fast (unlike that sports car we all wanted when we were young). Safe drving courses are taught by professionals that don't have the bad habits our parents do. PCs that have limited ablities/are not the fastest teach us to maintain them, troubleshoot issues they might have, limit us from being able to do everything we want (we need to earn and learn that we can't always have everything we want, nor should we) and do research to find out what will or will not work on what we have.

We all want to give our children better than we had. We just need to be sure that we don't take away from the learning/growing opportunities that go with owning an old car, a older PC or not having a completely furnished house when we first move out. When we work towards things we gain respect and understanding of what our parents had (or didn't have) and what it took to get it. All of these things teach us to make do, strive harder to obtain and realize that having some things might mean not having others. Learn to fix, prioritize, and make due is a life lesson that may not be easily learned, but worth it.

C is for Cookie

2009-12-05T00:41:00.000-08:00

Ever get one of those songs stuck in your head and are not even sure where it came from?? Do you hear the words to the Sesame Street song in your head even now as you are reading this? If not re-read the title?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BovQyphS8kA

I loved cookie monster as a child and knew the words to many of the songs... some days it seems that the songs that are stuck in my head all originate from Sesame Street (how about 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10......11, 12... do do do do do) Can you see the pinball that is identifying the number of the day? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-YcBVEnLT8

Or how about Mahna Mahna (okay this was the Muppets, but it still was Jim Henson creation).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXrU1GFqYEU

We all secretly had issues with Bert, but his Doin' Pigeon was a classic... and you can't visit that without mentioning Ernie's Rubber Ducky.. you're the one... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh85R-S-dh8&feature=fvst

Music shapes us and no matter when we grew up, there is music that identifies a generation. I am not talking about popular music, but the child music that gets stuck in our head. Looking for something to amuse yourself at work? Try implanting songs from your childhood in the heads of your co-workers, just pick one person and by the end of the day you will be amused by how many people are humming it or singing it.... most of whom won't even know why... I have done this for years, but the funny part is that it started innocently. When I started to take notice it became a game that everyone knew I played, and everyone would take turns to see whom would be singing what by days end.

Some days I know the song that is stuck in my head is what was playing on the radio when the alarm went off.. Sometimes it is what I start singing in the shower... sometimes I don't know how it got there, but it makes me giggle when I notice it is a childhood song. No matter what the song may be, it is good for the body, mind and soul to have music in our heads. Music can help so many things be better. It is good to implant music in our children at an early age. It is never too early and you can play music to children in utero. Don't buy what some shmuck is trying to peddle to make your children bright, but chose what you find to be classic or good. My daughter would kick to the beat of Beethoven, Bach, Tschakovsky, and many other classical greats. The tape (hey, it was cassette tapes, not 8-tracks) was one made by my Daddy while he was still alive. So it was kind of like sharing the grandfather with the child that would never know him. She was an Irish Dancer for many years and her sense of rhythm is still as strong as it was when my ribs were her stomping grounds.

Regardless of: where we are, what we are doing or what we have become music should always be a part of our lives. If you don't hear the music, chances are you are not listening to the DJ in your head..

The few... isn't going to include my son

2009-12-03T23:18:00.000-08:00

My oldest boy came home tonight after attending a open night with one of his friends for Cadets. When he asked me a couple days ago if he could go it told him, "okay, one night is okay" I was prepared when he came in the door pumped and with a manilla folder full of forms to fill to join the ranks. I know we are supposed to support our children in what they want to do, but I couldn't agree to this one. I was an army brat and almost signed up myself at the age of eighteen... but I want my child to be raised up, not beat down. Nurtured and grown, not shaped and formed. An individual with ideals, ideas, freedom to think and chose... not broken, beaten and taught to follow. Don't get me wrong, if he gets the grades and decides he wanted to enlist via ROTC (Royal Officer's Training Corps) I would support him. This means he knows who he is, what he wants and would utilize the forces for what he needs. However, the enlisting of young men to mold and shape into soldiers does not sit well with me. I respect the military on many levels, as well as the men and women that are enlisted. However, this is not the life I want for my children.

The warning signs started before he left. When he came in the door he produced the paperwork. A great deal of it is DND (Department of National Defense) letterhead. I have issues with giving up my rights as a parent to a level of governement that would have the right to chose. To sign away things like, "travel on commercial or military aircraft, ships and vehicles as deemed necessary by the service." "...use is valid until one year after he/ahe is no longer a cadet unless rescinded in writing." or how about " The Privacy Acts requires that PIBs (Personal Infomation Banks) include all personal information that is organized and retrievable by a person's name, and identifying number/symbol, or other particular assigned only to that person. PIBs must also include personal information, which has been or is being used, or is available for use for an administrative purpose." RED ALERT!!! There is no way that I am about to subject him to their ideals on any level and that was before the paperwork was delivered.

My hope for my children is to figure out who they are for themselves, not be told by some CO what he is, where he is and what he is to do. They all have the ability to be leaders because of their abilities, strengths, personality, faith, morals, values and the fact that they have free will. The forces developes leaders through cruelty, belittling, pushing down, stepping on and beating the individual out of the soldier. They aren't leaders, but bullies at this level. Many members of my family were in the forces. My father was a member of the PPCLI, my maternal grandfather fought in the first war with the engineers. I have two uncles that were cadets, one found out it wasn't whom he wanted to be and the other fought to get out of the forces later on. Service, Corps, rank, soldier, family and affects in that order are the priority of things. This doesn't bode well for a den mother that puts family first... I work to live. As a soldier your work is your life and if you don't do it well it could cost you yours.

So after a long discussion of the hows and whys I put a frustrated thirteen year old to bed tonight with the suggestion he come up with some other suggestions of extra curricular activities... and we will discus them after I return from parent teacher interviews tomorrow afternoon. He was tested in grade three for learning difficulties... he is in the top 98% for many things (math, science, critical thinking) and still in the gifted range for everything else.. The issue he has is that he has ADHD, which simply means he lacks the neurotranmitters to keep his brain awake to the level most of us have normally. This results in twitches, behaviours that the body creates to keep him awake. We have gone the medication root for four and a half years (no Ritalin, not an option with my understanding and history of Neurosciences and a bio that has an addiction issue). After being hit by a car and having issues with his kidneys there were no meds while he recovered.... he found he likes the way he felt so much better not being on the meds... He has many friends and has settled in. When you are in junior high school fitting in is so important to most children. He is no exception... So now I need to talk to the teachers and come up with a plan from their point of view, then head to the child psychiatrist that has been following him. Hopefully we can put together a game plan that will give him balance, and place him back as an honour student where he really should be. This child would not do well in a setting such as the RCACC, he would be the object of ridicule, and the subject of humiliation.

I guess my biggest issue is that I don't want to hand over a child with gifts, talents, love, compassion and endless possiblities to a service that sees all of those things as negatives. Healer, scientist, teacher, mentor any of those things fit so much better than, "soldiering on" "we're the bloody infantry" If the military is where he wishes to be, than let it be in the areas of education and knowledge of something other than front line tactics, trenches, IEDs and being a killing machine. Being a parent of a boy during wartime is scary enough without having one already enlisted with the DND.

It is not easy being a parent and taking stands that you know will cause your child frustrations and resentment towards you. It is even more difficult when you know the other parent would be so happy to have his son in this environment. Think it is a postive thing and open so many doors for him. The sad thing is that the opposing parent not only doesn't know who the child is/what his needs are, but doesn't know or understand himself. Looking at a child as a way to fill missed opportunities for yourself is not the way to raise them. Instead you need to know the child, what their strengths/weeknesses are and how to guide them in a manner that feeds the strengths and fortifies the weeknesses. Help them to grow and change... nuture and raise... not mold and shape.

I pray every night that God will make him content with who he is and know who he is when he finds him. That he will learn to accept the love of those that give it freely. Stop looking for approval and love from where it is not going to come. To learn that the person looking at him in the mirror is his greatest friend, his worst critic and the one that he must live with no matter what the decision will be. Finally to know that the decisions that he does not understand now will be clear when he is older and hope that the ones I am making for him now are the ones truly in his best interest.

Peace not war. Love not hate. Understanding not intolerance. Kindness not brutality.

User fees for off leash park users??!!

2009-12-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

There is a saying, "the more I get to know people the more I like my dog" not too far from the truth I am afraid!

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20091201/CGY_Offleash_Park_091201/20091201/?hub=CalgaryHome

The joys of living in a city that is so close minded and myopic in their visions (or lack there of). The population of the city has grown past 1 million. They have brought their animals with them. Many of them are dogs. We are paying for the new area's infastructure, the new schools, the new fire halls and pretty much everything else. Is it unreasonable to think that the developers that are creating these new areas (and making huge money at it) should be accountable to create new off leash park areas?

I can't think of one other area that you go to that is used everyday. No matter the weather, the sporting events, the time of day. We pick up after others (to maintain a clean area for everyone) and what we pick up isn't paper people... its fecal matter!! We know each other's faces and know the dogs by name. We know the breed, if they are rescues, if they are passive submissive, playful, young, old... we know when they are off their game. It is a community that shares information about not only our dogs, but our lives and thoughts. We actually talk to other people and listen to what they say. There are young (babes in carriages) old retired people and everyone in between. The socio-economic backgounds vary as much as the breeds of dogs in the park. It is a proven fact that dogs help us with our mental and physical health.. petting a dog can lower your blood pressure.

I attend the local off leash park regularily and it is a shining star in every day... The feeling there is a postive one and we (the dogs and I) always leave happier and healthier.

To think that they are looking to take away an option to walk a dog (or charge those that may not be able to make ends meet already) to get out and walk sickens me. If more people would step out of their homes, away from the computers, off the couch and away from the TV they migt find there are real people out there.. A community that they just might find they want to be a part of it.

What next Calgary?? Charge to let the children play in a park? We aren't looking for fancy bathrooms in the off leash areas. Maybe a couple more dumpsters to put the waste in, but other than that leave them alone. We take care of our dogs and the areas they are using to be healthy, happy members of the community. What other group would get together on a regular basis to clean up their park? We do it on a regular basis and what we are picking up seems to be what is covering the end of the stick that the council is once again pointing at us. Think outside of the box for a change...

My pack will be at the park and you and your close minded, money hungry council members can go somewhere else. Dogs are good judges of character and I am sure most of your presense would upset the entire place!!

a bit of a review after inviting so many new people

2009-11-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

I took the time tonight to re-read each post... there are so many typos, and errors, but they are part of what this has become.

I sent my last post to many friends, ones that had no idea about my blog.. There was some feedback and one comment from a sister-friend that made me realize something... many didn't know this part of me existed! My entry about the dog-sled team prompted me to forward the link to so many that I had never told about my blog. After getting the comments I started reading each post (from most recent to earliest).. it was a trip down into the places I was when I entered the thoughts. When I posted them, most were to share, and yet I had not invited many to see... It was like having a dinner party and not inviting anyone to share the meal.

So, I have sent links to many friends. I do so to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences. Perhaps there are others that you think might enjoy, learn or need to read what I have written. It isn't all: nice, kind, pleasant or uplifting... it is like life. In fact it is life, mine and my take on it. If there is anything within the mounds of writings that would help one other person recognize where they are and what they need... it would be worth putting myself out there to be reviewed and judged. Feel free to pass this along to anyone you think might need/want to read it.

As I have said in the blog more than once, if you don't matter, I don't mind. Basically, the only person I have to justify my actions to is myself and my pack. I welcome you all to review, re-live and wonder what the heck I was thinking about when I entered the words. Maybe it will make you laugh. Maybe it will make you mad. Maybe it will make you cry. If it moves you any direction at all, then it wasn't all for not.

We are all here together, and I welcome you to view and become part of my family. I may be Thee Alpha Female, but it is my den mates that bring me to the top time and time again.

Welcome to you all!

The land of ice and snow

2009-11-25T21:57:00.000-08:00

The day started off dark and cold in the short days that are the norm in the winter in Yellowknife, NWT, Canada. It was warmer than normal for mid November and when we arrived at Beck's Kennels it was -17C. When the cab entered the driveway all you could hear was the dogs barking... 140 animals all calling to be the ones chosen to pull the people from the south. We arrived with adequate coats, Canada Goose Resolute Parkas (Seen here worn by G and I while picking up my new ride last year).

yet the rest of our gear was lacking. Beck's outfitted us with the boots, pants and gloves that we needed then we headed out to meet the team.

When I thought of dog sleds, I always had this picture of big husky dogs pulling a small sled and light weight. The dogs that pulled us were made up of cross breeds that Grant Beck breeds and maintains. They were 50 lbs each and six of them made up the team that pulled us with such joy, happiness and strength it was all a little overwhelming. A quick explanation to me how to "drive" the team and we were off. G rode on the sled and I stood at the back with the biggest smile on my face that you couldn't even imagine. Mr Beck, his daughter and granddaughter rode on a ski-doo ahead of us. There were little corrections and suggestions, and then we were on our own. The silence was the most amazing thing. The sound of the sled on the snow (and occasional overflow, which was later explained to us by Mr. Beck as the water spilling over the edges and refreezing on top of the existing ice) the sound of the dogs' feet on the ground and our breathing was all the sound to be heard. The sun was setting in the mid afternoon and the colors were remarkable. We came across a couple other teams, a ski-doo or two and other than that we were on our own. We arrived to the cabin about 6km from the start point and the dogs were taken off the sled, given a rub and attached to a chain while they eagerly awaited our departure again.

There was one other team there that had brought a husband/wife team and their young children. Locals (temporarily working at one of the mines in the area) that would soon be bound back to their original home of Australia. We also met one other woman that had come out tethered to a dog from the local SPCA that has been trained to Skijorn and she was trying him out. This dog was much larger than the ones that pulled us and Mr. Beck identified it as a Alaskan Malamute cross. This dog was so similar to mine at home it was like a light being turned on.. I must learn to do this and train Lobo to as well.. While the children crazy-carpeted down the hill the adults chatted in the lovely little cabin with the warm wood stove. Soon everyone was gone except G, the Beck family and myself. We chatted over tea and learned so much from the man that has won so many dog sled races, it truly was a gift to be part of this discussion. The grand-daughter was six years old, one year less than the age when her Papa raced his first team. She was so full of life and love for him, I pray that she will take on the challenge and learn the dream her Papa has set at her feet. http://www.beckskennels.com/

Soon we were on our way back to Yellowknife. This time I sat on the sled (comfortable and chilly) while G drove the team. It is an experience we will not soon forget. The beauty of the trees, the snow, the ice, the sun finally disappearing on the edge of the horizon and the idea that we were the only two present in this wonderland. G admitted it was so much more than sitting on some beach somewhere. It was our land, our time and only us were there to see, hear, touch, smell and taste the land that is so beautiful and so far away. I could see living there, retiring there.. now to come up with a plan to make it so... Where else in the world can you hold such: beauty, wonder, untouched, unspoiled nature and not have to share anything with anyone other than those you chose to? The summer there is lakes and lakes of fish, and spaces to explore by boat, kayak or canoe. The early fall brings the amazing Aurora to see with no light polution to deter the experience. The winter brings time to stay warm and share your thoughts, loves and treasures.. perhaps crawl onto a ski-doo or enjoy the trails with a dog team. Year round there are wild animals of all discriptions to experience, treasure and enjoy. The fox, hare and ptarmigan change their colors to white in the winter. The bear sleeps the cold away. Then there are the wolf, rabbit, muskox and cariboo that live the land no matter the temperature or length of day. There are many places on this earth that call to people, warm waters, sun, sand, heat and swim up bars... My choice calls to me in my dreams, in my mind and in my heart... the land of the midnight sun, the Aurora and the dog sled teams. I hope someday to settle where the sound of silence and your own thoughts hasn't been replaced by things we call "progress"
I can imagine granchildren coming to visit for Christmas and riding home from Midnight mass behind the dogs and under the Aurora. What could be more balanced than celebrating God's word and birth with children under the wonder of God's land and beauty?
Guess you could say, I am hooked..

Parting with such sweet sorrow.. with apologies to William

2009-11-14T21:54:00.000-08:00

I will be on my way tomorrow back to the great white north. I truly love it up there. The weather, the people, the community that is still a community first, the wildlife, the landscape. I truly hope to be able to take my children there someday... It is a two day drive, which doesn't sound so bad until you think about being in the car that long with children... I love the time I spend up there, but I always feel bad when I leave the children and fur children behind. This year it will be difficult to leave them all back home, but the one who has roots in the north is tugging on my heart strings..

Lobo is my Alaskan Husky, he is a rescue and has stolen my heart. This will be the first time I am gone from him for more than just a few hours. I haven't even been away overnight... It worries me that he may think that I have abandoned him like the losers before me... There are amazing people caring for him while I am gone.. no kennel for him (no kennel for any of my animals, as it hardly seems humane!) My neighbour and good friend will care for him for the first five nights. Then a wonderful dog walker will come and pick him up to take him to his home and keep him in his pack (Sibes and a wolf, who's name is also Lobo). He will get three off leash walks a day and be in a home where dogs are the priority.. I know that I have made the best arrangements for him that I could, but there is still a guilt there... Don't get me wrong, I feel bad each time I leave my children and/or my fur children. I love them each so dearly and I know that my past makes each good-bye so hard to say. Each time I get in that town car, board that plane or drive away, there is a tear in my eye (sometimes many). It isn't that I don't want to go. No, that isn't it at all, it is just so hard to say good-bye.

I have heard the saying, say farewell, or until we meet again... but I missed a good-bye so many years ago, that I must say good-bye. You never know when you leave someone if it will be the last time you ever get to say so. So tomorrow when I: pet each cat, scratch and hug each dog, kiss, hug and smile for each child, tell them I love them, I will mutter "good-bye." On my way from the door I will be praying that they will be safe and there when I return home again. There will be tears, as there always are, but faith that God will keep them all until I return. If, by some chance they are not, I will be able to rest knowing that I said good-bye. While that may seem trivial to so many, it is something I will never have to regret again.

Good-bye my children of birth, good-bye my children of life, good-bye the ones covered in fur, you have each brightened my life.

Laughter, truly is the best medicine Tea a close second

2009-11-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

Nothing like a good dose of laughter to break the frustration of a day gone wrong...

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/y1U2uqLGc3IKh4oAuJkp

This little site can provide hours of entertainment. All you need is access to some pictures and no-one is safe. I made a few, posted one to facebook. Sent out another to family for Christmas cards (less wasted paper that way) and though it all was laughing to the point my face and stomach hurt. I love to laugh like that. Long, hard, tears streaming down the face, and contagious.. before you know it there has been so many things forgotten or just set aside.

I always have a joke or two to share. Some for the young ones, some for the not so young ones and pretty much a joke for every crowd. I like to make people laugh. I did it as a nurse, I do it as a mother, in business and in parts of life where you either laugh, or you end up crying.

My youngest has been ill for about 6 days now... it sucks. So, along with lots of tea, popsicles, water, apple juice, gingerale and kleenex there has been laughter. Laughing once we discover that he is not blind, but instead both eyes sealed shut. It is scary to wake in the middle of the night feeling aweful and thinking you are blind.. never mind when you are nine years old. The age old orange pekoe tea bags on the eyelids works well to facilitate the redness, swelling, and reduce the crusties that have put the lids together like glue. The reward for laying for 10 minutes with tea bags on your eyes?? A good cup of tea (peppermint) to settle the stomach.. then a cup of green to help cleanse. There are jokes about everything.. the book, the paper, the cartoon, the animals. One of the regular things to get him good and giggling is I give each of my fur children a voice. They carry on wonderful conversations (each with their own voice) and it always ends up in fits of laughter. Once he starts laughing, it isn't long until I follow.

Funny really, after all those years of being a nurse you would think I would medicate everything. I am just the opposite. I treat high fevers and potential allergic reactions immediately with meds... other than that there isn't much I medicate (unless antibiotics are required) After 13 years of high acuity nursing, there are so many alternative treatments I use. Grama always said that, "there isn't anything a good cup of tea won't fix" funny thing is... you just have to know which tea to give. Mint teas aide digestion and sooth upset tummies. Orange pekoe is good for burns (not boiling of course) and the bags are good for compresses for many different things. The tannic acid has many medicinal properties that help so many different things. Licorice is sweet on its own, so no honey is needed for the children to like it and it is good for laxitive, diuretic, expectorant and helps return a digestion system to where it should be (it also can be a diet suppressant, so not best choice for some) Green, there is so much out in the media I need not put anything here. Cammomile helps relaxation (I don't really care for it) There is a tea for ever taste, and so many options I don't know if I could chose a favorite.

The thing I love about tea is that you prep the pot, boil the water, let the tea steep and the time that you are waiting you can chat and do more assessment of the sick child. Funny, tea here usually starts with, "that sounds good" followed by, "mmm... that tastes good" and after the pot is empty there is laughter. The converstaion between is varied, but the rest is usually the same here. There are many teapots here to chose from, some in the family for years, some that would probably break if you filled them with boiling water, some made by a friend with love and care, some mass produced. All have so man stories to share. If I had to chose to be something in the kitchen, I would be a teapot..

So as the household seems to be healing, I will make a pot of tea, chat and head to bed early tonight. Tomorrow is Rememberance Day, with the loss of the soldiers in the past it was almost to the point that people could forget... now with the soldiers dying weekly it seems we have bred another generation that won't be able to, some may never heal. Lest we forget..

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

— Lt.-Col. John McCrae (1872 - 1918)

the way things work sometimes

2009-11-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I found out that the child my daughter is carrying is a girl. It is the same day that, thirty-two years ago, I lost my Dad. He had been ill for most of his teenage/adult life with IHHS (Idiopathic Hypertrophic Subaortic Stenosis) http://circ.ahajournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/29/5S4/IV-3 , and WPW (Wolff Parkinson-White Syndrome) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolff-Parkinson-White_syndrome He passed away after three open heart surgeries.. The last surgery seemed to be a success, but the affects of the heart/lung machine proved to be fatal to his kidneys and he died. He was 28 years old.

Funny how a day that had been such a sad one for so many years now, is the day I learn the gender of the new life that will be part of the family come this spring. My daughter is young in years, but has always had an old soul. While I look forward to this part of her life (and mine) I worry that it will be a struggle. Being a young mother is difficult on so many levels. People judge you, (I have learned to shake that off, but it still adds to stress), financially life is difficult, your body is still growing and now you have a life growing in you. I pray that the baby will be healthy and that the financial issues will be resolved. She can still goto school, but studying isn't as easy when you have a young one at home that depends on you... it has been done before and it will be done again. The road will be a bumpy one, but definitely one worth exploring.

It hardly seems real that Dad has been gone that many years... There are still times that I find myself wondering what he would think of someone, something or of me. I was always Daddy's girl, he was my hero on so many levels... I really didn't think that there was anything he could not do, to come to the realization that he was gone was so hard... and often still is. The day he left the house we lived in on Shelly Street, in Belmont Park PMQs is a day that will be etched in my memory forever... He had a bag in hand and was headed to the door, I didn't even say good-bye. My Grama had come to stay with my brother (then four years old) and I while my Mom was in Ottawa with my Dad.

The day I learned of my Daddy's death I walked home from school. It was a typical winter day for Vancouver Island, raining, and cold. I walked the long distance home in puddles, and watching the water move to the next drain towards its final destination. I arrived home to find two officers in my livingroom. One was my Dad's Commanding Officer, the other a junior member of the Armed Forces that knew my Dad. They were there to tell me that my Dad had died, but they could not... The older man cried, the younger did his best not to and in the end my Grama told me that, "Dad had died" Here is where the confusion began.. My Grama never called my father Dad, but Reynold... She referred to my Grampa as "Dad" So later that evening when I mentioned I wondered how my Daddy was doing you can imagine her shock... So she had to tell her Grandaughter twice... "He died" I asked, "Him and Grampa too??" The weight of this for her must have been so much.. She explained that my Grampa was at home in Calgary taking care of Charlie, Trapper and Patch (cat and two dogs) and was fine. Then proceeded to tell me about my Daddy... No one told my brother... that came days later. I didn't cry. I didn't eat and really had no idea what was to become of me... I remember making the decision that I would have to be strong... something at even that young age I realized that my mother was not.. I remember people I didn't even know telling me they were sorry, or that his dying was a good thing... after all he was in heaven and not suffering anymore. Or my most favourite, he would have had to walk with a cane, would be like an old man and this was certainly for the best. As you can well imagine, these are things I was not ready to hear. I know now that they meant well, what the hell do you say to a child of seven years when she loses her father?? Well, I can tell you I know the things not to say.

Anger was a response I took firm grasp on. Angry that people said stupid things. Angry that no one told my little brother. Angry that everyone had an opinion of how this was so much better. Angry that he left me. Angry that God had taken him away..............

We met up with my Mom back in Calgary at the family home. The one I currently live in.. She had come with a couple that had lived next to us in Cold Lake not so many years before. I remember us all sitting in the livingroom. My little brother crawled up on Mom's lap and asked about our Dad... Mom told him, "He's dead honey" It was like someone turned on a tap, there wasn't a dry eye in the place and finally I allowed the tears to fall.

Losing my Father that early in life changed me. How could it not? I grew up the day I learned of his death and became the strong one for the family. I chose to be what I didn't think my mother would be able to be. Strong. While it isn't a path I would chose for another, it was easier for me than my younger brother. I knew my Dad. Even today I can still close my eyes and see: his face, his smile, his lips, his green eyes that sparkled with mischief and what I know now to be pain, his hair that is the color of mine (parted on the side and short in the army fashion) he was very handsome, charming and was my hero. While I have grown I have been told many things about him, that I need not know... yet, I still know he is there waiting for me. I don't dream of him often... when I do, it typically is when I am at a place that I should not be. More than once he has been in my dreams and told me, "I am always right here, you just can't see me" More than once I have had both him and my Grampa (who I lost just before my daughter was born) come to me in my dreams. Is it my subconscious mind helping me sort through things? Maybe.. Is it angels coming to me when I can see them? Perhaps No matter what it is, it has helped me so many times that I know that while they may not be of this earth, they are still there for me.

I have outlived my Dad by 25 years... almost doubled him. Yet, he lives on in my heart, my dreams and the decisions that I make everyday. I know that I have been hurt deeply so many times in life... it took years for me to bring the walls I built around my heart to be crumbled. Now I know that a heart that hurts is one that has been well used. I have loved, I have lost, I will love again. Love is something I give to my family, my friends, my neighbours, my fur children, my acquaintances and my God. It has taken many years for me to be where I am today, but I love and it is that love that has healed me and my broken heart. My Father's earthly heart could not be healed but I know this has helped mine to be big, strong and readily healed when it gets broke.

I look forward to the birth of the next generation and the little girl that will bring much joy, love and hope to a heart that isn't that old, but has so many scars it can hardly be young.

how do you heal something that you did not hurt?

2009-10-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

There is an old line, forgive and forget. Or how about, "To err is human, to forgive devine"

What if the person you are supposed to forgive is yourself? This isn't always the easiest thing to do. I have forgiven myself for many things. I have forgiven others too..

It is one of the hardest things to watch someone you love and care about hurt. Pain that is so deep and so old that it isn't even easy to identify what the source of the hurt is. How do you help them to see the pain, identify it and move past it? How do you help them to forgive?

There are people that have done unimaginable things... the sad thing is that there are generations out there that told them not to tell anyone... How do you help someone like that heal? I find it rather difficult. I have been on that road. Been the recipient of the pain, been told not to tell... I truly have moved past it. Forgiven: the perp, the person who told me not to tell and myself. This didn't happen overnight, but I am there. I just wish I had the tools to help someone else down that same road. Getting someone to get counsel, isn't easy... there is still such a stigma with mental health. The sad thing is when we are in mental pain or anguish the rest of us suffers. Our physical health, our jobs, our relationships and pretty much everything else. Show me an addict and I will show you many people (not all) that are trying to medicate away the pain that they do not understand.

I know I can't have all the answers, but it doesn't mean I have to stop looking for them or leading others to find them for themselves. I guess it is the mentality that if I am not trying to be part of the solution, then I am part of the problem.

SIGH*

2009-10-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

One sometimes has to wonder about how long things will carry on this way. The excuses, the reasons the repeated disappointments. I have learned to just go ahead as planned, sometimes it isn't easy. Someday I hope that they will see the only one that really hurts is me. Not sure when or why or how, but sure it hurts more somehow. Hoping that it will change, knowing it won't and knowing more than anyone, it is me at fault. Let it be, take it as it is and someday it will be enough. People can only hurt you if you let them... and the ones that you let hurt you are the ones that aren't supposed to. Funny, in a sick, twisted way isn't it?

Well, I will go forward pick myself up. Brush myself off and find what I need in the ones that never disappoint. I thank God everyday for many different things.... and there are many that I am greatful for. However there is one group that will never disappoint, never hurt, never abandon, never leave by choice... I thank God for my fur children... they love, they listen, they don't judge and they are always there when you need them to be. Be it love, touch, cuddle, or just be... that is what they are. No wonder I picked the name I did... Alpha Female, the one that leads the pack... sometimes it is sad that the pack that I lead and am the most important part of is the four fur legged children. Thank God that I am blessed by the love of so many, even if it is returned so well by so few.

Cleansing with smoke and water

2009-10-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

The dreams of late have been horrid and interfering with the little sleep that I am already deprived of... I have been trying many things... some work (a good cuddle before bed) Others don't seem to make any difference (eat this, don't eat at all, drink this, don't drink anything at all, watch tv, don't watch tv, read, don't read) So tonight I cleansed my room with smoke... not the illegal kind, but sweetgrass (authentic First Nations' Sweetgrass) Smudging (while I don't know the offical words to say, I have been invited to many sweetgrass ceremonies when I was a nurse). I gave extra smoke and presence to my dream catcher... I included some prayers before, during and after... then to top it off I used Holy Water... While many will find this confusing, or strange I don't think it is any harm to use different methods. I know many people that utilize both of these in their lives and they are balanced people.. I thought since the dreams are so disturbing and real, it couldn't hurt to use everything at my finger tips to change the aura/karma/tone/mood/balance/spirit that is in the room. Even if it is just my thought process that changes, if it means I get the much needed restful sleep that I need, then success was obtained.
The sweetgrass I obtained at a Gallery in Yellowknife. It was collected by a Shaman, braided and tyed. The Holy Water is from the Easter Vigil obtained by my son that is a Alter Server. It rests on the prayer corner (which is the first thing you would see when you enter my house) It wasn't originally that, but my youngest son made it so when he gathered and placed a bunch of things there. There is some artwork he did, his blessed crucifix, two of his blessed Rosaries, a blessed Saint Benedict Crucifix Medal (that belongs to my older son), five containers of Holy Water (brought home by both boys) and some blessed palms from the Palm Sunday mass. Hanging above it are pictures of the children (all three of them) and a print of Calvary by Octavio Ocampo
http://neosurrealism.artdigitaldesign.com/modern-artists/?images/midsize/fine-art/calvario-calvary.jpg

While there are many that would find the blending of these two worlds inappropriate, I find comfort and solace in both of them. The peace and cleansing of the Sweetgrass and the Aboriginal culture that I have been blessed to be included and accepted in. As well as the right of healing and cleansing of the Holy Water. My children and I were baptized in at the Easter Vigil in 2005, in the Holy Water that was blessed in this ceremony.

Given that the dreams I have been having are so disrupting (I will stop short of calling them pure evil, but certainly malevolent in nature) I thought it was worth covering my bases. The sweetgrass, to cleanse the large dream catcher that hangs in the window of my bedroom as well as the rest of the room. This link shows a link to one that is similar to the one I have, mine was bought in Canada, and made by the First Nations people in Mission, BC. The outter circle is made of roots, the web is sinew, the beads are glass and wooden and the feathers are hanging on animal hide. http://www.pimall.com/TTTC/dreamcatchers/images/dctwigsmall.jpg
Mine is large (about 18" by two feet) and it is not only a dream catcher, but a fine piece of art and culture. The Holy Water, to purify anything below (as the smoke rises and the waters fall). I think that this will help to create the balance that seems to be missing in the room that I lay down to rest in. So now, I will head to bed and see if this helps to purify and cleanse my dreams.

time after time

2009-10-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

A person can change what they do, but they cannot change who they are. The twist to that, is that you are what you do... your actions (or reactions as it may) tell more about who you are than you will ever know. While I forgive people (I have learned to do that, as I have had to) I never forget what they have done, how they have mistreated or disillusioned. If they think that I have, they are the ones whom are disillusioned. Calling and being patient, polite, feigning kindness hasn't fooled me one bit. I can still sense, smell, feel, hear, taste and see the anger that is still just below the surface. You may have fooled everyone else (including yourself) but you have not fooled me. I still see who you are, what you want and what your game is. I also hope that you know that if you harm them, you will deal with a wrath like none other before. We are children of God, something I believe more that you will ever know.. Being a child of God and mother of his children, know that if you bring harm about them again it will not bode well. So tred softly my foe that I know better than any... rest well and know that this Alpha will not allow you to disrupt her pack ever again. Don't look to others that I run with, as your equalizer is me!

Tired

2009-10-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

ow is it that at this time of year it seems to matter not how much sleep I get? It is like someone took my good quality sleep and replaced it with dollar store knock-offs! Early to bed, no good! I am awake way too early and then tired when the day actually begins. Late to bed, still no good! Tired when the alarm goes off. Have a nap... NOPE! Still tired (and pretty much useless when I am awaken from my slumber).. get more exercise outside, even with the cool temps and early sunsets, I am still not getting good sleep. I swear, if I was a bear... someone would be DEAD!! It isn't my intake of caffeen, sugar, spicey food or any of a host of other things... Well, I can hope that tonight I will get a good sleep and things tomorrow will be a little more rosey!

It never ceases to amaze or frustrate me how surprised certain members of my family become when I do something good. Honestly, it is sad that they have not a clue of whom I really am. Every day I do things to help out others, maybe they asked for the help, maybe they didn't, maybe they really were in need of something, maybe they were in need of a kind act... after all doesn't a kind act change our outlook? our day? I love doing things for others, and hope that my act will help that person pay forward the kindness they received. Don't look for any underlying reason, there isn't one. I truly think that one good deed is my way of making the world a better place. There are not many people I wouldn't help out if they asked for it, and I am sure the ones know who they are... but even with that said, there are situations I may help them as well. I love people and try hard to live by the WWJD philosophy. Not sure what that means? What Would Jesus Do? It is simple really, house the homeless, feed the hungry, heal the sick, tend to those that cannot tend to themselves. When the chance comes up, pay it forward and do good unto others.

I am not perfect... far from it! However, I do try to treat others as I would want to be treated... say the things that we need to hear (you are doing a great job, thank you, you look great, are you okay?) do the things that need to be done (let a person in line in front of you, in the car, a grocery store, a door held open) be the person we are called to be (the best version of me). I don't always succeed, but I am always trying.. and all we can really do is try our best. When we do our best everyday, we get better everyday!

Cold, on so many different levels

2009-10-01T09:54:00.001-07:00

The season is rapidly changing from long warm sunny days, to long cool nights with the sun only putting light and not warmth in the sky. This season brings not only cold, but colds and flus. This year there is such great fear about the H1N1 virus, it is making people stupid! The flu comes every year and takes away a great many lives with it. This flu will do the same.

Currently, my youngest is home from school for the third straight day. Head cold, difficulty breathing and general fatigue. So tea, blankets, popsicles, cartoons, books and taking it easy are in order. Unfortunately, being a single mom means I don't have the luxury of staying home all the time he is sick. So, yesterday he was packed up with a blanket and a book so I could take care of the business I needed to at the office. Tea was the drink there as well. He cuddled into a comfy business chair and read until I had finished. He covered his mouth when he sneezed or coughed and washed his hands countless times. Deadlines and the need for them to be met, sometimes means I HAVE TO go in to the office to get it done. Thankfully, the layout of the office allows me to have him (or any of my children, two or four legged) at the office without interrupting anyone else.

So, today is working from home. Making lots of tea and taking it easy in hopes he will be well enough to return to school tomorrow. Keeping them home when they are ill prevents the spread of flus and virus that may cause death in those that are otherwise comprimised. Sadly, that is not an option for many single parents that must make every day to make ends meet... working from home is not an option and missing a day isn't either.

I count my blessings that I am able to be where I am... putting my children first, without comprimising my career!